Yeah, I skipped a few days again. It's getting a bit difficult to remember and focus and stare at a screen for a long amount of time. But I am doing well. SO WELL, in fact, that yesterday I cut my dose again. I am now down to 50% of my original dose. So, half a pill.
I have been told that I am going too fast. I have been told that I'm cutting too much of a dose at a time. I've been told I'm doing it wrong. I've been told that I'm eating the wrong diet. Well, shut your holes folks, because I'm getting this shit DONE. I'm listening to my body, and I'm rolling with the punches.
Moving on...
I had been on .75mg of my 1mg for about 5 days (I think) and I started feeling normal again. For the most part, as normal as I can be. Yeah, I still had some nausea and headaches, but all in all I was ok. So I decided to cut my dose again. I want to get this over with and if I can handle it, I'm going to do it.
So I cut my dose .25mg again, and I'm on .5 or 50% of my original dose. Now I knew when I cut it that the withdrawal symptoms where going to come over me again like a wildfire and I was going to have a rough week. Bring it.
Of course, here they came. Yesterday, I was dizzy, nauseated, blurry vision, migraine and all that fun stuff all over again with a vengeance. I also had inflamed joints like you wouldn't believe, burning skin, rash, and sore muscles all over. And of course I didn't sleep last night. But I can handle it.
But the most common withdrawal symptom that I have actually found to be quite interesting is the emotional and memory problems. First off, I have emotions now! Sometimes too many. I FEEL everything! I am super sensitive some days and get my feelings hurt really easily, others days I am normal. But I have feelings!! I didn't realize that I have been numb for the past 3 years.
I also have memory problems and I am having flashbacks. Flashbacks + Emotions = Feeling everything all over again.
I am suddenly remember events that happened over the past 3 years that I had either forgotten, or never remembered in the first place. Most of these flashbacks are from my relationships. I have had 2 major (ish) relationships in the past 3 years. One of them ended after I got ON the Klonopin, and the other ended just a few months ago. I am remembering the break ups, the fights, the good times, the bad times....all of it (I think) from both relationships. Which means, I am reliving the pain of the break ups. But the interesting thing is, with both break ups, I had no emotion. I wasn't upset about either of them at the time, but now I'm sad about it! It's a strange sensation. I can remember being hurt and angry, but not sad. I just didn't care about it all. And then I tried to think about other events since I got on the drug, and I cannot remember being sad about anything. I just remember always getting angry or hurt and lashing out. So it makes me wonder if all those times I got upset were legitimate. All girls hear from guys that we are over-reacting, but maybe they were correct! (just this once) Now, some things went on where I KNOW I was not over-reacting, and I know that I had the correct emotions, but others I'm not so sure. I mean, I was suppose to get married in 3 days. Yup. I was engaged and my wedding date is in 3 days. I can't remember crying when that relationship ended. I just remember being exhausted and angry. But I should have been devastated, wouldn't you think?? Just goes to show how messed up my brain was/is. Granted, he had his issues too, but still. I'm not saying I regret the break ups, I am just remembering them with a new, cleaner mind.
I don't want to ramble on about old relationships and all, but its odd to FEEL again. Last night I cried for at least 10 minutes because my cat left the room. Seriously. That just got me thinking about how emotional we can be during the withdrawal of Klonopin. And how the drug took our emotions away and we never even knew it.
And as for the memories... Once upon a time, I worked A LOT. Like, 16 hours a day, at a nursing home. I had one patient in particular that had severe dementia. There were days when she didn't know where she was, how old she was, who I was, who her kids were... she was confused and had a lot of memory loss. That's dementia. That always fascinated me. I wanted to know what it was like to live a day in her shoes. Well, with this withdrawal syndrome, I have pretty much done it. That is a silver lining for me. When I first cut my dose of Klonopin, I had terrible confusion and memory loss. It's just part of it. I remember when I took my first shower after cutting my dose. When I got out of the shower and saw myself in the mirror, I was confused. I didn't recognize myself. I saw all these piercings and tattoos, my hair was curly, I had bangs, I was thinner... I didn't know what I was seeing. I just stared at myself and my body like I was having an acid trip. Really. That's what it's like. And it reminded me of the time my patient saw her face and didn't recognize herself, she stared at her hands with confusion because she thought she was a 17 year old girl and her hands were wrinkled.
It's like waking up from a coma. It's like I have been sleeping for 3 years and someone else has been living my life for me. I am waking up. I am remembering how I have acted, things I have done, and I finally feel the pain from it. I finally feel the embarrassment and the shame.
There was no happiness in my life over the past 3 years on this drug. It was just an illusion. It was a prank, a trick, played on me by my psychiatrist. I'm not laughing. No one is laughing. These drugs are horrible. They stole my life and many others. Yes, it was my choice to take them, but I was never told this would happen. None of us were. Please, do research and get off these drugs. Get your life back. I can do it, so can you.
I have attached a link for Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome. Please read it so you can understand what myself and others are going through. Also so you can learn all the names of the Benzo drugs so you can help others that may be on them.
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