My Wake up Call: Drugs are bad, mmmkay

May 7, 2014

After suffering from a stomach bug for three days, I was not able to take any medications other than the occasional Zofran for nausea.  Which means, I was unable to take my usual 1mg of Clonazapam (Klonopin) once a day, even though I didn't feel that I needed it anyway.  I only take my Clonazapam, or 'chill pill', when I feel a panic or anxiety attack coming on.  I have had panic disorder, PTSD and severe anxiety for 3 years and counting, and have been prescribed Clonazapam for my treatment.  Over the past three years, I have seen countless doctors, psychiatrists, nurses...and been the ER more times than I would like to recall.  I would, or will, go to the ER at least once a month, every month, for 3 years.  Let me tell ya, they love me over there!  The reason I have been to the ER and seen so many doctors over the past three years is because I am CONVINCED that there is something wrong with me.  Yes, I have panic disorder, but I believe there is something else.  I mean, there has to be! Cancer, a tumor, diabetes, thyroid problem, hormonal changes, blood disorder, a disease....something!! Why else would I still be have crippling panic attacks and feeling this way after 3 years of medication and therapy?

So back to the stomach bug....
On Sunday, May 4, 2014 I woke up sick.  I was vomiting more violently than I ever have in my life.  It was horrible. So of course, I called an ambulance and went to the ER.  While there, they tell me I have a super nasty stomach bug that has been going around and all I can do is wait it out.  Great. So they pump me full of meds and 2 liters of fluid and send me on my way.
The next day, I actually felt better!  I mean, they filled my body with 'the good stuff', so of course I felt better! I was able to eat and drink and keep it down. Yay! I was cured! I can go back to my lousy 20 hour a week job! (due to the panic and what not, I had to stop working full time to make room for all the doctor and therapy visits I have to make in order to stay on my medication and get better) Anyhoo...

So I wake up the next day, and I felt worse.  Hmm.... I was nauseated, dizzy, depressed, light headed and confused. Not to mention so incredibly tired that I couldn't get out of bed.  Why was I sick again??  After half a day in bed, I started to 'panic'.  I was convinced it was more than the stomach bug.  Something was seriously wrong.  So I took my clonazapam so I wouldn't have a panic attack. Then I started to cry.  I sat alone on my bed talking to no one, begging for help.  Begging for my life back.  "I am so tired of being sick all the time", I said.  "Please take this away and help me! I want my life back!"  What do you know, 20 minutes later, my pill kicked in and I calmed down.  No more panic.  
However! I also suddenly felt better.  I wasn't nauseated.  I wasn't dizzy.  I wasn't depressed or light headed. I wasn't even tired anymore.  BOOM.  That was the first time I had taken my pill in 3 days.  Could it be that all the sickness I was feeling was because I had not taken my pill? Surely not. That pill was my life saver, my chill pill, the one thing that got me through so many panic attacks over the past 3 years. Nah... couldn't be.

So I got online.  I started researching.  Turns out, after all the doctors, all the hospitals, all the psychiatrists, therapists, prescriptions, counseling, hypnosis, meditation, aromatherapy, messages, chiropractors.... YOU NAME IT .... turns out that all this time it has been my medication that made me sick.  The one pill I trusted to help me.  The one pill I wouldn't give up, had been poisoning me from the inside out.  
I found a support group on Facebook, I found forum after forum and blog after blog of people having the same problems as me.  My pill caused me to have anxiety.  My pill caused me to be paranoid.  My pill caused me to be a hypochondriac.  My pill caused me to have mood swings and black outs and memory problems and cramps and ovarian cysts and blurred vision and vertigo and weight gain and rotting teeth and acne and hair loss and depression and every other symptom that took me to the ER freaking out or getting a test done to find out the cause!!  What the fuck, man! IT'S 1mg OF CLONAZAPAM A DAY.  That's all.

The groups I found on Facebook had lots of resources, articles and information on the drug I take and others like it. It is a "benzo"something or other.  It also had a video to show me how to taper off slowly using water instead of just cutting my pill in half.  It also discussed all the side effects and dangers of quitting these benzo medications cold turkey. I knew then and there that I have to get off this shit ASAP.  I finally realized, it's been 3 years. I no longer have panic disorder or PTSD, I have an addiction to my prescription medication. I can give it up, but my body can't.

I have started this blog to keep track of my daily reactions to getting off of this medication that I believe has ruined my life. It's going to be a long road, but I have to do it. 

The Force is strong with this one.