Day number 9 in slow taper Klonopin detox...
So today I took a shower. It's a big deal. When you are exhausted and afraid to be alone, a shower is pretty scary. Plus it's just so much damn work! And forget shaving my legs or even drying my hair, screw that nonsense.
A shower. Something we all take for granted. I have been afraid of showers since I developed panic, and nothing has changed. It takes me at least an hour or so to pump myself up to bathe. Sad, but true. Sounds gross (and it is) but I don't really remember the last time I had a full shower, washing my hair and everything. After telling myself that I HAVE to bathe today because I'm gross, it took 3 tries before I could. This has been my life for a while now. I start the water, get my towel, comb my hair, then say 'screw it' and sit down. I started to panic. The more I thought about getting in there, the more my heart raced. But I had to do it.
The actual shower process took maybe 10 minutes, but it seemed like an hour. I just kept thinking, "I just gotta wash my hair", "I just gotta use the soap", "now I just have to dry off".... the longer I was in there the tighter my chest became, the more my heart raced, by the end I was almost in tears and hysterics. I literally ran to get my medicine. It was 11am.
Yesterday I took my liquid poison at 10am. It was 97% of my original dose of 1mg of Klonopin. So my goal today (other than the shower) was to wait until at least 10am before I took today's dose.
Other than all that, today I am feeling exhausted. I was in bed again all day. I am feeling a little woozy and light headed. I am feeling weak. My stomach hurts, A LOT. I'm craving weird foods, but I'm not hungry. I can tell that my body is in withdrawal mode. It's worse than yesterday. I went down to 95% today and I think I will stay here a few days.
My mood is changing, my weight is changing, the way I look is changing.... I almost didn't recognize myself when I got out of the shower. By that point the withdrawals had kicked in so much that I could see and feel the effect it has on my brain. I looked at myself in the mirror with confusion. My eyes are puffy and swollen still, my cheeks are sinking in. I saw my latest tattoo that I got 3 months ago and almost didn't remember getting it. It was like looking at a stranger. When you are in withdrawal mode, you are more 'drugged up' than when you have actually taken the medicine. It's like you are on an acid trip. It really is. The longer you go without your dose, the worse it gets.
This is a horrible drug. So, so horrible. But I'm still trying to be in good spirits for the most part. It's still better than before, and it's still better than not doing anything at all to change.
What I have learned so far is to listen to my body. If something seems wrong, it probably is. If I'm craving something, I need to eat it. If I need to rest, I rest. I have to keep my stress level down and avoid drama. I have to do what I can, but not overdo anything. I have to keep going and doing what I can to get this poison out of my body so I can move on with my life. I know it will be years of work ahead, and years of suffering, but I'm getting used to it already.
There are silver linings for today. I took a shower and I waited an hour later than yesterday to take my medicine. That is a good thing. Hopefully tomorrow I can wait another hour, and maybe get off the couch.
*Here's to happy detox*
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