So I'm back to square one. Had to take a full dose today. Screw it. I can't do this anymore. I have gone 4 nights without sleep and today had just too much damn drama and stress. Those things, combined with my taper/withdrawal symptoms from Klonopin. just put me over the top. I lost it. I couldn't take it anymore. The irrational fear of death came rushing over me again with that same adrenaline and pain in my chest that I remember oh so well. It doesn't matter how many times it has happened over the years, or how well I know what is really happening to my body, it still scares the hell out of me. I'm over it. Which reminds me, FUCK THE DOCTORS ORDERS. Telling me to cut my pill in half... are you serious? Idiot. Don't do it folks. BAD. Very BAD.
But lets get to my point for today.... SUPPORT. I tell ya, I have never in my life needed the support of my family and friends more than I do right now. I want to quit. I want to give up. The withdrawal is too much, the pain is too much, the physical and mental sickness is too much. But who do I have to keep me going?? Not my family, but strangers in a recovery group on Facebook. And thank the gods for them. Tonight, when I lost it and started to panic, not knowing what was happening to me, I posted in my group and they were right there talking me through it within seconds. They understand.
Talking with the group over these past 2 weeks, I've come to discover that we are all in the same boat. Not just with the god awful life of Benzo dependency and withdrawals, but because our families are all the same. They're gone! They don't get it. They don't get us. And they don't want to.
I can only assume to know why, I mean, if I ask I will be ignored. Anytime I bring up the subject of what's happening, I'm literally ignored or they just sigh and change the subject. Personally, I think they are just tired of it. We are tired of it, so why can't they be tired as well? They haven't been feeling what we have been feeling over the years, but they certainly have had to hear about it. They're over it. They don't get it, they don't care, they have their own shit to deal with. I get it.
But now that I'm actually getting off of this shit, it's like the boy that cried wolf. I thought I was going to die every day with panic disorder, but now I'm sicker than I EVER was. My brain is sick. Literally. When the shit wears off and I'm in withdrawal mode, I am dumb. I cannot follow simple instructions. I cannot drive long distances (as in, more than 20 minutes). I cannot focus on anything. I get distracted and confused very easily. I cannot understand people when they speak to me. I can't remember what I say or do right after doing it most of the time. Now would be a good time to give a shit about your friend or family member going through detox and Benzo withdrawal. We aren't asking people to come hold our hand the whole time, or cook our meals and wait on us hand and foot. How about just a phone call? An email? A text? Just a simple, "how's the taper going?" So what if you have to listen to us cry or talk for a few minutes, or even an hour. Do you REALLY not have that much time to spare? We are ALONE in this. And there is nothing worse than being sick and terrified and alone. And then add in the fact that most of us are jobless, homeless, broke, going broke, on our last thread and barely hanging on... It's amazing what a little kind word can do to lift the spirits of a person going through a tough time. Who gives a shit if you don't understand it? I don't understand a lot of things people go through, but I still am right there to listen and offer a comforting word. Like those people that keep breaking up and getting back together, wtf is that about? But I still listen!? I still ask how they are doing! That's what you gotta do!!
It's called caring. I am actually amazed and touched by the very few people that have come out of the woodwork to support me and offer a kind word. But unfortunately it is not my family or closest friends. But it's good to know that I'm not the only one. It's just another side effect of Benzo drugs, you lose everything. Including your family and friends.
But we will go on, without you. And one day, when we finally get our lives back, we will remember. (Hopefully. That is, if the brain damage isn't too bad) HA!
G'night ya'll
No comments:
Post a Comment