Day 6. Whatthefuckever.
So last night I think I had a small seizure. Some say yes, some say no, some say it was the start of one, and then the ones that have been through this say it's just another terrifying withdrawal symptom from the Benzo drug, Klonopin.
My daughter and I were at a restaurant getting take out. She was putting in her order and all the sudden all I could notice were the lights flashing from the ceiling fans. The fans were lower than the lights in the ceiling so with every turn of the fan blade the lights flashed. (at least in my eyes) I started squinting, putting my head down, closed my eyes, tried to block the lights. It was like having the poparazzi in your face with a dozen flash bulbs going off.
The world stopped. The room started to spin, my head started to spin, I was dizzy, nauseated, I had a rush of tingling and adrenaline to my head, and I was sweating. I just kept saying, "the lights, the lights". They were reflecting off every single surface of the restaurant. Everything else just faded away. All the voices around me were muddled. I just tried to keep myself standing. I heard someone say 'turn off the fans', and low and behold a few seconds later I was ok. Shaken, but ok.
I looked at my daughter and I saw fear in her eyes, and I knew she saw it in mine. The workers were asking if I needed an ambulance...What the fuck just happened to me!?! That's all I could think. What the fuck just happened. I have never been so scared. It wasn't a panic attack. I knew that. It was worse. Much, much worse.
Today I spent the day trying to find out what happened. I left messages with both my physician and my psychiatrist, I asked my Facebook friends (nurses), and I asked my Benzo Recovery and Support group.
The Verdicts?...
No response from my physician. Ever. All day.
My psychiatrist says she's "never heard of such a thing" but she's sure "it has nothing to do with Klonopin withdrawals. Why are you even trying to get off it anyway?"
Facebook friends: two said small seizure, one said perhaps a mini stoke, and one which experience with seizures says it was a seizure coming on.
The Bezo Drug Recovery Support Group: "Been there!" All normal withdrawal symptoms from Klonopin. Like, everyone said that. Some people have been off the drug for years and still can't be around flashing lights. wtf
Either way, no matter what, it's been 6 days and this is happening. This is too much, too soon. I am obviously doing something wrong. I thought about going to a medical detox center for a 3-5 day detox. Surrounded by doctors, 24/7, getting the drug out of my system cold turkey. Then I realized that it takes more that 5 days to get this completely out of your system, and that's when the seizures and BAD things happen. Also, I would basically be in prison. I have to do what they want, when they want and take whatever drugs they throw in my face. But the kicker was, when I called (just to get information) I told them my story and I was then treated like a common drug addict you find living on the street. Seriously!? After hearing my story and being told that I am choosing to get off this drug that my doctor gave me, I was asked "What is your drug of choice", "when was the last time you used", "how do you abuse this drug", "who is your supplier".
Are you fucking kidding me?
SO! New plan. Starting tomorrow, I am starting over. I have been doing a liquid taper, dissolving my 1mg Klonopin in 300ml of water and taking out 1ml a day. It's day 6 and I am down to 5ml out and that equals .02mg taken from my 1mg dose. I shouldn't be having such terrible symptoms. I figure that somehow I am not getting the poison (aka Klonopin) that my body needs. It's getting lost somewhere in that water.
So tomorrow, I'm going to start with 100ml of water and take out 2ml, which will equal the same .02% that I am taking out now. I will see if there is a difference in how I feel. Hopefully with less water, I will be able to get all the remaining Klonopin and not have such horrible side effects. We shall see!
Here's to happy thoughts and positive thinking! So long Debbie Downer.
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