I got on Facebook and went to the Benzo Recovery group that showed me how to do this taper. I watched the video and I got advice from the group. My taper off plan includes taking 300 milliliters of water in a jar, add my 1mg Klonopin pill, let it dissolve and then with a syringe take out 1 milliliter of the water a day. It's a "10% Taper" and should take me about 10 months at least to get off completely. That is, if I can handle it. The rule of thumb is, if the withdrawal symptoms get too much to handle you don't take out anymore water until your body gets used to it. Whatever.
But here we are, day one of tapering. 1 ml of water out of 300ml, that isn't much at all. I don't even know how to calculate that. Seems like taking nothing away from the 1mg pill.
I WAS WRONG.
Just having that tiny little amount gone, I am dizzy. I am light headed. I have blurred vision. I am angry. I am having mood swings. My skin is oily. I am constipated. I am not a happy camper.
I got on Facebook and told the support group what's happening.... they say it's normal!! They have all been through it, some through worse! How is this drug legal? I wish I could go to a rehab center, but I know they would just give me other drugs to help with the symptoms. But now, I don't want to take anything at all. I've had cramps and a headache all day, but I wont even take a Tylenol. I'm done with pills. My house looks like a drug dealers' as it is. Since I have been on Klonopin, I have acquired countless prescriptions for all my random illnesses. However, I also have developed a sudden 'allergic reaction' to most of them. Even the simple antibiotic drugs that I took years ago suddenly make me break out in hives and have chest pains. But I keep all the bottles! Yeah, I keep all the pills because you never know! I am a hypochondriac. I save them for an emergency. But, like I said, I'm done with pills. They are all evil. I don't like prescriptions, I don't like doctors, I don't like pharmacists. I am angry. That sums it up. I feel like shit, and I am angry.
But I'm not giving up! I will do my little jar again tonight and take out 2ml for tomorrows dose. I WILL get off this shit and get my life back.
On a good note! After three years of suffering from panic attacks and anxiety and fear and random feelings of doom and unrest and confusion of WHY my disorder would not go away... I have now realized that I do not have panic disorder anymore! I have an addiction! Why am I happy about this? My feelings are not anxiety related, they are withdrawals from a god forsaken pill that has betrayed me. Every time I have had chest pains, I took a pill because I thought I was having a panic attack. Every time I got a migraine and panicked because I thought it was a tumor, I took a pill. Every time my stomach hurt and I thought I had a tapeworm or cancer or an ulcer, I panicked and took a pill. Every time I had a rush of adrenaline for no reason, I panicked and took a pill. I know now that all these things, and SOOO many more, are not symptoms of my anxiety. THEY ARE SYMPTOMS OF WITHDRAWAL FROM KLONOPIN. Klonopin basically gives you panic disorder. Withdrawal causes everything from increased anxiety and headaches, to freaking vertigo, seizures, paranoia and blurred vision. And I'm not talking withdrawal after a few days, I'm talking after a few hours. I took a pill every day because I thought I was having a panic attack. I didn't WANT to take the pill, in fact, after 3 years I have been trying to stop taking them! But I kept having what I thought were panic attacks. I would get up in the morning and wait as long as I could before I took a pill. Some days I went til 5 in the afternoon, others I couldn't make it til noon. The point is, all these feelings were my body begging for the drug. Not me. My body.
I trusted this pill. I trusted the doctors that gave it to me! It's the only thing that got me through the past 3 years. And now I find out that it is what has kept me down? It's like finding out you've been cheated on and all your friends knew but didn't tell you. I am so angry. Maybe it's a mood swing. I can sit and watch TV and just burst out crying for no reason too. All perfectly normal symptoms of not have my FULL dose of klonopin. Take 1ml of water out of 300ml caused all this in one day. Fuck that.
I'm going to get this shit out of my life.
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