Day 58: Peace

Day 58.
It's been swell.

So it is the end of the 4th of July weekend. And as I believe I stated in my last post, I have increased my dose of Klonopin in order to give my daughter a proper summer holiday weekend.  

Since the beginning of summer, May 8th to be exact, I have been tapering off of Klonopin and basically have been bedridden, unable to walk or talk, having migraines, dry heaving, unable to bathe....just plain sick and broken.  My daughter missed Memorial day weekend, we haven't been floating in a canoe down the river, we haven't swam, rode bikes...nothing.  That sucks. Yeah, it sucks that I've been going through this mess, but it sucks more for her because this is her summer, she is 13, and she has to sit around and do nothing because of me.  That's pretty damn lame.

So yeah, I thought about it and decided to updose for the weekend.  I had been holding my tapered dose of Klonopin at .25mg down from 1mg for 10 days. I was not stabilizing at all, I wasn't getting better, I was worse. So I decided to go up to .5mg.  Basically double my current dose.

Well, that was interesting.  The first reaction I noticed about having more of the drug in my system, was not that I could walk and talk again, but that I was angry.  I had this feeling of "I'm a badass, don't mess with me", my road rage was back with a vengeance, it was like I took a dose of testosterone.  But hey, that's how I get when I drink!  Ever notice that?  You think you can do anything, every thing is a joke, but even the smallest comment can make you turn into the hulk...yup, that was me! Benzo drugs affect the same receptors in your brain as alcohol. Hmm! Did you know that? I also started craving alcohol! That was weird. I haven't had a drink in 2 months, but all the sudden I wanted one after taking more Klonopin. Seems a bit coincidental, doesn't it? But no, I didn't have one. Also, that night I couldn't sleep.  I had the jitters all night long. Ah ha... Increased anxiety.  Bottom line, I didn't like it AT ALL.  I kept thinking, "this is how I have been for the past three years! This was 'normal' for me! And it's not even the full dose I used to take!"  That's crazy.

So the next day, I worked something out.  I tried the liquid taper again, but this time I used almond milk.  Wudda you know, it works.  So I tapered that dose of .5mg down to .325mg.  Yeah, it gets confusing.  Basically, I WAS taking a 4th of a pill (.25mg) and I added 1/2 of that dose to it, which equals .375mg.  Right in the middle of .25mg and .5mg.  That dose seems to do the trick.  I am 'normal', I can walk and talk and laugh and move.  I've been taking that for 3 days now and I am doing quite well.  Plus, my daughter and I were able to celebrate the holiday. She had a great time. I may not remember it, but I know she will.  It was great. And worth it.

I also decided to take a break from BENZO.  For the past 58 days my life, and my daughters, has been all about Benzo drugs and Klonopin Withdrawals.  All day, every day. Measuring a dose, symptoms, research, fear, anger, anxiety, recovery groups, save the world..yada yada yada.  We needed a break. So not only did my updose make me feel better and give me a break from the 55 days of hell, I also cut back on the recovery group and 'spreading the word'. I just quit thinking about it.  I worked out a plan for my recovery, wrote it down and stopped thinking about, and talking about it, every day. 

I don't want to be a victim anymore.  I don't want to be angry at the doctors anymore.  That gets me no where. I have a limited amount of energy to spare every day, and I choose to spend it thinking happy thoughts and enjoying the moments.  Constantly thinking about how terrible I feel and being angry at Big Pharma and doctors and drugs and what not, just brings me down. It brings everyone down.  

I know I have worked hard, and it's been extremely hard, but I've tried to keep a smile on my face through all of this.  It's just something that has to be done.  It's a job.  And like any job, you choose to do it. So if you're going to bitch the entire time, you need to just quit the job or quit bitching.  I choose to quit bitching.  I will still spread the word and warn everyone I know, but not with fear and anger.  That doesn't work. It doesn't work for the christians, so it's certainly not going to work for me.  People will find out in their own time, and I hope they know that I will be here for them when they are ready.

Meanwhile, today is my last day taking .375mg of Klonopin.  The holiday is over so I will continue to taper down.  I will now use the liquid method with almond milk.  Next stop, .3125mg. Yup.  Taking 1/2 of .125 out (.0625) and see how that does me for three days.  Then down again.  Every 3 days.  I will keep you posted. And if you or anyone you know is on a Benzo drug and needs help or information, just let me know! I will be happy to help.

Day 55: Staying Alive

Day 55.  I'm still here.

Trying to get off 1mg of Klonpin after 3 years.

The past five days I have continued to decline.  Emotionally, physically, inside and out.  

I am bed bound.  Yup.  All I can do is stay in bed. I woke up the other day unable to move. I thought I was paralyzed. I panicked.  I called 911.  They gave me oxygen. I survived.  The EMT wouldn't let my daughter come with me in the ambulance, later he told me it was because I would probably be admitted to the ICU since I was in withdrawal.  But of course, I was taken to a hospital where they knew nothing of Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome.  They wanted to cure me by giving me Ativan and Valium (benzos), I refused.  So they dismissed me and diagnosed me with Panic Disorder and Depression.  Ridiculous. 

I am at a loss.  My life has revolved around doses and pill cuts and recovery groups and stress and crying and benzo and Klonopin for 55 fucking days now.  I am so tired of it.

On a good note, I think my mother believes it now.  She saw me at the ER.  I think she knows.  She saw me refuse the meds, so she knows I am not an addict.  If I was an addict, I would have gladly taken them. Even asked for them, but no.  I have enough at home.  All I have to do to make all this go away is take ONE little pill.  But I don't want to.

This weekend is the 4th of July.  It's been a shitty summer for me and my poor daughter.  No fun for either of us.  I have been holding my dose of .25mg for about 10 days now with no improvement.  I am not stabilizing.  I thought I was, but I'm not.  

I have decided to updose.  Yeah, yeah, I know...but I can't stay in bed.  I am going to go back up to .5mg for about a week, then started to taper down SLOWLY.  So now, maybe I will be able to take my daughter to a fireworks show, or even just sit outside with her while she plays.  I will be able to go on job interviews and actually bathe.  It wont make me perfect, and it will still suck, but I need to function.  I'm broke and it's getting worse by the day.  It costs a lot of money to lay in bed all day.

I don't know what else to tell you.  I am bummed at myself for wanting to updose, but in all honesty, I'm not doing it for me.  I'm doing it for my daughter.  She needs some normalcy around here and if I keep doing what I'm doing it's not going to happen any time soon.

Here is a link to the latest video I've posted on my facebook page.  Woo hoo.

Update from Bed. Starring me and my cat, Bana

This post has been a little 'bluh', but that's how I feel today.  I'm still here, I'm still going.  I'm not giving up. But this shit is really really hard.  And you have to do it all alone.  I have my daughter to help, thank the gods, but I really am alone.  No one around me understands, including the doctors.  Its frightening, but its still worth it.  I am going quickly, I know this.  That is why I have had such difficult symptoms.  I just want to get the poison out of me.  But quickly is not the way to go.  Slow and steady is the key, so I have to just be patient or I will never recover.  None of us will.  We have to beat this. We will beat this. Good luck to you all!