Day 55: Staying Alive

Day 55.  I'm still here.

Trying to get off 1mg of Klonpin after 3 years.

The past five days I have continued to decline.  Emotionally, physically, inside and out.  

I am bed bound.  Yup.  All I can do is stay in bed. I woke up the other day unable to move. I thought I was paralyzed. I panicked.  I called 911.  They gave me oxygen. I survived.  The EMT wouldn't let my daughter come with me in the ambulance, later he told me it was because I would probably be admitted to the ICU since I was in withdrawal.  But of course, I was taken to a hospital where they knew nothing of Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome.  They wanted to cure me by giving me Ativan and Valium (benzos), I refused.  So they dismissed me and diagnosed me with Panic Disorder and Depression.  Ridiculous. 

I am at a loss.  My life has revolved around doses and pill cuts and recovery groups and stress and crying and benzo and Klonopin for 55 fucking days now.  I am so tired of it.

On a good note, I think my mother believes it now.  She saw me at the ER.  I think she knows.  She saw me refuse the meds, so she knows I am not an addict.  If I was an addict, I would have gladly taken them. Even asked for them, but no.  I have enough at home.  All I have to do to make all this go away is take ONE little pill.  But I don't want to.

This weekend is the 4th of July.  It's been a shitty summer for me and my poor daughter.  No fun for either of us.  I have been holding my dose of .25mg for about 10 days now with no improvement.  I am not stabilizing.  I thought I was, but I'm not.  

I have decided to updose.  Yeah, yeah, I know...but I can't stay in bed.  I am going to go back up to .5mg for about a week, then started to taper down SLOWLY.  So now, maybe I will be able to take my daughter to a fireworks show, or even just sit outside with her while she plays.  I will be able to go on job interviews and actually bathe.  It wont make me perfect, and it will still suck, but I need to function.  I'm broke and it's getting worse by the day.  It costs a lot of money to lay in bed all day.

I don't know what else to tell you.  I am bummed at myself for wanting to updose, but in all honesty, I'm not doing it for me.  I'm doing it for my daughter.  She needs some normalcy around here and if I keep doing what I'm doing it's not going to happen any time soon.

Here is a link to the latest video I've posted on my facebook page.  Woo hoo.

Update from Bed. Starring me and my cat, Bana

This post has been a little 'bluh', but that's how I feel today.  I'm still here, I'm still going.  I'm not giving up. But this shit is really really hard.  And you have to do it all alone.  I have my daughter to help, thank the gods, but I really am alone.  No one around me understands, including the doctors.  Its frightening, but its still worth it.  I am going quickly, I know this.  That is why I have had such difficult symptoms.  I just want to get the poison out of me.  But quickly is not the way to go.  Slow and steady is the key, so I have to just be patient or I will never recover.  None of us will.  We have to beat this. We will beat this. Good luck to you all!