Day 58: Peace

Day 58.
It's been swell.

So it is the end of the 4th of July weekend. And as I believe I stated in my last post, I have increased my dose of Klonopin in order to give my daughter a proper summer holiday weekend.  

Since the beginning of summer, May 8th to be exact, I have been tapering off of Klonopin and basically have been bedridden, unable to walk or talk, having migraines, dry heaving, unable to bathe....just plain sick and broken.  My daughter missed Memorial day weekend, we haven't been floating in a canoe down the river, we haven't swam, rode bikes...nothing.  That sucks. Yeah, it sucks that I've been going through this mess, but it sucks more for her because this is her summer, she is 13, and she has to sit around and do nothing because of me.  That's pretty damn lame.

So yeah, I thought about it and decided to updose for the weekend.  I had been holding my tapered dose of Klonopin at .25mg down from 1mg for 10 days. I was not stabilizing at all, I wasn't getting better, I was worse. So I decided to go up to .5mg.  Basically double my current dose.

Well, that was interesting.  The first reaction I noticed about having more of the drug in my system, was not that I could walk and talk again, but that I was angry.  I had this feeling of "I'm a badass, don't mess with me", my road rage was back with a vengeance, it was like I took a dose of testosterone.  But hey, that's how I get when I drink!  Ever notice that?  You think you can do anything, every thing is a joke, but even the smallest comment can make you turn into the hulk...yup, that was me! Benzo drugs affect the same receptors in your brain as alcohol. Hmm! Did you know that? I also started craving alcohol! That was weird. I haven't had a drink in 2 months, but all the sudden I wanted one after taking more Klonopin. Seems a bit coincidental, doesn't it? But no, I didn't have one. Also, that night I couldn't sleep.  I had the jitters all night long. Ah ha... Increased anxiety.  Bottom line, I didn't like it AT ALL.  I kept thinking, "this is how I have been for the past three years! This was 'normal' for me! And it's not even the full dose I used to take!"  That's crazy.

So the next day, I worked something out.  I tried the liquid taper again, but this time I used almond milk.  Wudda you know, it works.  So I tapered that dose of .5mg down to .325mg.  Yeah, it gets confusing.  Basically, I WAS taking a 4th of a pill (.25mg) and I added 1/2 of that dose to it, which equals .375mg.  Right in the middle of .25mg and .5mg.  That dose seems to do the trick.  I am 'normal', I can walk and talk and laugh and move.  I've been taking that for 3 days now and I am doing quite well.  Plus, my daughter and I were able to celebrate the holiday. She had a great time. I may not remember it, but I know she will.  It was great. And worth it.

I also decided to take a break from BENZO.  For the past 58 days my life, and my daughters, has been all about Benzo drugs and Klonopin Withdrawals.  All day, every day. Measuring a dose, symptoms, research, fear, anger, anxiety, recovery groups, save the world..yada yada yada.  We needed a break. So not only did my updose make me feel better and give me a break from the 55 days of hell, I also cut back on the recovery group and 'spreading the word'. I just quit thinking about it.  I worked out a plan for my recovery, wrote it down and stopped thinking about, and talking about it, every day. 

I don't want to be a victim anymore.  I don't want to be angry at the doctors anymore.  That gets me no where. I have a limited amount of energy to spare every day, and I choose to spend it thinking happy thoughts and enjoying the moments.  Constantly thinking about how terrible I feel and being angry at Big Pharma and doctors and drugs and what not, just brings me down. It brings everyone down.  

I know I have worked hard, and it's been extremely hard, but I've tried to keep a smile on my face through all of this.  It's just something that has to be done.  It's a job.  And like any job, you choose to do it. So if you're going to bitch the entire time, you need to just quit the job or quit bitching.  I choose to quit bitching.  I will still spread the word and warn everyone I know, but not with fear and anger.  That doesn't work. It doesn't work for the christians, so it's certainly not going to work for me.  People will find out in their own time, and I hope they know that I will be here for them when they are ready.

Meanwhile, today is my last day taking .375mg of Klonopin.  The holiday is over so I will continue to taper down.  I will now use the liquid method with almond milk.  Next stop, .3125mg. Yup.  Taking 1/2 of .125 out (.0625) and see how that does me for three days.  Then down again.  Every 3 days.  I will keep you posted. And if you or anyone you know is on a Benzo drug and needs help or information, just let me know! I will be happy to help.