Friday, June 27, 2014

DAY 50. Shits getting real.

It is day 50.  That's a long ass time.

So yeah, I am again not feeling all that great and haven't written in a while.  I have hit a wall in my taper from Klonopin and it is super duper hard to keep going and keep a fucking smile on my face.

The worst part of all this is the 'non-believers'.  People that think I am just making all this shit up for funzies.  That blows my damn mind.  And it hurts like a bitch. What kind of person would do that?  What exactly is it that I have to gain from "pretending" to not be able to walk and talk at times? Or not being able to read and write properly? Or not being able to understand or hear things? Or not being able to get out of bed?  What do I have to gain?  And why would I "pretend" to do it 24/7, even when I'm alone all day?  How does a person do that? And why? I mean, really.  What do I have to gain from pretending to have these symptoms?  I'm not going to get famous by my videos, I don't want to. If that was my plan, I probably would have put a little make up on first, or even bathed.  I do my videos for YOU. Yes, YOU.  So you people will know what it's really like to go through this.  Words don't help.  You need to see. 

So far, what I have gained from going through this for 50 days is..... nothing. Except an insight to mental and physical disabilities. 

I've lost my health
I've lost my strength
I've lost friends
I've lost family
I've lost my savings
I've lost my fucking mind
I'm about to lose my job
I'm about to lose my ability to drive a car
I can't go to the fucking grocery store because I cannot walk that far
I have to use a fucking granny cane to get around
I am stared at constantly every where I go
I can't enjoy the summer with my daughter
I can't go out with friends
I can't dance anymore
I can't cook a full meal 
I can't take a fucking shower
I haven't shaved my legs for 50 days. Yup. That's the least of my worries
I can't eat a full meal...
I can't get people to understand what this is, and what I'm going through. I am constantly judged and even laughed at for what I look like and how I have to get around.  Yet, all I can do is shut the fuck up, keep a god damn smile on my face and keep going.  Keep going through hell so I can come out clean on the other side.  

If I break down, my world breaks down with me.  It's already crumbling.  If I can't laugh at myself when I walk like a fucking zombie, my child will see, and be scared shitless and she will go down.  If I can't stay calm and blow all these symptoms off as though it's "Just another day in Benzo Land", my daughter will be terrified and depressed and just as angry at the world as I am inside.

I have to keep my wits about me for my daughters sake, and mine.  I have to keep my happy mask on, when in reality I am crying like a sick baby inside and scared for my life.  

Right now, I have to put on my war face. I have to stand up, (with my cane), and keep climbing this mountain all by myself and knock all the fuckers who don't believe me down.  I don't have the time or the energy to deal with these people.  I cannot be brought down anymore that I am.

Every day is a battle beyond belief, unless you have lived it.  PEOPLE DON'T KNOW.  Doctors don't know. I am in a constant battle to get people to believe me and get validation from anyone. For instance, last night my doctor told me to go to the ER for a CT scan to make sure I had not had a stroke.  (all part of withdrawals)  The doctors at the ER had no idea what I was talking about when I said, "I'm in Benzo Withdrawal".  They couldn't wrap their dumbass heads around it.  Until finally, a new nurse was sent to my room.  The nurse said, "I decided to switch with the other guy because I know about Benzodiazepine Withdrawals."  I could not have been more relieved.  He knew.  Finally! Someone already knew without me having to explain it to them.  Then he said, "Out of all the medicines a person can be on for the rest of their life, Benzodiazepines are the worst. If you ever try to get off of them they are more difficult to recover from than ANY OTHER DRUG."  THANK YOU! Finally!  "They are more difficult to recover from than any other drug".  It's the damn truth. And finally, a real person around here knew it.

ugh.

Alright. Calming down.  I'm grumpy today. In case you can't tell. It's all part of it.  I am just so damn tired. The truth of it is, my own fucking mother doesn't believe me. And that is weighing hard on my emotions right now.  She came in and saw me with a cane and almost started laughing at me. 'Snickered with a grin', would be the right description. Out of everything that went down last night, I kept thinking to myself, 'this can't be happening, it can't be right, I must be imagining it with my benzo brain'.  Nope.  Unfortunately, I had a witness to it all.  My daughter. When it was all said and done, my daughter said to me through tears, "I don't know what just happened, but I get it now".  I asked her, "what just happened? am I crazy or did my mother really just say all that and was she really being that mean?"  

"Yes.  I saw it." she said.

Another validation.   It's hard.  It's really hard.  For once, I had someone see it, hear it, and understand. I know my daughter, and I told her to please tell me the truth about what she heard and saw. I told her not to 'take my side' just because I'm her mom.  I told her that I really needed to know if it was all real, because it was pretty bad.  My 13 year old agreed.  She saw the side that I've seen.  My daughter was angry and hurt as well.  My daughter is the only one that has seen me go through this every step of the way.  She keeps me smiling. She's my reason to keep going.  I feel so scared and alone but I always have her.  I have to keep it all inside, I can't have her knowing the pain I'm in physically and emotionally.  She doesn't need the added stress either. 

Anyhoo...

I'm not going to keep on with all that nonsense.  But here are some links to the latest videos I've posted showing my 'condition' with Benzo Withdrawal.  Get the hell off  anti-anxiety meds, ya'll.  

June 24, 2014 Walking: Day 2 Holding dose at .25mg

June 25, 2014 When the dose wears off, 12 hours later

June 25, 2014 BAD WALK Day 3 of Holding .25mg dose

June 26, 2014 DAILY TASK. PAYING A BILL WITH BENZO BRAIN


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