I haven't been posting daily, as you all can see, because I just don't see the point. Now, I'm doing more of an update thing, so to speak.
So here's the update from the past 6 days.
When I last posted I was on .5mg of Klonopin. That is half of my original dose. Other than the rush of emotions, insomnia, mood swings, sore muscles and stiff joints (just to name a few), I actually have been doing quite well. Until today.
I have been holding at .5mg for 9 days now, I think. The first 3 days after I went down to .5 were pretty rough, as I already knew they would be, and then the withdrawal symptoms lightened up. I have been doing very well for the past 3 or 4 days, other than little things here and there. I'm sitting here thinking I am such a badass and I'm flying through this with no problems, look at me go, I'm hardcore...blah blah blah. Well today is kicking my ass.
I have been so nauseated all day today and had a migraine all morning. And it's one thing to be a little nauseated, but I've been dry heaving as well. Where the hell did this come from?? I have been FINE! But that's Benzos for ya! It's a bully. A big ass mother fucking bully that will leave you alone just long enough for you to get comfortable then sneak up behind you and knock yo ass down! Then steal your money and laugh. Really, that's what it feels like.
And what do I do about it? That's my question for today. I was going to keep holding my dose at .5 for a while before I cut it down again, but now I don't know what to do. I mean, I already feel like shit, why not just cut my dose again? Or just flush all the pills down the damn drain! I mean, shit man! I'm not happy.
I thought I had this done. I thought I was trucking along, kicking Benzos ass, and getting healed. On the contrary. I don't know what's going on in my body. I'm having the tingling sensations in my head again, dizziness, mood swings, headaches, body aches, Benzo belly...all the shit all over again. I don't like it. So, I'm debating on what to do about it. Should I cut again? Or keep holding? I really don't see the point in holding, to tell the truth.
But the thing is, I have a friend that is having surgery this week and I am the caregiver afterwards. Hence, why I was holding in the first place. I didn't want to be going through bad withdrawals before, during or after the surgery. Well of course Benzo isn't going to let me have what I want. The surgery is in 2 days. To cut or not to cut? I think I'm going to try to cut. Tomorrow. Then hopefully the symptoms wont hit me too hard until later.
BUT WHO KNOWS? You can't live with this shit. You can't make plans, you can't control it, you can't even depend on it to do what it's suppose to do! Why did it have to fuck up my day now? Why did it decide to knock me back on my ass now? Why did I even start getting off of it? Why did I even get on it? WHY is it still on the market!? And why is it so freaking hard to get off of it when I am on such a small dose? ugh. It's exhausting.
Just have to keep going. Keep going.
On a good note, people can tell a difference in me. That makes me smile. Because I can tell a difference in me. Now, I've had people tell me that they see a slight difference in just 27 days. It's noticeable to others and that makes me happy. I AM getting my life back, I'm just having a shitty go of it.
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