Day 39. Well, shit.
Here's an update for ya...last we spoke I mentioned that I had become cocky. 'Tis true. I got cocky. I thought I was one in a million that had it good and it was so simple to get off Klonopin in a month or two. I was wrong.
Over the past 39 days I have made it down from 1mg of Klonopin to .25mg of Klonopin. 1/4 of my original dose. Shit gets real around this time.
My last entry was on my 37th day, and I recall mentioning how I was twitching and had some anxiety and an overall feeling of shit. Well, that feeling never ended that day. In fact, it got worse. By 7pm I was shaking. I was freezing and couldn't get warm, I was twitching, my leg was kicking kinda on its own, couldn't breathe and what not...yadda yadda yadda....I had a panic attack. Yes, kids, I had a full blown, bullshit panic attack. I cannot remember the last time I had one.
I tried for over an hour to calm myself down. I told myself that it was just withdrawals from the drug, and that I was ok. But as most of you know, when you are panicking, you are an irrational idiot and you can think of nothing else but your own death and doom.
After an hour, I caved. I was scared, my daughter was scared, so I took half a pill. An hour after that, my body was still clenched like a fist, so I took another .25mg of my pill. All that, plus the .25mg I had taken that morning, equals 1mg. I was back to my original dose.
Que the music: *womp womp waah*
Needless to say, I was none too happy about it. I felt like a failure, and I felt pretty pissed. All the anger towards my doctors and the drug came washing back over me. The reality of the strength and power this drug has over my body hit me like a charging bull. Quite humbling, I'd say. I am not one in a million that has it easy, I'm just like everyone else, and the drug is going to treat me as such.
After I had taken the .75mg, I finally calmed down. And I noticed the drug in me and how it felt. I felt numb. I felt just like I was doing the motions of life. And I realized that is how I have been living life for the past 3 years while on this shit.
The next morning, I woke up with swollen fingers. That's a sensation I haven't felt in a while. I used to wake up like that every day, I figured I had too much salt in my diet. (even though I don't use much salt) NOPE, just a side effect of Klonopin that I never noticed. I also woke up jittery with anxiety, and depressed. Like, super depressed, crying at commercials. Also, my acid reflux/heartburn had returned and I was rude to strangers. Yes, rude to strangers. All too familiar. I cannot believe I have lived like this for so long! No wonder I had to keep taking the damn pill! It made me feel anxious and depressed! No wonder the doctors thought I needed antidepressants and mood stabilizers! This shit caused it all! Assholes. I hate this drug.
So here I am, the day after that. Today I went back to my .25mg I was on before the panic attack. Hopefully it can stay that way. I think that along with the withdrawals, the panic attack was caused because I was on the 5th day of holding the same dose, and because of some stress and drama I had the day before. By the 5th day of holding, more of the drug is getting out of your system and withdrawals hit harder, that combined with the stress and drama just did me in.
Funny thing about this is, just like any illness, you have to rest. But not only do you have to rest your body and stay in bed, you have to rest your mind. Seriously. The last time I had to up my dose was after I had a random bit of stress and drama. You cannot think about shit. You cannot have the slightest bit of nonsense in your life or you will be knocked back on your ass. That's pretty hard to avoid. Especially if you are still working and living in the real world. Lucky for me, I work part time from home and don't get out much.
Moral of the story is..... I'm still here, trying my damnedest to get off this shit. I have had some set backs, some scary moments and some wake up calls, but all in all it's still worth it. I never know what is going to happen and I cannot get cocky or try to over-do it with my body AND my brain. Chill. I must chill. I must relax and breathe easy. But it can be done!! I shall try again. There's nothing else to do but keep going.
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