Day 40: I am tired.

Day 40. Nice even number.

I'm pretty emotional today.  I have been depressed or angry most of the day. The memories from my past that keep coming into my head are very upsetting to me.  I know we aren't suppose to "dwell on the past", but I'm just now remembering the past...so... yeah.  It sucks. Yes, I am getting off the hellish Benzo drug, Klonopin, but lets not forget that I also have stopped drinking as well.  I was not an alcoholic, but I have drank socially since I was 17ish.  I have had bouts of 'sobriety' a few times, but I think I was taking an antidepressant or some shit at those times too.  Basically, this is the first time in my life that I have been sober, in every way, in many years.  I just have waves of memories flood over me out of nowhere all the time.  I have had flashbacks and memories from my childhood that I had forgotten, along with realizations of other memories.  It's like seeing things from a different point of view.  A sober, clean minds point of view.  Things that didn't seem like a big deal at the time, I think of it now and it's disturbing and sad.  All of this is a normal part of Benzo withdrawal.  My brain is healing.

I have not had a terrible life at all. But I have had a pretty rough one, that's for damn sure.  Pregnant at 19, father of my child killed at 20, married an abusive man, twice divorced by 27, lost two fiance's, two babies, numerous jobs and dependent on Klonopin by 33. Ehh... that pretty much sums up my adult life so far.  I just can't get my shit together.  And that's depressing.  But as look back now, with my clean brain, I realize that I was on a prescription drug or drinking through all of this.  
I was put on my first antidepressant at age 17.  Prozac.  Yup, some dumbass put me on Prozac at 17.  That, of course, made me crazy and made me act in ways I never would have before.  So they tried another drug, then another, and another.  Til after my first husband, I got off the prescriptions and started to drink on and off.

So yeah.  Prescription drugs and alcohol have been a part of my life since I was a teenager.  *BOOM*  Just put that together in my head.  I never, EVER abused the prescription drugs, I was always afraid of them. But I certainly had my fare share of getting my drink on there for a while.  So it's the first time in almost 20 years that I am not putting poison in my body.  Well, I take that back, technically I still am because I have to take my .25mg of Klonopin a day. 

This whole experience has really changed me, and I'm not even finished yet. It's like I have woken up and noticed that someone has just made a mess of my life and I now have to clean it up.  I have to start from the beginning.  I have to get a new job, new budget, new friends... everything.  I have been excited about all of this, but it's also terrifying!  I want to be on my own.  I don't want help from anyone, I don't want other people to make my choices for me, I want to do it on my own and trust my own instinct... knowing now that I have a clean brain and body. All my life I have been told what to do and how to live, if I didn't do it their way I was cut off and scolded.  And when I did do it their way it ruined my life and I was miserable.  

I have to live for me now.  I am choosing to get off this drug.  I am choosing to get a new job.  I am choosing what field of work I'm going to do.  I am choosing how I spend my money.  I am choosing how to save my money.  I am choosing how my daughter and I are going to live.  And one day, I will choose WHERE my daughter and I will live.  

I am tired of living under a thumb.  I am tired of being looked at like I'm a screw up.  I am tired of knowing that my family is sick and tired of looking at me and that they think that I am a disappointment.  I am tired of feeling unloved and unwanted by people that could never have survived what I have been through.  I am tired of being judged and put down. I am tired of having to do things YOUR WAY.  I'm just plain tired.  And I'm ready to get away from all of this, and away from all the negative people. I am leaving this shitty life with people that don't support me and people that ignore me, and I'm entering a life that I create with my own positive emotions and strength.  

You are not invited.