So when I last wrote to you all, I believe that I was feeling incredibly ill and was debating on whether or not I should cut my dose again. I was down to .5mg of Klonopin, from my original dose of 1mg, and I had been holding on to that dose for a little over a week. WELL. Lets see what you've missed shall we?
I decided that I was going to keep going down on my dose. So the next day (day 28) I cut my dose in half. I cut down to .25mg. I took it in the morning and 4 hours later I was shaking and twitching. Yes, TWITCHING. Uncontrollable muscle movements like you wouldn't believe. Then the crazy hit me, I felt like I was going insane. It's like I want to cry, but then again I want to scream and turn into the Wolverine and break things. So, needless to say, that wasn't working and I took the other half of my dose.
So then I was thinking, "what to do, what to do". I can't just stay at .5mg forever, I have to keep tapering off this godforsaken bullshit pill. So it was my brilliant idea to try to do the liquid taper again.
Now, for those of you that haven't heard, a liquid taper is when you dissolve your pill in a certain amount of water and take out 1 milliliter of water a day. It is suppose to be the best way to taper off this medication because it is super slow and has the least amount of side effects and withdrawal symptoms. Yeah, well, whatever. I tried it in the beginning, and it DID NOT work for me. It felt like I just quit cold turkey and I thought I was going to die. But for some reason, I thought it would work well for me this time.
Did I mention that memory loss, confusion and brain damage is a side effect and withdrawal symptom??
So yeah. On day 29, I dissolved my .5mg of Klonopin in 150ml of water, shook it up real good and pulled out 1ml of water with a syringe. Then I drank what was left and that was to be my dose for the day. Oh, and I also decided to do this on a day when I had a friend that was having surgery and I had to be at the hospital most of the day and drive my friend around.
Idiot. What the hell was I thinking?
I went crazy. I was completely exhausted, I was super grumpy and snippy, my face and eyes were swelling up again, my body ached....oh my god it was bad. But I made it through the day and went to sleep without taking another dose. By the end of the day (in my brilliant, non brain damaged mind), I figured I was just tired and grumpy because I had been busy and had to get up early. Yeah, right.
So the next day, day 30, I did the liquid taper again. And this time I took out 2ml of water. Well, I drank my dose at 9am. By 3pm I was having crazy mood swings and was having a hard time talking and understanding people when they spoke. I also was having some anxiety. So at 3pm, I took part of my pill, .25 to be exact. And by 9pm, I was in complete crazy city. I was hallucinating, I couldn't read or see words, noises and sounds were hurting my eyes, ears and head, and I had the psychosis happening. I was nuts. Then I just started crying. I don't know why, it just happened. I wasn't sobbing, I was just leaking tears uncontrollably. So at 9pm, I took the other part of my pill, .25mg again. Then I was fine.
Yeah. The liquid taper DOES NOT WORK FOR ME AT ALL. Bad idea. Today, day 31, I just took my usual .5mg and I've been doing pretty good. I'm sore and tired and my face is still swollen, some burning skin and sore joints...but that's from the shit I put my body through the past 2 days. It's an injury to my body. It really is. We have to take the time to let our brains and bodies heal after this shit.
So tomorrow, I will try again. Maybe cutting, maybe something else. But I will figure it out. When doing this, you HAVE to listen to your body. Everyone is different. It blows peoples minds that the liquid taper doesn't work for me, and that I have come so far so fast. But that's me! Sorry if it's not you. I guess I am lucky to be able to do this so quickly. It takes years for most people. But it can be done and it WILL be done. I just have to find what works for me.
Gotta keep going!
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