Day 37: Don't get cocky.

Day 37.

I got cocky.  

I have been holding my dose of .25mg of Klonopin for what...5 days now? Other than the insomnia, headaches, dizziness and nausea I have been doing very well.  So well that I got all cocky and thought I was almost done and this whole thing would be behind me in no time.  Well, no.  I forgot how no matter what happens you cannot predict what this mess will do to you.  *sigh*

So last night I couldn't sleep again, for about the 3rd day.  But last night was different because I started to twitch.  I have had some twitching before and I think I upped my dose, but I haven't done it this time.  I was twitching all night long. I also started having anxiety again.  I got short of breath, my chest felt heavy...all the usual signs of increased anxiety and panic.  It has been so long since I have felt that feeling and it was not a welcomed one.  I then started having irrational thoughts and fears about things that were 'wrong with me'.  I started thinking I had fluid on my brain, a tumor, poor circulation, I was going to have a seizure and die from suffocating in my pillow...  all those happy thoughts.  But alas, I think I finally fell asleep around 3am, and then I was up by 8:30 this morning.  

I still am twitching.  I am nauseated and dry heaving.  I am having anxiety and feel jittery all over.  My right leg has started acting up again, it is so sore that it feels odd when I move it.  My knee and ankle are almost numb from the pain in my joints.  My shoulders and back are so tensed up that I am living with my heating pad on my back again.  

This sucks.  Part of me wants to go ahead and take my dose for today instead of waiting til this afternoon when I usually take it.  Another part of me wants to double my dose, which would only be half a pill, so all of this would go away and I could have a great and active Saturday with my daughter.

Things could be so much easier.  And it's hard to not just take my pill and make all this go away.  But I KNOW that my pill will not make it disappear.  It just causes an illusion.  Just like pain pills don't cure your pain, they just mask it for a few hours.

I'm feeling low, yet still hopeful. I'm feeling scared, yet relieved.  I'm feeling pain, but I know it's just poison leaving my body.  I'm feeling guilty for going through all this around my daughter, but I know I have to do it in order to get our lives back.

I want to run away a lot.  Over the past few weeks I have had so many dreams and thoughts and wishes to just sell everything I own and take off. Move to another state and start over.  I'm not trying to run away from my problems, I just want to start over with a new life in a new place.  I want to look out my window and see beauty, not a fence or another house.  I want to look out my window with a sigh or relief and be full of a peace and happiness, instead of grunting and wishing I could leave.  Or complaining about the neighbors, or the traffic and raised taxes.  I want to be off the grid.  Away from fake people, snobs, evil doctors, bratty kids, police sirens, criminals, rumors, gossip and drama.  I actually want to be alone for the first time.  Get out of town and stay there.  So much stress is caused by daily living.  We don't realize it until we stop and get away from the daily grind, or focus on getting rid of the stress.  

Anyway. I just went into my dream world.  I'm trying not to focus on all the pain and sickness I'm feeling right now.  I have to suffer through it.  It just goes to show that you cannot be sure what will happen with this drug.  You never know what will happen or when.  You can live a life with it.  But you just have to keep going.  I have have to keep going.  This too, shall pass.