I haven't written here in a while. I feel pretty lousy, and I don't think I will be getting better any time soon. My brain is a hot mess of thoughts going from anger to confusion, crying to laughing and then straight up inability to speak. So instead of trying to type a long post, I'm just going to copy and paste from my Facebook wall, of some things that have happened since we last spoke.
June 18.
I was just offered the best job, at the best facility, with the best rate of pay ever and I had to turn it down
June 19.
I'm following in the footsteps of others going through Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome by posting this, it is my final plea for those of you that are still in my life. This is information you need to know about the person I am today...
I am not the same person that I was when we met. I'm not the same person I was when you last saw me. I'm not the same person I was the last time you spoke to me. That may be two days ago, two weeks ago, or two years ago. I'm going through a transition, and I honestly do not know when or what the outcome will be. There are days when I cannot understand simple instructions, I cannot understand people when they speak to me, I cannot put simple words together to make a sentence. There are days when I cannot walk without my legs shaking and almost knocking me over. There are days when I cannot eat. On most days I do not sleep. I cannot recognize my own hand in front of me. Pictures on my wall seem to move with a breeze that's not there. Loud noises, telephone rings, my dog barking, my cat's meow in the middle of the night, all these simple sounds put me in a tailspin of psychosis that I cannot understand or explain. My emotions run high and low, I'm more sensitive on some days, and on others I don't care about anything. Every single day for me is a battle to survive. A battle to eat, sleep, keep up with basic personal hygiene and small tasks. I cannot remember the last time I cooked a real meal. I cannot remember the last time I took a shower instead of a shallow bath. I cannot remember the last time I was able to drive my car for more than 20 minutes. I cannot remember the last time I was able to turn up the volume when my favorite song came on the radio. I may look healthy and normal on the outside, but believe me, inside is much different. Some days I can pass for normal, but most days I can't get out of bed. But here are some things that I know, and some things most of you do not know, about me.
I am not mentally ill. I am not a basket case. I am not crazy. I am not seeking attention. I am not a hypochondriac. I am not someone to be afraid of. I am not a drug addict. I am not lazy. I am not a liar. And I am certainly not full of shit and making everything up. For those of you that have completely ignored or disbelieved what I'm going through, please dismiss yourself from my life. I do not need any added stress or insult to injury. I am trying to heal. If you choose to not research benzo withdrawal syndrome, if you choose to not look at a single link that I have posted for you to educate yourself, if you choose to live in your world and judge me, then again please dismiss yourself from my life. It is extremely difficult for me to stay strong and stay positive while feeling the way that I do, and while trying to accept the changes that my body is going through. I have become disabled. I realized that the way I walk, the way I speak, and the way I handle things is a lot like the people I have taken care of in my line of work. These symptoms of withdrawal are not a choice. It is my choice to endure them so I can be healthy once again. If I was an addict I would continue to put poison into my body daily as the doctors have told me to do, just in order to not go through this. I am choosing to do this. It is my choice and I'm sticking by it. You cannot take the symptoms away, but if you want to help me, all you have to do is believe me. Believe the millions of others across the world that are going through the same thing. Join a group, do some research, it is not difficult. I'm tired of trying to explain myself, I'm tired of people thinking I'm crazy or that I'm exaggerating what I'm going through. There is only one person on this earth right now that has seen firsthand what I am personally going through, and if you are not that person then you don't know. I have lost many friends due to this drug, it won't make a difference if I lose more. Please add yourself to the list if you are not supportive and if you do not believe me. The added stress of people talking behind my back does not help me and you are not wanted in my life. I'm doing everything I can to survive. It would be so much easier if I kept taking this pill, it would be so much easier if I filed for disability and never worked again, it would be so much easier if I went to the doctor and got put on another drug to help relieve my withdrawal symptoms. But I will not do that. I post something almost every day about what I'm going through, not to seek attention, but to educate you on the dangers of Benzo drugs. No one told me about it, and I'm spending my time trying to warn all of you. The only people I want in my life are positive and supportive people. I am not asking anyone to hold my hand or to take care of me, I am asking you to believe me. I am asking you to read ONE article about what I'm going through. I am asking you to stop judging me. Just leave me be and let me heal without negativity. If you cannot do that, please dismiss yourself from my life. I am not writing this while angry, I'm not writing this to any specific person, I am writing this for everyone that is living in denial or ignorance about what this drug has done to me and millions of others. Educate yourself before you judge anyone.
June 20.
My original dose of 1mg Klonopin and the dose I tapered down to, .25mg. It's amazing what happens to me if I don't take that little crumb of .25mg
June 20.
Short video on what happens when I don't take my .25mg dose
Get off this shit, ya'll. I am seeing way to many similarities between myself and my patients. I took care of people that are developmentally disabled, have brain injuries, and elderly patients with dementia. It rots your brains on a level that is criminal.
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