Day 18: What day is this?

Day.....18?
Update on my Klonopin taper/withdrawals/living hell/TEST OF STRENGTH.

I've been a bit out of it the past few days, but I'm still here.  I have been getting my days and nights mixed up and forgetting what day it is quite a bit. Just realized it's been 4 days since my last post.  Oops.   

Anyhoo....
I am still hanging on at .75mg of my original 1mg Klonopin dose.  After trying different methods and listening to my body, this is where I am and this is where I shall stay for a while.  I keep getting comments about how I cut my dose too fast, and yeah, they are probably right.  When I first cut down to .75, I started by taking .5 in the morning and .25 at night.  Well, that didn't work, so I ended up taking it all at once and I'm rolling with it.

Don't get me wrong, this shit ain't easy.  The first few days were HELL.  A living hell.  I was sick to my stomach, didn't eat, migraines, insomnia, mood swings, bloating or "yeast die off" in my guts (yeah, it's a thing and it sucks), and the usual dizziness and blurred vision.  Fun!  But I've kept with it and I'm starting to get use to it.  

I still am having some insomnia, nausea and headaches.  I have good days and bad days.  That's the thing with this crap, you never know what is going to happen or how you are going to feel day to day. It certainly keeps you on your toes. 

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good.  I think my body is healing a little bit.  I am having new emotions and epiphanies about my life and the way I live it. About my job, my child, my love life (or lack there of), just an overall life and personality *POOF* of being mind blown.  I'm rethinking a lot of the things I do, or have done.  I'm rethinking my friends and family.  I'm rethinking what is best for ME and MY CHILD.  The shitty part of this is that I don't know if this is me finally coming to my senses because this drug is getting out of my system, or if it's just the brain damage.  To me, they seem like great ideas! But I've learned not to make quick moves on these things.  We shall see how this all plays out.

I'm also having nightmares every single time I FINALLY sleep, which is maybe 3 hours a night. And it's kinda crazy that every time I dream or have a nightmare it's always about the same 2 things.  Moving to a new house, and my mother. Hmmm.... that's something to talk to a psychiatrist about, but wuda ya know, I fired that dumb bitch 3 weeks ago. I'm having to rely on myself.  I have to fix myself.  The strength it takes to go through all this is unbelievable and no one can do it but me.  And I have a long way to go!

Some people in my recovery group have said that they think they are better ON these drugs than they are off.  Simply because life is easier and they don't have to deal with being scared or having panic attacks all the time.  They don't feel sick, they don't feel tired, and they can just keep on going as if they don't know anything about the dangers.  UUUGGGHHHH.  No.  You are just giving up.  It's kind of like a friend of mine that came up to me the other day and said she knows what I'm going through because she was once on Klonopin.  But now she is on Ativan and she is much better.  IT'S THE SAME THING YA'LL!   I realize that I have become a big anti-drug person like overnight and I'm trying not to shove it in peoples faces like religious folk do, but MAN.  It's hard not to.  I can already tell a difference in my body in just a week of tapering off this shitty ass drug.  It's worth the work.  It's hard, but it is worth it.  The bad days are bad, but the good days are good.  And now I can remember the good days! I have lost so many memories because of this drug, I wont let it steal any more.

Keep going everyone, if I can do it, you can do it.