Day TWO: "...You knew it was dangerous, but you let the people go swimming anyway!"

Day TWO.

I found out today that Klonopin is not 'recommended' for use more than 2 weeks, yet I've been on it for 3 years.  Some people have been on it for 20.
Fuck this shit.  I want to grab the mother fucker that invented Klonopin and punch him in his throat. Strap him up, throw him on his pile of money and set it on fire. Along with my fucking doctor and psychiatrist that keep giving me the shit.  Mood swings?  FUCK YEAH I got mood swings.  I'm on day two coming off this shit.  I have only cut my dosage by 20%.  This is fucked up.

I woke up this morning more exhausted than I ever have been in my entire life.  I couldn't get out of bed. I was too tired to breathe. Yes, so tired that it hurt to breathe. I waited as long as I could and then took half my dosage for the day.  I only took half because last night I started feeling worse and worse as the drug wore off, so I saved the second half of today's dosage for later. First dose was at 9am, second was at 4pm.  

Right now, I am tired again.  I am super grumpy to the point where I want to growl at people.  I have been having blurred vision, tingling in my head, stiff muscles, swollen joints (knees mostly), and nausea.  My head just feels like its in a fog. Like everything is in slow motion. Oh yeah, and then there's the headache. But that is constant.  

I still have not taken anything to help with the withdrawal symptoms because I do not want to put ANYTHING in my body.  Everything is poison.

All I want to do is lay in bed, which is what I have been doing mostly.  Thank god I didn't have to work today. Or tomorrow.  With my job, I have to keep a level head and something tells me that I'm going to be losing yet ANOTHER job because of this shit.  Only this time, it's not because of my panic attacks, it's because I'm a fucking drug dependent mother fucker that had no say in the matter.  I didnt' go out and by crack by choice and become addicted and dependent, I don't use drugs.  But then again, apparently I do!!  I am dependent on this shit because of those pharmaceutical fuckers that want to make money.  I am so angry.  

No, I'm not going to go hunt anyone down or hurt anyone or myself.  I'm just going to sit in my little room and deal with this shit.  It's just another side effect and withdrawal symptom.  Mother fuckers.

Please folks, if anyone is reading this, don't take these drugs.  Klonopin, Xanax, Valium... all those.  Stay away from them.  It's not worth it, man.  Not worth it.  Everyone in the support group tapering off this shit wants to die and feels like they are going to.  One person quit cold turkey and next thing you know she woke up in a hospital because she had a seizure.  She had been taking the same dose as me. ONE milligram.  And she hadn't even been on it that long.

I know this post today is pretty nasty, but that's what it's all about.  I'm just sharing how I feel.  Normally, I'm a pretty happy and nice person.  At least I think I am.  I don't know who I am anymore. I've been a Klonopin drone for 3 years.  It has eaten away at my brain and organs like a damn zombie and I have been left to rot. Fucking pharmaceutical big wigs. Bet they're all in a hot tub out in the snowy mountains smoking cigars and laughing.  They are criminals.  Every one of them. 

Alright, that's it for today. I'm just too damn grumpy.  But I'm still going to do this shit.  Tomorrow I go down again.  As long as I can take it, I'm going to keep going down slowly every day.  

I WILL DO THIS.