Day 11: "Atlas"

Day 11

Not good. Not good. Not good.  It's really hitting me now.  I'm on my 3rd day holding at 95% and it's BAD. When the drug wears off it's hard to do anything.  I'm scared.  

I cleaned the kitchen today.  Bad idea.  I got dressed and drove 10 minutes away. Bad Idea. I made cookies. Bad idea.

This sucks. It freakin sucks. I took my dose around 11:30 after the withdrawal symptoms were sooo bad that I was ready to give up. By 8pm I was stuttering again, I was dizzy, I was nauseated, I couldn't walk straight.  I had a stiff muscle in the front of my neck, felt like a lump in my throat, but it's a muscle. Well, that muscle hurt like hell. It also made my jaws hurt like hell, then up to my temples, then here comes the migraine.

Oh and lucky me, the insomnia hit me last night. Yay! I knew it was coming, I hear others talking about it every day.  So here I am, at the insomnia stage. Is that a milestone? lol I don't know. Right now, nothing surprises me.  Last night with the lump in my neck and dizziness and migraine, I thought I was having a stroke or something.  I was home alone and scared. But I asked the group, and (shocker) it's normal!  It just blows my mind.  I think if I broke my foot they would say it's normal.  Because EVERYTHING is a normal side effect or withdrawal symptom because of this drug. EV. ER. Y. THING.  

But my silver linings for today....let see...umm.... I'm still here. I'm still going.  I'm getting the word out.  My page views yesterday spiked by over a hundred after my video was shared.  That's a 100 more people that now know a little more.  I am no expert.  I am on day 11. I don't know it all.  Twelve days ago you couldn't have paid me to give up my Klonopin because of my fears and panic disorder. But now I know.  And that's a good thing. That's another silver lining.  I am over my panic disorder.  I haven't had a panic attack in 11 days.  I have felt like I was having one, I have been terrified, but it wasn't a panic attack. I know now that it is just withdrawal symptoms.  

I feel like I can explain everything now.  Everything makes sense now.  If I ever get the energy, I am going to look back and find out how many times I have been to the ER and all the reasons why.  How many times I have been to my doctor, gynecologist, psychiatrist, specialists, chiropractors, physical therapists... all of them over the past 3 years.  Because every time I went, it was for something caused by my increased anxiety and dependence on Klonopin. I know that now.  

A weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  A heavy weight that has been there for 3 years. But it has been replaced by a new one. One that I will be carrying for years and years to come while getting off this drug and even after. The symptoms don't stop.  Even when you are off.  Years after you are off, you will still have side effects. Why?  Because it causes freaking brain damage.  Yeah.  I have brain damage.  I'm sure all my ex boyfriends out there are glad to hear that! Yup.  You boys were right.  I have mood swings, irrational thinking, paranoia, hysteria, agoraphobia... and brain damage. (But hey, some of you were pretty nuts too)

ehh... I doesn't matter now.  I've been going through this, and people have come in and out of my life in the process.  It happens.  And while I am going through this detox and tapering off this drug, people are going to swing in and out of my life. But I know that I have to really focus on myself and healing. And I have to focus on my child and her healing.  All my extra time needs to go to her. She has been the one going through this with me.  Sometimes we cling and depend on the wrong people in our lives, simply because they are the only one around.  

We forget about all the children involved in this.  They have lost their parents. All the sudden mom wants to lay down all day instead of going to the park. They don't know why, just like a lot of people that have never been through this don't know why.  Unless you feel what we feel, you will never know. But I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's harder to get off Klonopin than to stay on, you may not die, but you sure as hell will think you're going to.  Just have to keep going.  Overlook the fears, educate yourself on the risks, listen to your body.  Just keep going. There is nothing else to do.