Day 4. Mother's Day.
Woke up with heart palpitations and some anxiety, nausea and stiff muscles. By the time I had made my coffee and fed all my pets I was seeing double. Like being drunk, but without the fun. So today I drank my little jar of water (klonopin pill disoved in water) at 8:30am. Couldn't make it til 5 today. bluh.
After I drank the cup of poison that I HAVE to take unless I want to have a seizure...I felt better. Shocker. But I'm still not 'normal'. I laid in bed for hours. I'm like a zombie. Well, maybe not, zombies move and eat stuff, I just lay here. I can feel the drug in me. I feel more relaxed, my muscles aren't as sore, I can see straight. Some say, 'why get off then?'. WELL. Because since I've been on it there have been more symptoms than I ever realized. Memory loss, for instance. I have zero memory of so many things that have happened. In fact, just writing this blog, I will read it and immediately forget so I read it again. Everything is like a deja vu. Because I've done it, I just forgot. These are all perfectly normal symptoms and side effects. It happens to soo many of us.
By noon had had been crying off and on for hours. I don't know why, I would just start crying out of no where. By 2pm I was so tired I didn't think I could walk, but I did. I had to go to the grocery store to get food for the family. I really didn't think I was going to make it. I gave my 13 year old the drill on what to do and who to call if I passed out or had a seizure in the store. But I made it.
By 4:30pm I was so tired that I could barely move and breathe. All I could do was lay in bed. Next thing I know I'm drooling and twitching, but I was awake. I rolled over and thought I was going to vomit. The blood in my veins felt like sludge. To thick to move through. My head aches, my body aches. I start to cry again. I told my support group what was happening, and of course, this is all normal. On day four, liquid taper, 4ml out of 300ml. I did the math, that equals .02% taken out of my original dose. I am taking 98% of 1mg and this is how I feel. This is insanity. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't think straight, I can't see straight. I don't understand people. And when I talk it feels like my tongue can't keep up with my brain. But it's all fucking normal. No need to worry.
Right now, I don't think I can do this. I didn't think it would be like this, not this early. I don't think I will be taking anymore out of my liquid taper tomorrow, I cannot deal with this again or have it worse. How am I going to work? How am I going to drive? To take care of my daughter, my house, my pets, myself? I have never been through anything like this in my life. It's worse than my panic disorder. And there's nothing I can do about it but keep going. I have to. I HAVE to keep going. I HAVE to get this out of me and out of my head. I HAVE to get back to the person I once was before all this started 3 years ago. Whoever that may be. I hope I can find that person again and live a happy life. An active life. I hope I can make up for the time I have lost with my child. She has suffered right along with me. I told her this would be the worst thing, but this will be the LAST thing. I have to do this for her. She needs her life back too.
PLEASE, for your sake and the people around you, don't start taking them. Get off them as soon as you can.
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