The Fifth Day...
I had a bit of a breakdown today. Well, a lotta bit of a breakdown. I tried to wait as long as I could again before drinking my jar of poison that is Klonopin in water. But I didn't make it long. I am taking 98% of my original dose and already the withdrawal symptoms are frightening. I think that before I started tapering off, my body was already too tolerant of the drug. I had withdrawals symptoms then, I just didn't know what they were.
This morning was pretty intense. I basically went into hysterics. I was crying, drooling, screaming....I was nuts, plain and simple. The headaches, pain all over, blurred vision and eye pain, chest pains, breathing problems, cramps, swellings...it's just too much for so soon and SO little off my dose. Then there are all the other side effects that could happen that stay in the back of my mind, and the fact that this is going to be my daily life for a long time.
This morning I was ready to give up. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I have a LONG way to go. But I'm not the only one. So many people are going through this and we all are doing it on our own. We can't rely on doctors or psychiatrists, they are now our enemy. All they want to do is get us hooked on another drug to "help us". We are all alone. The support group is all I have, and thank the goodness for them. They are the only ones that understand what it feels like. I'm sure of the people reading this, if you haven't experienced this, you think i am a big whiner. Well you just go right ahead and think that. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
My anger is back. I have appointments with my counselor and the woman that gave me the drug in the first place and I want to cancel them. My counselor didn't give me the drug, but I really just don't want to tell him about this. I don't know why, I guess because he is associated with all of it and he didn't tell me about this either. He may not have even known. To me, if feels like they tricked me. They lied to me. They betrayed me.
Right now I am wondering how I'm going to get through today. And tomorrow. I have an interview in the morning for a class that I have been trying to get into for months. It is the final stage before I find out if I get in. But I'm worried. How the hell am I going to be able to go to an interview like this? And then, if I get in, how am I going to be able to go to school like this? I can't even remember if I peed this morning, how am I going to remember shit I learn in school? But I cannot sacrifice my future and ruin YET ANOTHER opportunity because of this fucking drug and the effects it's having on me.
Depression is also hitting. Side effects are there, and there are too many to even name. I just feel so lost. I have the support online, but here at home, sitting by myself is frightening. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am so sick and tired of being in bed. And that is where I have been for a long time. Even before the tapering off. Which again, makes me realize that I was tolerant and needed more dosage then.
It's so unfair. I know that no one put a gun to my head and forced me to start taking this pill, and no one is forcing me to stop either. But I look back and think about how much money my doctor has made since I've been on this drug and it's unbelievable. You can make a lot of money off a hypochondriac. Especially if you are giving the drug that causes them to be that way. It's all about the money for them. Meanwhile, people on this drug, myself included, have lost their jobs or had to reduce the hours they work because of the effects. For those of you that don't know and haven't been on this drug, I know this sounds like a cop out and that we are all just lazy. Again, don't judge. Before this drug, I was a badass, hardworking, independent girl. I worked the same job for almost 5 years, then I went to school and got a new job working full time in the medical field. Didn't take long for me to lose that job after the panic and Klonopin set in. Since then, I have lost count of the jobs I have had. Some I would be there a year, some for a week. I would get fired for having to leave to go to the ER, or because I had to miss work for doctor visits, counseling and psychiatry. Then there are the jobs that I would just leave. I just wouldn't come anymore. I would disappear and tell no one. I don't know why, it just happened. This too, is normal behavior for everyone that has been on a Benzo drug.
I know I am responsible for my own actions, past and present. But it is a FACT that this drug causes brain damage. While taking it, and while getting off it. I have lost so much because of this and I can't let it go. I HAVE to keep taking it every day knowing what it is doing to me. Imagine if someone gave you something with a skull and crossbones on it and told you to drink it in order to live. "Whaaat?" yeah. I know it's poison, but if I just put it down I could die.
When I was younger, I always thought I would die young. Mostly because I just couldn't see myself as an old lady. Most people were like that when they were younger. But now, I am so scared that it may actually be true. I think this could kill me. I really do. And so many others think the same. And it's possible. It really could happen, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I have to just keep going. Drinking my poison everyday, tapering off 1ml at a time. For the next year at least.
PLEASE. Do research, get help, and get off of Benzo drugs.
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