Day 21: Memories..? I did what? To whom? When?

My 21st day of tapering off 1mg of Klonopin

Yeah, I skipped a few days again.  It's getting a bit difficult to remember and focus and stare at a screen for a long amount of time. But I am doing well. SO WELL, in fact, that yesterday I cut my dose again.  I am now down to 50% of my original dose.  So, half a pill.

I have been told that I am going too fast.  I have been told that I'm cutting too much of a dose at a time.  I've been told I'm doing it wrong. I've been told that I'm eating the wrong diet.  Well, shut your holes folks, because I'm getting this shit DONE. I'm listening to my body, and I'm rolling with the punches.

Moving on...

I had been on .75mg of my 1mg for about 5 days (I think) and I started feeling normal again.  For the most part, as normal as I can be. Yeah, I still had some nausea and headaches, but all in all I was ok.  So I decided to cut my dose again.  I want to get this over with and if I can handle it, I'm going to do it.

So I cut my dose .25mg again, and I'm on .5 or 50% of my original dose.  Now I knew when I cut it that the withdrawal symptoms where going to come over me again like a wildfire and I was going to have a rough week. Bring it.

Of course, here they came. Yesterday, I was dizzy, nauseated, blurry vision, migraine and all that fun stuff all over again with a vengeance. I also had inflamed joints like you wouldn't believe, burning skin, rash, and sore muscles all over. And of course I didn't sleep last night.  But I can handle it.

But the most common withdrawal symptom that I have actually found to be quite interesting is the emotional and memory problems.  First off, I have emotions now!  Sometimes too many.  I FEEL everything!  I am super sensitive some days and get my feelings hurt really easily, others days I am normal.  But I have feelings!! I didn't realize that I have been numb for the past 3 years.  

I also have memory problems and I am having flashbacks.  Flashbacks + Emotions = Feeling everything all over again.

I am suddenly remember events that happened over the past 3 years that I had either forgotten, or never remembered in the first place. Most of these flashbacks are from my relationships. I have had 2 major (ish) relationships in the past 3 years. One of them ended after I got ON the Klonopin, and the other ended just a few months ago.  I am remembering the break ups, the fights, the good times, the bad times....all of it (I think) from both relationships.  Which means, I am reliving the pain of the break ups.  But the interesting thing is, with both break ups, I had no emotion.  I wasn't upset about either of them at the time, but now I'm sad about it!  It's a strange sensation.  I can remember being hurt and angry, but not sad. I just didn't care about it all.  And then I tried to think about other events since I got on the drug, and I cannot remember being sad about anything.  I just remember always getting angry or hurt and lashing out.  So it makes me wonder if all those times I got upset were legitimate.  All girls hear from guys that we are over-reacting, but maybe they were correct! (just this once) Now, some things went on where I KNOW I was not over-reacting, and I know that I had the correct emotions, but others I'm not so sure.  I mean, I was suppose to get married in 3 days. Yup.  I was engaged and my wedding date is in 3 days.  I can't remember crying when that relationship ended.  I just remember being exhausted and angry.  But I should have been devastated, wouldn't you think??  Just goes to show how messed up my brain was/is.  Granted, he had his issues too, but still. I'm not saying I regret the break ups, I am just remembering them with a new, cleaner mind.

I don't want to ramble on about old relationships and all, but its odd to FEEL again.  Last night I cried for at least 10 minutes because my cat left the room.  Seriously.  That just got me thinking about how emotional we can be during the withdrawal of Klonopin. And how the drug took our emotions away and we never even knew it.

And as for the memories...  Once upon a time, I worked A LOT.  Like, 16 hours a day, at a nursing home.  I had one patient in particular that had severe dementia.  There were days when she didn't know where she was, how old she was, who I was, who her kids were... she was confused and had a lot of memory loss.  That's dementia.  That always fascinated me.  I wanted to know what it was like to live a day in her shoes.  Well, with this withdrawal syndrome, I have pretty much done it.  That is a silver lining for me.  When I first cut my dose of Klonopin, I had terrible confusion and memory loss.  It's just part of it.  I remember when I took my first shower after cutting my dose.  When I got out of the shower and saw myself in the mirror, I was confused.  I didn't recognize myself.  I saw all these piercings and tattoos, my hair was curly, I had bangs, I was thinner... I didn't know what I was seeing.  I just stared at myself and my body like I was having an acid trip.  Really.  That's what it's like.  And it reminded me of the time my patient saw her face and didn't recognize herself, she stared at her hands with confusion because she thought she was a 17 year old girl and her hands were wrinkled. 

It's like waking up from a coma.  It's like I have been sleeping for 3 years and someone else has been living my life for me.  I am waking up.  I am remembering how I have acted, things I have done, and I finally feel the pain from it.  I finally feel the embarrassment and the shame. 

 

There was no happiness in my life over the past 3 years on this drug.  It was just an illusion.  It was a prank, a trick, played on me by my psychiatrist.  I'm not laughing.  No one is laughing.  These drugs are horrible.  They stole my life and many others.  Yes, it was my choice to take them, but I was never told this would happen.  None of us were.  Please, do research and get off these drugs.  Get your life back.  I can do it, so can you.

I have attached a link for Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome.  Please read it so you can understand what myself and others are going through.  Also so you can learn all the names of the Benzo drugs so you can help others that may be on them.

Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome

Day 18: What day is this?

Day.....18?
Update on my Klonopin taper/withdrawals/living hell/TEST OF STRENGTH.

I've been a bit out of it the past few days, but I'm still here.  I have been getting my days and nights mixed up and forgetting what day it is quite a bit. Just realized it's been 4 days since my last post.  Oops.   

Anyhoo....
I am still hanging on at .75mg of my original 1mg Klonopin dose.  After trying different methods and listening to my body, this is where I am and this is where I shall stay for a while.  I keep getting comments about how I cut my dose too fast, and yeah, they are probably right.  When I first cut down to .75, I started by taking .5 in the morning and .25 at night.  Well, that didn't work, so I ended up taking it all at once and I'm rolling with it.

Don't get me wrong, this shit ain't easy.  The first few days were HELL.  A living hell.  I was sick to my stomach, didn't eat, migraines, insomnia, mood swings, bloating or "yeast die off" in my guts (yeah, it's a thing and it sucks), and the usual dizziness and blurred vision.  Fun!  But I've kept with it and I'm starting to get use to it.  

I still am having some insomnia, nausea and headaches.  I have good days and bad days.  That's the thing with this crap, you never know what is going to happen or how you are going to feel day to day. It certainly keeps you on your toes. 

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good.  I think my body is healing a little bit.  I am having new emotions and epiphanies about my life and the way I live it. About my job, my child, my love life (or lack there of), just an overall life and personality *POOF* of being mind blown.  I'm rethinking a lot of the things I do, or have done.  I'm rethinking my friends and family.  I'm rethinking what is best for ME and MY CHILD.  The shitty part of this is that I don't know if this is me finally coming to my senses because this drug is getting out of my system, or if it's just the brain damage.  To me, they seem like great ideas! But I've learned not to make quick moves on these things.  We shall see how this all plays out.

I'm also having nightmares every single time I FINALLY sleep, which is maybe 3 hours a night. And it's kinda crazy that every time I dream or have a nightmare it's always about the same 2 things.  Moving to a new house, and my mother. Hmmm.... that's something to talk to a psychiatrist about, but wuda ya know, I fired that dumb bitch 3 weeks ago. I'm having to rely on myself.  I have to fix myself.  The strength it takes to go through all this is unbelievable and no one can do it but me.  And I have a long way to go!

Some people in my recovery group have said that they think they are better ON these drugs than they are off.  Simply because life is easier and they don't have to deal with being scared or having panic attacks all the time.  They don't feel sick, they don't feel tired, and they can just keep on going as if they don't know anything about the dangers.  UUUGGGHHHH.  No.  You are just giving up.  It's kind of like a friend of mine that came up to me the other day and said she knows what I'm going through because she was once on Klonopin.  But now she is on Ativan and she is much better.  IT'S THE SAME THING YA'LL!   I realize that I have become a big anti-drug person like overnight and I'm trying not to shove it in peoples faces like religious folk do, but MAN.  It's hard not to.  I can already tell a difference in my body in just a week of tapering off this shitty ass drug.  It's worth the work.  It's hard, but it is worth it.  The bad days are bad, but the good days are good.  And now I can remember the good days! I have lost so many memories because of this drug, I wont let it steal any more.

Keep going everyone, if I can do it, you can do it.

Day 14: SUPPORT.

Day 14. Yeah, I skipped day 13. 

So I'm back to square one. Had to take a full dose today. Screw it. I can't do this anymore.  I have gone 4 nights without sleep and today had just too much damn drama and stress. Those things, combined with my taper/withdrawal symptoms from Klonopin. just put me over the top.  I lost it. I couldn't take it anymore. The irrational fear of death came rushing over me again with that same adrenaline and pain in my chest that I remember oh so well.  It doesn't matter how many times it has happened over the years, or how well I know what is really happening to my body, it still scares the hell out of me. I'm over it.  Which reminds me, FUCK THE DOCTORS ORDERS. Telling me to cut my pill in half... are you serious?  Idiot.  Don't do it folks. BAD. Very BAD.

But lets get to my point for today.... SUPPORT. I tell ya, I have never in my life needed the support of my family and friends more than I do right now.  I want to quit.  I want to give up.  The withdrawal is too much, the pain is too much, the physical and mental sickness is too much.  But who do I have to keep me going??  Not my family, but strangers in a recovery group on Facebook.  And thank the gods for them.  Tonight, when I lost it and started to panic, not knowing what was happening to me, I posted in my group and they were right there talking me through it within seconds.  They understand.

Talking with the group over these past 2 weeks, I've come to discover that we are all in the same boat.  Not just with the god awful life of Benzo dependency and withdrawals, but because our families are all the same. They're gone!  They don't get it. They don't get us.  And they don't want to.  

I can only assume to know why, I mean, if I ask I will be ignored.  Anytime I bring up the subject of what's happening, I'm literally ignored or they just sigh and change the subject.  Personally, I think they are just tired of it.  We are tired of it, so why can't they be tired as well?  They haven't been feeling what we have been feeling over the years, but they certainly have had to hear about it.  They're over it.  They don't get it, they don't care, they have their own shit to deal with.  I get it.  

But now that I'm actually getting off of this shit, it's like the boy that cried wolf. I thought I was going to die every day with panic disorder, but now I'm sicker than I EVER was.  My brain is sick.  Literally. When the shit wears off and I'm in withdrawal mode, I am dumb.  I cannot follow simple instructions. I cannot drive long distances (as in, more than 20 minutes).  I cannot focus on anything.  I get distracted and confused very easily.  I cannot understand people when they speak to me.  I can't remember what I say or do right after doing it most of the time.  Now would be a good time to give a shit about your friend or family member going through detox and Benzo withdrawal.  We aren't asking people to come hold our hand the whole time, or cook our meals and wait on us hand and foot.  How about just a phone call?  An email? A text?  Just a simple, "how's the taper going?"  So what if you have to listen to us cry or talk for a few minutes, or even an hour.  Do you REALLY not have that much time to spare?  We are ALONE in this.  And there is nothing worse than being sick and terrified and alone.  And then add in the fact that most of us are jobless, homeless, broke, going broke, on our last thread and barely hanging on... It's amazing what a little kind word can do to lift the spirits of a person going through a tough time.  Who gives a shit if you don't understand it?  I don't understand a lot of things people go through, but I still am right there to listen and offer a comforting word.  Like those people that keep breaking up and getting back together, wtf is that about?  But I still listen!?  I still ask how they are doing! That's what you gotta do!! 

It's called caring. I am actually amazed and touched by the very few people that have come out of the woodwork to support me and offer a kind word.  But unfortunately it is not my family or closest friends.  But it's good to know that I'm not the only one.  It's just another side effect of Benzo drugs, you lose everything. Including your family and friends. 

But we will go on, without you. And one day, when we finally get our lives back, we will remember.  (Hopefully. That is, if the brain damage isn't too bad) HA!

G'night ya'll

Day 12: Do what the Doctor orders

Day 12

Sunday. Always a lazy day.

Since I have hit the insomnia stage (yippy FN skippy) I 'slept' late, really I just laid in bed til after 10am. And as some of you may know, I take my daily taper dose of the poison that is Klonopin every day around the same time, but I try to wait a hour later every day.

This morning I was home alone, it's kinda cloudy and gloomy outside, it's just a laid back day. I had my coffee and just stayed in bed watching TV for a while.  My medicine time was 11:30am.  Well, lucky me, that time came and went.  Whhhaaaaat??  But I was doing so bad last night!? Yeah, last night was rough as far as withdrawal symptoms, so I figured that this morning would be horrific.  But no. Go figure.  Maybe my body finally got use to the 95%.

Anyhoo... I decided to do a little experiment.  When I told my doctor that I wanted to stop taking this drug (months ago) she told me to go down to half a pill.  Just straight to 50%. You have GOT to be kidding me. But around 1pm today, I started to get a little anxiety, but not too bad. I was getting a little tired and dizzy and all that fun stuff.  So I thought, I will try her 50% plan. So I took half a pill.  I didn't dissolve it in water, I didn't do the taper, I just cut my pill in half.  An hour later, I was feeling pretty good. Considering...   It's amazing how even though I have a headache, I'm dizzy, nauseated and exhausted, that's still feeling good these days.  But my eyes were puffing up again. That is always my first withdrawal symptom. My eyes get SO puffed up it's just gross.

But I decided to roll with it.  Like I've said, I don't WANT to take this medicine, I have to.  But if I can get away without taking as much, bet your ass I'm going to try!!

By 6pm I was still doing pretty good.  I was having withdrawal symptoms, but since it's a lazy day, I handled it.  My chest pain was worse than normal, felt like my heart was pounding out of my chest.  I got confused easily, forgot simple things right after doing them, my mind drifted off in to lala land many times and I had to be brought back to reality. My joints swelled up like an old lady and HURT like a bitch.  My leg went numb a few times, I tripped a few times, my face got hot and red and itchy... Ehh.... no biggie. All normal things. Just the brain damage kicking in, I can handle that.

By 8:30pm I was losing the battle.  Full panic was coming on.  I was sweating, had a hard time looking at lights, the noises from the TV was getting to me, my leg started spontaneously moving around, I just couldn't sit still and started to get scared.  Then my EARS. Oh my god the ears!  I had so much pressure in my ears I seriously thought they were going to burst and bleed. I have never felt that shit before.  It's like they need to pop, but not really.  Oooh it was bad.  That freaked me out, I asked my support group, and can you guess what the answer was? NORMAL!  Figures.  I should have known. It was bad.  But I just kept thinking, 'It's already 8:30! Why can't I just forget it and go to bed?!!'  Oh yeah, I'm in the insomnia stage.  But it's better than the extremely exhausted stage, I guess.  So yada yada yada, I decided to take half of the other half of my pill.  Which means I made it through the day at 75%. Woo hoo!  That last 25% took the edge off just enough for me to be still. But not enough to sleep. Bummer.

Tomorrow I will try to do the 75% again.  50% in the morning, 25% at night. We shall see. But the less you take, the sooner it wears off.  I know I need to pick a percentage and stay there, but I want to get off this shit so bad!!!  I'm normally a patient person, but not with this.  

But I made it through another day. I have good days and bad, I always try to find a silver lining. Day by day.  I'm almost to 2 weeks folks.  That's good.  I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.  

Day 11: "Atlas"

Day 11

Not good. Not good. Not good.  It's really hitting me now.  I'm on my 3rd day holding at 95% and it's BAD. When the drug wears off it's hard to do anything.  I'm scared.  

I cleaned the kitchen today.  Bad idea.  I got dressed and drove 10 minutes away. Bad Idea. I made cookies. Bad idea.

This sucks. It freakin sucks. I took my dose around 11:30 after the withdrawal symptoms were sooo bad that I was ready to give up. By 8pm I was stuttering again, I was dizzy, I was nauseated, I couldn't walk straight.  I had a stiff muscle in the front of my neck, felt like a lump in my throat, but it's a muscle. Well, that muscle hurt like hell. It also made my jaws hurt like hell, then up to my temples, then here comes the migraine.

Oh and lucky me, the insomnia hit me last night. Yay! I knew it was coming, I hear others talking about it every day.  So here I am, at the insomnia stage. Is that a milestone? lol I don't know. Right now, nothing surprises me.  Last night with the lump in my neck and dizziness and migraine, I thought I was having a stroke or something.  I was home alone and scared. But I asked the group, and (shocker) it's normal!  It just blows my mind.  I think if I broke my foot they would say it's normal.  Because EVERYTHING is a normal side effect or withdrawal symptom because of this drug. EV. ER. Y. THING.  

But my silver linings for today....let see...umm.... I'm still here. I'm still going.  I'm getting the word out.  My page views yesterday spiked by over a hundred after my video was shared.  That's a 100 more people that now know a little more.  I am no expert.  I am on day 11. I don't know it all.  Twelve days ago you couldn't have paid me to give up my Klonopin because of my fears and panic disorder. But now I know.  And that's a good thing. That's another silver lining.  I am over my panic disorder.  I haven't had a panic attack in 11 days.  I have felt like I was having one, I have been terrified, but it wasn't a panic attack. I know now that it is just withdrawal symptoms.  

I feel like I can explain everything now.  Everything makes sense now.  If I ever get the energy, I am going to look back and find out how many times I have been to the ER and all the reasons why.  How many times I have been to my doctor, gynecologist, psychiatrist, specialists, chiropractors, physical therapists... all of them over the past 3 years.  Because every time I went, it was for something caused by my increased anxiety and dependence on Klonopin. I know that now.  

A weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  A heavy weight that has been there for 3 years. But it has been replaced by a new one. One that I will be carrying for years and years to come while getting off this drug and even after. The symptoms don't stop.  Even when you are off.  Years after you are off, you will still have side effects. Why?  Because it causes freaking brain damage.  Yeah.  I have brain damage.  I'm sure all my ex boyfriends out there are glad to hear that! Yup.  You boys were right.  I have mood swings, irrational thinking, paranoia, hysteria, agoraphobia... and brain damage. (But hey, some of you were pretty nuts too)

ehh... I doesn't matter now.  I've been going through this, and people have come in and out of my life in the process.  It happens.  And while I am going through this detox and tapering off this drug, people are going to swing in and out of my life. But I know that I have to really focus on myself and healing. And I have to focus on my child and her healing.  All my extra time needs to go to her. She has been the one going through this with me.  Sometimes we cling and depend on the wrong people in our lives, simply because they are the only one around.  

We forget about all the children involved in this.  They have lost their parents. All the sudden mom wants to lay down all day instead of going to the park. They don't know why, just like a lot of people that have never been through this don't know why.  Unless you feel what we feel, you will never know. But I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's harder to get off Klonopin than to stay on, you may not die, but you sure as hell will think you're going to.  Just have to keep going.  Overlook the fears, educate yourself on the risks, listen to your body.  Just keep going. There is nothing else to do.

Day 10: THE LIST. Of course there's a List.

Day 10. In the double digits!

This is bad. Very bad. I don't like it anymore. Last night I was exhausted once the poison of Klonopin wore off, this morning I barely got out of bed.

My body is so sore it feels like I've been hit by a bus.  I am so exhausted I feel like I haven't eaten or had water in days.

My goal today was to get off the couch and to wait until noon to take my poison of the day.  I keep trying to wait an hour later every day, because that means it will be later in the day when the drug wears off.  At some point I would like to make it til bedtime before it wears off.  I don't see that happening. I'm still at 95% my original dose and I'm sticking here for a long time.

Yesterday I made a video blog.  I had taken my shower and my meds so I was somewhat normal.  I shared it with my support group and they wanted to share it on their own timelines. Getting the word out! That's all I want to do.  Nobody told me, so I'm trying to tell as many people as I can. Even if they don't listen.

This morning I made another video.  This time it was at the 24 hour mark.  24 hours after I took my poison yesterday.  My speech was slurred, I couldn't see straight, I was so incredibly weak and nauseated.  I filmed myself at the worst point just so someone could see and hear what happens just 24 hours after a dose of 95% or the original. I have not yet shared that video.  I have watched it several times and it is a little disturbing for me to see.  I cry every time.  My face was red and my eyes were SO puffy, I sounded like I was on drugs, but it was 24 hours after being on drugs.  Just another reason to get off this shit and another reason never to take it.  I'm sure I will share the video with my group, but it's A LOT to make it public. I'm at a tug of war with myself, because that's the point.  I want to get the word out. I can talk and write all I want, but seeing is believing.  

Anyhoo...

I thought today I would make a list.  Instead of going on, as usual, about how shitty I feel.  I've made a list of the side effects, symptoms and withdrawal problems that we all experience.  Down to the smallest thing that makes no sense, but it's a symptom. Whether you are on the Benzo drugs, or getting off, this crap happens. And we all share them.  Here we go... 

Headaches
Migraines/Cluster Migraines
Weight Gain
Dizziness
Nausea
Confusion
Depression
Irrational thinking
Mood Swings
Hormone Changes
Missed Periods in women
Miscarriages in women
Tingling in your head, or "electricity" feeling
Increased Anxiety
Hypochondria
Paranoia
Agoraphobia
Muscle Tension
Joint pain and swelling
Allergic reactions to Antibiotics and other drugs
Allergic and adverse reactions to Alcohol
Food Cravings
Vitamin Deficiencies
Dry Mouth
Tooth Decay
Pain in teeth and gums
Lock Jaw/Jaw Pain
Constipation
Diarrhea
Vomiting
Swollen Eyes
Swollen Lymph Nodes
Lactating in women
Suicidal thoughts
Panic Attacks
Chronic Urinary Tract Infections
Chronic Heartburn
GERD
Dehydration
Hair Loss
Acne
Redness and Burning Skin
Sensitivity to lights
Sensitivity to sounds (even music)
Seizures
Heart Palpitations
Irrational Fears
Extreme Fatigue
Blurred Vision
Vertigo
Feelings of 'lump in throat'
Muscle Spasms
Uncontrollable body movements
Ringing in the ears
Cold Sweats
Hot Flashes
Adverse reaction to birth control and estrogen based products in women
Memory Loss
Decrease in Motor Skills
Hysteria
Lower/Higher Sex drive
Swollen Stomach aka "Benzo Belly"
Arthritis
Stuttering
Sensitivity to caffeine and other stimulants
Sensitivity and adverse reactions to B vitamins (and others)
Rapid Weight Loss
Pressure in Ears

and last but not least...

BENZO DRUG DEPENDENCY OR ADDICTION.

These are just a few.  Really. I'm sure I will add to this list over time. You wanna take this shit? You wanna go out and get some Klonopin or Xanax or Valium?  Wanna go "get a few bars" and party?? Idiots. Blows my mind that the kids do that.  SMH.  

Now I know that some people are on these drugs now, and they need them.  I was there.  I honestly thought Klonpin saved my life when I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I would have never believed it was dangerous. But if you are on it, NOW YOU KNOW.  So don't stay on it.  Don't listen to your doctor that tells you it's a safe drug.  Don't let your doctor give you other drugs to take with it.  Look into Holistics, look into herbal remedies, or at least just look into the drug before you take it. Do your research. Even OTC meds are dangerous. Don't make the same mistake I did. And sooo many others.

If you want to see the first video I posted, here is the link....
Panic with the Benzo : Getting of Klonopin

Now on to another day.

Day 9: Stay Positive. Damn it.

Day number 9 in slow taper Klonopin detox...

So today I took a shower. It's a big deal.  When you are exhausted and afraid to be alone, a shower is pretty scary.  Plus it's just so much damn work! And forget shaving my legs or even drying my hair, screw that nonsense.

A shower.  Something we all take for granted.  I have been afraid of showers since I developed panic, and nothing has changed.  It takes me at least an hour or so to pump myself up to bathe.  Sad, but true.  Sounds gross (and it is) but I don't really remember the last time I had a full shower, washing my hair and everything.  After telling myself that I HAVE to bathe today because I'm gross, it took 3 tries before I could. This has been my life for a while now.  I start the water, get my towel, comb my hair, then say 'screw it' and sit down. I started to panic. The more I thought about getting in there, the more my heart raced.  But I had to do it.
The actual shower process took maybe 10 minutes, but it seemed like an hour.  I just kept thinking, "I just gotta wash my hair", "I just gotta use the soap", "now I just have to dry off".... the longer I was in there the tighter my chest became, the more my heart raced, by the end I was almost in tears and hysterics. I literally ran to get my medicine.  It was 11am.
Yesterday I took my liquid poison at 10am.  It was 97% of my original dose of 1mg of Klonopin. So my goal today (other than the shower) was to wait until at least 10am before I took today's dose. 

Other than all that, today I am feeling exhausted.  I was in bed again all day. I am feeling a little woozy and light headed.  I am feeling weak.  My stomach hurts, A LOT. I'm craving weird foods, but I'm not hungry.  I can tell that my body is in withdrawal mode.  It's worse than yesterday.  I went down to 95% today and I think I will stay here a few days.

My mood is changing, my weight is changing, the way I look is changing.... I almost didn't recognize myself when I got out of the shower. By that point the withdrawals had kicked in so much that I could see and feel the effect it has on my brain. I looked at myself in the mirror with confusion. My eyes are puffy and swollen still, my cheeks are sinking in. I saw my latest tattoo that I got 3 months ago and almost didn't remember getting it. It was like looking at a stranger.  When you are in withdrawal mode, you are more 'drugged up' than when you have actually taken the medicine.  It's like you are on an acid trip.  It really is. The longer you go without your dose, the worse it gets.

This is a horrible drug.  So, so horrible.  But I'm still trying to be in good spirits for the most part. It's still better than before, and it's still better than not doing anything at all to change.

What I have learned so far is to listen to my body.  If something seems wrong, it probably is.  If I'm craving something, I need to eat it.  If I need to rest, I rest.  I have to keep my stress level down and avoid drama.  I have to do what I can, but not overdo anything.  I have to keep going and doing what I can to get this poison out of my body so I can move on with my life. I know it will be years of work ahead, and years of suffering, but I'm getting used to it already.

There are silver linings for today. I took a shower and I waited an hour later than yesterday to take my medicine. That is a good thing.  Hopefully tomorrow I can wait another hour, and maybe get off the couch.

*Here's to happy detox*

Day 8: Just Keep Swimming

And on the 8th Day...

Slept in again today.  A little too much.  I had an interview with a school this morning.  My second appointment, I had to cancel the one earlier this week, so I HAD to get there today.  The appointment was at 10, I didn't get up til 8:30. 

This morning I could feel the withdrawals. I felt the exhaustion again.  Too tired to breathe, too tired to move... been there before, I knew exactly what it was.  But I knew I couldn't screw up and miss this interview so I got my ass in gear and was out the door on time.

Yesterday I took my liquid taper at noon, so I wanted to wait until then to take it again.  But you never know, so I mixed it up and took it with me when I left for the interview.  Good thing too!  

Along with the exhaustion that kept getting worse as the drive to the interview went on, I started to notice my motor skills slowing down.  I was practicing my interview answers in the car and noticed my speech getting slurred.  Great.  I'm going to show up to an interview with slurred speech. And how am I going to explain it? "No, I'm not drunk, I'm just dependent on prescription medication and am going through withdrawals." Yeah, that will work real well in an interview to get in to a medical school program! HA!

So I drank my poison of 97% my original dose at 10am instead of 12pm. Bummer. But it needed to be done. Afterwards, of course I felt pretty good. Not really tired and no more slurred speech. But I knew that it would wear off around 6pm so I would be in trouble.

Weeeellll NO.  It started wearing off around 3pm.  I started getting tired again.  Fatigue! My god, Fatigue!!  Ugh.  It's like having the flu ALL. THE. TIME.  Your body aches and you are exhausted. On a good note (kinda), I've lost 7 pounds since I started tapering!  That's a start after the 30 that I gained after getting on this stupid ass pill.

So I am exhausted, I just lay around like a zombie watching Netfix.  Every once in a while I will drink some gatorade, or a protein shake, maybe eat some soup or yogurt.  I'm just sick.   But again, this is a dream compared to a few days ago. I know it will get worse though.  But it's ok, I'm still optimistic.


I also called the FDA today to report my side effects and withdrawal symptoms from this drug.  The others in my support and recovery group will hopefully do the same.  That's all we can do.  The drug lords are protected, the supreme court ruled that if the FDA approves a drug you cannot go after the big pharma company that makes it.  The end.  So we will go after the FDA.  Turns out, they know all about it already.   They have had many calls about Benzo drugs, but I guess you need a few million people to complain and die before you put warnings out or discontinue the drug.

OH AND! James Sokolove...The Lawyer on TV that has commercials for people that have been injured or died from prescription drugs or medical neglect, "call me to represent you and get you to help and money you deserve" HAHAHA!!! I contacted him a while back.  Yesterday I received a letter from his law firm stating that he couldn't help me with my claim, but I should get a second opinion.  However, he "cares about people" and since he "cares so much, here is a 75% savings card for your next prescription purchase"!! Are you fucking kidding me?  He is just as bad as the drug lords.  He is making money from our pain too!  The more drugs we get, the more money he makes from our suffering. And with that prescription savings card, I will be able to get more drugs for less money!!  What an ass.  Pass that info along. 

But alas, I shall continue on.  I'm exhausted and dizzy, bit nauseated.  But I can handle it for now.  Just gotta keep going. 

*cheers*

Day 7 : Let's Try this Again

Day 7...  

Today I started my new taper off Klonopin plan.  Luckily, I slept late so I didn't have to take my meds early in the morning.  I have learned that it takes 6-8 hours for the medication to wear off and then the withdrawals start. So the sooner I take it, the earlier it wears off, which usually is just in time for me to cook dinner and spend time with my daughter.

Anyhoo.... 
I made my liquid poison before I took it, instead of doing it the night before. That was the first change I made.  Second, instead of dissolving my 1mg pill in 300ml of water, I used 100ml.  Over the past 6 days of tapering I had gotten down to 98% of my original dose, and the side effects were unbearable and frightening.  I didn't understand why it was affecting me so badly and with such intensity.  I figure it must have something to do with the water amount and time the pill spent dissolving in it. I was obviously doing something wrong.

So at noon I took my dose for the  day.  I took out 2ml of the 100ml, which would equal 98% of my dosage.  Let's see if it makes a difference.

It did.

Today has been a good day.  Not a great day, but a better day than yesterday and the day before.  Around 8pm I could tell that it was wearing off.  My eyes started to puff up again and my joints started hurting.  But compared to what has been happening the past few days, this was a peach! Plus, it was later in the evening so I could sit and relax anyway.  So my new plan has worked.  So far, so good.  I worked, I spent time with my daughter, I even laughed a little.  

Tomorrow I take out another milliliter.  I will be down to 97%.  That is one thing about reducing the amount of water, the taper goes faster.  Fast isn't always the best thing.  Right now my plan is to taper every day until I get to 95% and then stay there for a few days.  

Today I am optimistic.  I still feel icky, but I feel like I have a handle on it.  I listened to my body and made adjustments.  Hopefully this will be my ticket out of hell. This place sucks.

Day 6 : What the hell just happened to me??!!!

Day 6. Whatthefuckever.

So last night I think I had a small seizure.  Some say yes, some say no, some say it was the start of one, and then the ones that have been through this say it's just another terrifying withdrawal symptom from the Benzo drug, Klonopin.

My daughter and I were at a restaurant getting take out.  She was putting in her order and all the sudden all I could notice were the lights flashing from the ceiling fans.  The fans were lower than the lights in the ceiling so with every turn of the fan blade the lights flashed. (at least in my eyes) I started squinting, putting my head down, closed my eyes, tried to block the lights. It was like having the poparazzi in your face with a dozen flash bulbs going off. 

The world stopped.  The room started to spin, my head started to spin, I was dizzy, nauseated, I had a rush of tingling and adrenaline to my head, and I was sweating.  I just kept saying, "the lights, the lights".  They were reflecting off every single surface of the restaurant.  Everything else just faded away. All the voices around me were muddled.  I just tried to keep myself standing.  I heard someone say 'turn off the fans', and low and behold a few seconds later I was ok.  Shaken, but ok.

I looked at my daughter and I saw fear in her eyes, and I knew she saw it in mine.  The workers were asking if I needed an ambulance...What the fuck just happened to me!?! That's all I could think. What the fuck just happened.  I have never been so scared. It wasn't a panic attack. I knew that.  It was worse. Much, much worse.

Today I spent the day trying to find out what happened. I left messages with both my physician and my psychiatrist, I asked my Facebook friends (nurses), and I asked my Benzo Recovery and Support group.

The Verdicts?...

No response from my physician. Ever. All day.

My psychiatrist says she's "never heard of such a thing" but she's sure "it has nothing to do with Klonopin withdrawals. Why are you even trying to get off it anyway?"

Facebook friends: two said small seizure, one said perhaps a mini stoke, and one which experience with seizures says it was a seizure coming on.

The Bezo Drug Recovery Support Group: "Been there!"  All normal withdrawal symptoms from Klonopin.  Like, everyone said that.  Some people have been off the drug for years and still can't be around flashing lights. wtf

Either way, no matter what, it's been 6 days and this is happening.  This is too much, too soon.  I am obviously doing something wrong.  I thought  about going to a medical detox center for a 3-5 day detox.  Surrounded by doctors, 24/7, getting the drug out of my system cold turkey.  Then I realized that it takes more that 5 days to get this completely out of your system, and that's when the seizures and BAD things happen. Also, I would basically be in prison. I have to do what they want, when they want and take whatever drugs they throw in my face.  But the kicker was, when I called (just to get information) I told them my story and I was then treated like a common drug addict you find living on the street.  Seriously!? After hearing my story and being told that I am choosing to get off this drug that my doctor gave me, I was asked "What is your drug of choice", "when was the last time you used", "how do you abuse this drug", "who is your supplier".  

Are you fucking kidding me?

SO!  New plan.  Starting tomorrow, I am starting over.  I have been doing a liquid taper, dissolving my 1mg Klonopin in 300ml of water and taking out 1ml a day.  It's day 6 and I am down to 5ml out and that equals .02mg taken from my 1mg dose.  I shouldn't be having such terrible symptoms. I figure that somehow I am not getting the poison (aka Klonopin) that my body needs.  It's getting lost somewhere in that water.  

So tomorrow, I'm going to start with 100ml of water and take out 2ml, which will equal the same .02% that I am taking out now.  I will see if there is a difference in how I feel.  Hopefully with less water, I will be able to get all the remaining Klonopin and not have such horrible side effects. We shall see!

Here's to happy thoughts and positive thinking! So long Debbie Downer. 

Day 5: Just call me Debbie Downer

The Fifth Day...

I had a bit of a breakdown today.  Well, a lotta bit of a breakdown.  I tried to wait as long as I could again before drinking my jar of poison that is Klonopin in water.  But I didn't make it long.  I am taking 98% of my original dose and already the withdrawal symptoms are frightening.  I think that before I started tapering off,  my body was already too tolerant of the drug.  I had withdrawals symptoms then, I just didn't know what they were.  

This morning was pretty intense. I basically went into hysterics.  I was crying, drooling, screaming....I was nuts, plain and simple.  The headaches, pain all over, blurred vision and eye pain, chest pains, breathing problems, cramps, swellings...it's just too much for so soon and SO little off my dose.  Then there are all the other side effects that could happen that stay in the back of my mind, and the fact that this is going to be my daily life for a long time.

This morning I was ready to give up.  This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I have a LONG way to go.  But I'm not the only one.  So many people are going through this and we all are doing it on our own.  We can't rely on doctors or psychiatrists, they are now our enemy.  All they want to do is get us hooked on another drug to "help us".  We are all alone.  The support group is all I have, and thank the goodness for them. They are the only ones that understand what it feels like.  I'm sure of the people reading this, if you haven't experienced this, you think i am a big whiner.  Well you just go right ahead and think that.  YOU HAVE NO IDEA.  

My anger is back.  I have appointments with my counselor and the woman that gave me the drug in the first place and I want to cancel them.  My counselor didn't give me the drug, but I really just don't want to tell him about this.  I don't know why, I guess because he is associated with all of it and he didn't tell me about this either.  He may not have even known. To me, if feels like they tricked me.  They lied to me.  They betrayed me. 

Right now I am wondering how I'm going to get through today.  And tomorrow. I have an interview in the morning for a class that I have been trying to get into for months.  It is the final stage before I find out if I get in.  But I'm worried.  How the hell am I going to be able to go to an interview like this? And then, if I get in, how am I going to be able to go to school like this?  I can't even remember if I peed this morning, how am I going to remember shit I learn in school?  But I cannot sacrifice my future and ruin YET ANOTHER opportunity because of this fucking drug and the effects it's having on me.  

Depression is also hitting.  Side effects are there, and there are too many to even name.  I just feel so lost.  I have the support online, but here at home, sitting by myself is frightening.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am so sick and tired of being in bed. And that is where I have been for a long time. Even before the tapering off.  Which again, makes me realize that I was tolerant and needed more dosage then.  

It's so unfair.  I know that no one put a gun to my head and forced me to start taking this pill, and no one is forcing me to stop either. But I look back and think about how much money my doctor has made since I've been on this drug and it's unbelievable.  You can make a lot of money off a hypochondriac. Especially if you are giving the drug that causes them to be that way.  It's all about the money for them. Meanwhile, people on this drug, myself included, have lost their jobs or had to reduce the hours they work because of the effects.  For those of you that don't know and haven't been on this drug, I know this sounds like a cop out and that we are all just lazy.  Again, don't judge.  Before this drug, I was a badass, hardworking, independent girl.  I worked the same job for almost 5 years, then I went to school and got a new job working full time in the medical field.  Didn't take long for me to lose that job after the panic and Klonopin set in.  Since then, I have lost count of the jobs I have had.  Some I would be there a year, some for a week.  I would get fired for having to leave to go to the ER, or because I had to miss work for doctor visits, counseling and psychiatry. Then there are the jobs that I would just leave.  I just wouldn't come anymore.  I would disappear and tell no one. I don't know why, it just happened.  This too, is normal behavior for everyone that has been on a Benzo drug. 

I know I am responsible for my own actions, past and present.  But it is a FACT that this drug causes brain damage. While taking it, and while getting off it. I have lost so much because of this and I can't let it go.  I HAVE to keep taking it every day knowing what it is doing to me.  Imagine if someone gave you something with a skull and crossbones on it and told you to drink it in order to live. "Whaaat?" yeah. I know it's poison, but if I just put it down I could die.  

When I was younger, I always thought I would die young.  Mostly because I just couldn't see myself as an old lady.  Most people were like that when they were younger.  But now, I am so scared that it may actually be true.  I think this could kill me. I really do. And so many others think the same. And it's possible. It really could happen, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I have to just keep going. Drinking my poison everyday, tapering off 1ml at a time. For the next year at least.

PLEASE. Do research, get help, and get off of Benzo drugs.

Day 4: "What's going on is that you just drank a cup of poison!"

Day 4. Mother's Day. 

Woke up with heart palpitations and some anxiety, nausea and stiff muscles. By the time I had made my coffee and fed all my pets I was seeing double. Like being drunk, but without the fun.  So today I drank my little jar of water (klonopin pill disoved in water) at 8:30am.  Couldn't make it til 5 today. bluh.

After I drank the cup of poison that I HAVE to take unless I want to have a seizure...I felt better.  Shocker. But I'm still not 'normal'.  I laid in bed for hours.  I'm like a zombie.  Well, maybe not, zombies move and eat stuff, I just lay here.  I can feel the drug in me.  I feel more relaxed, my muscles aren't as sore, I can see straight.  Some say, 'why get off then?'.  WELL. Because since I've been on it there have been more symptoms than I ever realized.  Memory loss, for instance.  I have zero memory of so many things that have happened.  In fact, just writing this blog, I will read it and immediately forget so I read it again.  Everything is like a deja vu.  Because I've done it, I just forgot.  These are all perfectly normal symptoms and side effects.  It happens to soo many of us.

By noon had had been crying off and on for hours.  I don't know why, I would just start crying out of no where. By 2pm I was so tired I didn't think I could walk, but I did.  I had to go to the grocery store to get food for the family.  I really didn't think I was going to make it.  I gave my 13 year old the drill on what to do and who to call if I passed out or had a seizure in the store. But I made it.

By 4:30pm I was so tired that I could barely move and breathe.  All I could do was lay in bed.  Next thing I know I'm drooling and twitching, but I was awake.  I rolled over and thought I was going to vomit.  The blood in my veins felt like sludge.  To thick to move through.  My head aches, my body aches.  I start to cry again.  I told my support group what was happening, and of course, this is all normal.  On day four, liquid taper, 4ml out of 300ml. I did the math, that equals .02% taken out of my original dose.  I am taking 98% of 1mg and this is how I feel. This is insanity.  I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I can't think straight, I can't see straight.  I don't understand people. And when I talk it feels like my tongue can't keep up with my brain.  But it's all fucking normal.  No need to worry.  

Right now, I don't think I can do this.  I didn't think it would be like this, not this early.  I don't think I will be taking anymore out of my liquid taper tomorrow, I cannot deal with this again or have it worse.  How am I going to work? How am I going to drive? To take care of my daughter, my house, my pets, myself?  I have never been through anything like this in my life. It's worse than my panic disorder.  And there's nothing I can do about it but keep going.  I have to.  I HAVE to keep going.  I HAVE to get this out of me and out of my head. I HAVE to get back to the person I once was before all this started 3 years ago. Whoever that may be. I hope I can find that person again and live a happy life.  An active life.  I hope I can make up for the time I have lost with my child.  She has suffered right along with me.  I told her this would be the worst thing, but this will be the LAST thing.  I have to do this for her.  She needs her life back too. 

PLEASE, for your sake and the people around you, don't start taking them.  Get off them as soon as you can.

Day Three : Scruffy Looking Nerf Herder

Day 3 of tapering off 1mg of Klonopin

Lets see... withdrawal symptoms for today....

Headache (still. it's constant), my shoulders and back are sore, I think I have a UTI, all the joints on my right side keep throbbing and swelling (i don't know what thats all about), OH AND, my face feels like it's on fire and my eyes are swollen! Rocknroll dill holes.  This is Day Three.

I'm not as grumpy as I was yesterday, so that is definitely a plus.  And I'm not as tired as I was yesterday either.  But I look and feel like a monster.  My face and neck have broken out, my skin is red and irritated, I'm so oily that I feel like freaking wax paper, and my eyes are so swollen that it looks like I'm either an alcoholic or suffering from severe allergies.  
Today I'm just bluh.  I've been in bed most of the day, I haven't bathed, (and don't plan on it), I'm still in my pjs at 9pm, and I really just don't give a fuck about much right now.

I might be starting to go through depression.  I've heard that it's coming.  I'm ready. Bring it.  But the skin thing is getting to me a bit.  My face feels burnt. Literally. Like I'm sun burnt.  And my shoulders and arms itch.  Then there are my joints.  My knee keeps swelling if i leave it bent too long. At one point today my whole leg went numb, that freaked me right the fuck out.

Yes, I realize that all these things (except maybe the skin stuff) are normal everyday problems with most people in the world.  Probably 3/4 of the public have muscle aches and back pain, swollen joints, headaches... but not me!! These just popped up all the sudden.  So really the only reason for them is withdrawal.  I am still having the blurred vision and all around foggy feeling. But again, I just don't care today.  I haven't done shit around the house.  I was suppose to have a date tonight and I don't want to go just because I don't want to have to bathe! Seriously. Who would have thought that simply bathing would be an exhausting chore that I don't want to do.  I would rather sit in filth. Gross. But I really don't care! 

I'm on day 3, and having lots of symptoms. And my dose hasn't been cut that much. I have new fears now.  I used to fear having a heart attack, having cancer, being alone, high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, thyroid problems, hormone problems..the list went on and on.  But all those fears were irrational for a 33 year old HEALTHY person that has been tested for all these things.  Now, my fears are legitimate.  I really could die from this shit. FACT.  If you quit cold turkey from this medication, you will have seizures, go into a coma and possibly die.  You WILL have seizures if you quit cold turkey and you have been on it for a long period of time.  Which is ironic because this drug was made to help people with epilepsy! But I am not quitting cold turkey, I am tapering off slowly.  It is still scary, though.  These withdrawals and side effects are scary!  

I looked at myself in the mirror today and I didn't recognize myself. I look like a strung out meth head (no offense to the meth heads, but ya know).  My skin that was once fabulous is now blotchy, red and broken out.  My hair is oily. Like REALLY oily.  I look like a 50s guy with a leather jacket and a comb in his pocket. And yes, I know I haven't bathed today, but this is weird.  Like I said, this may be normal every day stuff for most people, but not me.  

SO once again, if you are on any type of antidepressant, or anti anxiety medication, GET OFF NOW. But I do understand that some people really need it.  When my panic disorder started and I was having severe attacks twice a day, I needed some medication to help because nothing else would.  But not now.  Just try going without your meds for ONE day, maybe two, and see how you feel.  If you feel sick, it's time to get off them.  You are more sick and unhealthy WITH the pills than without them.

On to day FOUR. I'm bringing back the Force.

Day TWO: "...You knew it was dangerous, but you let the people go swimming anyway!"

Day TWO.

I found out today that Klonopin is not 'recommended' for use more than 2 weeks, yet I've been on it for 3 years.  Some people have been on it for 20.
Fuck this shit.  I want to grab the mother fucker that invented Klonopin and punch him in his throat. Strap him up, throw him on his pile of money and set it on fire. Along with my fucking doctor and psychiatrist that keep giving me the shit.  Mood swings?  FUCK YEAH I got mood swings.  I'm on day two coming off this shit.  I have only cut my dosage by 20%.  This is fucked up.

I woke up this morning more exhausted than I ever have been in my entire life.  I couldn't get out of bed. I was too tired to breathe. Yes, so tired that it hurt to breathe. I waited as long as I could and then took half my dosage for the day.  I only took half because last night I started feeling worse and worse as the drug wore off, so I saved the second half of today's dosage for later. First dose was at 9am, second was at 4pm.  

Right now, I am tired again.  I am super grumpy to the point where I want to growl at people.  I have been having blurred vision, tingling in my head, stiff muscles, swollen joints (knees mostly), and nausea.  My head just feels like its in a fog. Like everything is in slow motion. Oh yeah, and then there's the headache. But that is constant.  

I still have not taken anything to help with the withdrawal symptoms because I do not want to put ANYTHING in my body.  Everything is poison.

All I want to do is lay in bed, which is what I have been doing mostly.  Thank god I didn't have to work today. Or tomorrow.  With my job, I have to keep a level head and something tells me that I'm going to be losing yet ANOTHER job because of this shit.  Only this time, it's not because of my panic attacks, it's because I'm a fucking drug dependent mother fucker that had no say in the matter.  I didnt' go out and by crack by choice and become addicted and dependent, I don't use drugs.  But then again, apparently I do!!  I am dependent on this shit because of those pharmaceutical fuckers that want to make money.  I am so angry.  

No, I'm not going to go hunt anyone down or hurt anyone or myself.  I'm just going to sit in my little room and deal with this shit.  It's just another side effect and withdrawal symptom.  Mother fuckers.

Please folks, if anyone is reading this, don't take these drugs.  Klonopin, Xanax, Valium... all those.  Stay away from them.  It's not worth it, man.  Not worth it.  Everyone in the support group tapering off this shit wants to die and feels like they are going to.  One person quit cold turkey and next thing you know she woke up in a hospital because she had a seizure.  She had been taking the same dose as me. ONE milligram.  And she hadn't even been on it that long.

I know this post today is pretty nasty, but that's what it's all about.  I'm just sharing how I feel.  Normally, I'm a pretty happy and nice person.  At least I think I am.  I don't know who I am anymore. I've been a Klonopin drone for 3 years.  It has eaten away at my brain and organs like a damn zombie and I have been left to rot. Fucking pharmaceutical big wigs. Bet they're all in a hot tub out in the snowy mountains smoking cigars and laughing.  They are criminals.  Every one of them. 

Alright, that's it for today. I'm just too damn grumpy.  But I'm still going to do this shit.  Tomorrow I go down again.  As long as I can take it, I'm going to keep going down slowly every day.  

I WILL DO THIS.

Day One: The Force is NOT with me

Day ONE of my new slow taper off of the horrid drug, Klonopin. One freaking milligram of the shit.  Been on it for 3 years. Here we go....

I got on Facebook and went to the Benzo Recovery group that showed me how to do this taper. I watched the video and I got advice from the group.  My taper off plan includes taking 300 milliliters of water in a jar, add my 1mg Klonopin pill, let it dissolve and then with a syringe take out 1 milliliter of the water a day.  It's a "10% Taper" and should take me about 10 months at least to get off completely. That is, if I can handle it.  The rule of thumb is, if the withdrawal symptoms get too much to handle you don't take out anymore water until your body gets used to it.  Whatever.
But here we are, day one of tapering.  1 ml of water out of 300ml, that isn't much at all.  I don't even know how to calculate that.  Seems like taking nothing away from the 1mg pill.  
I WAS WRONG.

Just having that tiny little amount gone, I am dizzy.  I am light headed.  I have blurred vision.  I am angry.  I am having mood swings.  My skin is oily.  I am constipated.  I am not a happy camper.  

I got on Facebook and told the support group what's happening.... they say it's normal!! They have all been through it, some through worse!  How is this drug legal?  I wish I could go to a rehab center, but I know they would just give me other drugs to help with the symptoms. But now, I don't want to take anything at all. I've had cramps and a headache all day, but I wont even take a Tylenol. I'm done with pills. My house looks like a drug dealers' as it is.  Since I have been on Klonopin, I have acquired countless prescriptions for all my random illnesses.  However, I also have developed a sudden 'allergic reaction' to most of them.  Even the simple antibiotic drugs that I took years ago suddenly make me break out in hives and have chest pains.  But I keep all the bottles! Yeah, I keep all the pills because you never know! I am a hypochondriac.  I save them for an emergency. But, like I said, I'm done with pills. They are all evil.  I don't like prescriptions, I don't like doctors, I don't like pharmacists.  I am angry.  That sums it up.  I feel like shit, and I am angry.

But I'm not giving up!  I will do my little jar again tonight and take out 2ml for tomorrows dose.  I WILL get off this shit and get my life back.  

On a good note! After three years of suffering from panic attacks and anxiety and fear and random feelings of doom and unrest and confusion of WHY my disorder would not go away...  I have now realized that I do not have panic disorder anymore! I have an addiction! Why am I happy about this?  My feelings are not anxiety related, they are withdrawals from a god forsaken pill that has betrayed me.  Every time I have had chest pains, I took a pill because I thought I was having a panic attack.  Every time I got a migraine and panicked because I thought it was a tumor, I took a pill.  Every time my stomach hurt and I thought I had a tapeworm or cancer or an ulcer, I panicked and took a pill. Every time I had a rush of adrenaline for no reason, I panicked and took a pill. I know now that all these things, and SOOO many more, are not symptoms of my anxiety.  THEY ARE SYMPTOMS OF WITHDRAWAL FROM KLONOPIN.  Klonopin basically gives you panic disorder. Withdrawal causes everything from increased anxiety and headaches, to freaking vertigo, seizures, paranoia and blurred vision.  And I'm not talking withdrawal after a few days, I'm talking after a few hours.  I took a pill every day because I thought I was having a panic attack.  I didn't WANT to take the pill, in fact, after 3 years I have been trying to stop taking them! But I kept having what I thought were panic attacks.  I would get up in the morning and wait as long as I could before I took a pill.  Some days I went til 5 in the afternoon, others I couldn't make it til noon.  The point is, all these feelings were my body begging for the drug.  Not me.  My body.

I trusted this pill. I trusted the doctors that gave it to me!  It's the only thing that got me through the past 3 years. And now I find out that it is what has kept me down?  It's like finding out you've been cheated on and all your friends knew but didn't tell you.  I am so angry.  Maybe it's a mood swing.  I can sit and watch TV and just burst out crying for no reason too. All perfectly normal symptoms of not have my FULL dose of klonopin.  Take 1ml of water out of 300ml caused all this in one day. Fuck that.

I'm going to get this shit out of my life.

My Wake up Call: Drugs are bad, mmmkay

May 7, 2014

After suffering from a stomach bug for three days, I was not able to take any medications other than the occasional Zofran for nausea.  Which means, I was unable to take my usual 1mg of Clonazapam (Klonopin) once a day, even though I didn't feel that I needed it anyway.  I only take my Clonazapam, or 'chill pill', when I feel a panic or anxiety attack coming on.  I have had panic disorder, PTSD and severe anxiety for 3 years and counting, and have been prescribed Clonazapam for my treatment.  Over the past three years, I have seen countless doctors, psychiatrists, nurses...and been the ER more times than I would like to recall.  I would, or will, go to the ER at least once a month, every month, for 3 years.  Let me tell ya, they love me over there!  The reason I have been to the ER and seen so many doctors over the past three years is because I am CONVINCED that there is something wrong with me.  Yes, I have panic disorder, but I believe there is something else.  I mean, there has to be! Cancer, a tumor, diabetes, thyroid problem, hormonal changes, blood disorder, a disease....something!! Why else would I still be have crippling panic attacks and feeling this way after 3 years of medication and therapy?

So back to the stomach bug....
On Sunday, May 4, 2014 I woke up sick.  I was vomiting more violently than I ever have in my life.  It was horrible. So of course, I called an ambulance and went to the ER.  While there, they tell me I have a super nasty stomach bug that has been going around and all I can do is wait it out.  Great. So they pump me full of meds and 2 liters of fluid and send me on my way.
The next day, I actually felt better!  I mean, they filled my body with 'the good stuff', so of course I felt better! I was able to eat and drink and keep it down. Yay! I was cured! I can go back to my lousy 20 hour a week job! (due to the panic and what not, I had to stop working full time to make room for all the doctor and therapy visits I have to make in order to stay on my medication and get better) Anyhoo...

So I wake up the next day, and I felt worse.  Hmm.... I was nauseated, dizzy, depressed, light headed and confused. Not to mention so incredibly tired that I couldn't get out of bed.  Why was I sick again??  After half a day in bed, I started to 'panic'.  I was convinced it was more than the stomach bug.  Something was seriously wrong.  So I took my clonazapam so I wouldn't have a panic attack. Then I started to cry.  I sat alone on my bed talking to no one, begging for help.  Begging for my life back.  "I am so tired of being sick all the time", I said.  "Please take this away and help me! I want my life back!"  What do you know, 20 minutes later, my pill kicked in and I calmed down.  No more panic.  
However! I also suddenly felt better.  I wasn't nauseated.  I wasn't dizzy.  I wasn't depressed or light headed. I wasn't even tired anymore.  BOOM.  That was the first time I had taken my pill in 3 days.  Could it be that all the sickness I was feeling was because I had not taken my pill? Surely not. That pill was my life saver, my chill pill, the one thing that got me through so many panic attacks over the past 3 years. Nah... couldn't be.

So I got online.  I started researching.  Turns out, after all the doctors, all the hospitals, all the psychiatrists, therapists, prescriptions, counseling, hypnosis, meditation, aromatherapy, messages, chiropractors.... YOU NAME IT .... turns out that all this time it has been my medication that made me sick.  The one pill I trusted to help me.  The one pill I wouldn't give up, had been poisoning me from the inside out.  
I found a support group on Facebook, I found forum after forum and blog after blog of people having the same problems as me.  My pill caused me to have anxiety.  My pill caused me to be paranoid.  My pill caused me to be a hypochondriac.  My pill caused me to have mood swings and black outs and memory problems and cramps and ovarian cysts and blurred vision and vertigo and weight gain and rotting teeth and acne and hair loss and depression and every other symptom that took me to the ER freaking out or getting a test done to find out the cause!!  What the fuck, man! IT'S 1mg OF CLONAZAPAM A DAY.  That's all.

The groups I found on Facebook had lots of resources, articles and information on the drug I take and others like it. It is a "benzo"something or other.  It also had a video to show me how to taper off slowly using water instead of just cutting my pill in half.  It also discussed all the side effects and dangers of quitting these benzo medications cold turkey. I knew then and there that I have to get off this shit ASAP.  I finally realized, it's been 3 years. I no longer have panic disorder or PTSD, I have an addiction to my prescription medication. I can give it up, but my body can't.

I have started this blog to keep track of my daily reactions to getting off of this medication that I believe has ruined my life. It's going to be a long road, but I have to do it. 

The Force is strong with this one.