It is day 50. That's a long ass time.
So yeah, I am again not feeling all that great and haven't written in a while. I have hit a wall in my taper from Klonopin and it is super duper hard to keep going and keep a fucking smile on my face.
The worst part of all this is the 'non-believers'. People that think I am just making all this shit up for funzies. That blows my damn mind. And it hurts like a bitch. What kind of person would do that? What exactly is it that I have to gain from "pretending" to not be able to walk and talk at times? Or not being able to read and write properly? Or not being able to understand or hear things? Or not being able to get out of bed? What do I have to gain? And why would I "pretend" to do it 24/7, even when I'm alone all day? How does a person do that? And why? I mean, really. What do I have to gain from pretending to have these symptoms? I'm not going to get famous by my videos, I don't want to. If that was my plan, I probably would have put a little make up on first, or even bathed. I do my videos for YOU. Yes, YOU. So you people will know what it's really like to go through this. Words don't help. You need to see.
So far, what I have gained from going through this for 50 days is..... nothing. Except an insight to mental and physical disabilities.
I've lost my health
I've lost my strength
I've lost friends
I've lost family
I've lost my savings
I've lost my fucking mind
I'm about to lose my job
I'm about to lose my ability to drive a car
I can't go to the fucking grocery store because I cannot walk that far
I have to use a fucking granny cane to get around
I am stared at constantly every where I go
I can't enjoy the summer with my daughter
I can't go out with friends
I can't dance anymore
I can't cook a full meal
I can't take a fucking shower
I haven't shaved my legs for 50 days. Yup. That's the least of my worries
I can't eat a full meal...
I can't get people to understand what this is, and what I'm going through. I am constantly judged and even laughed at for what I look like and how I have to get around. Yet, all I can do is shut the fuck up, keep a god damn smile on my face and keep going. Keep going through hell so I can come out clean on the other side.
If I break down, my world breaks down with me. It's already crumbling. If I can't laugh at myself when I walk like a fucking zombie, my child will see, and be scared shitless and she will go down. If I can't stay calm and blow all these symptoms off as though it's "Just another day in Benzo Land", my daughter will be terrified and depressed and just as angry at the world as I am inside.
I have to keep my wits about me for my daughters sake, and mine. I have to keep my happy mask on, when in reality I am crying like a sick baby inside and scared for my life.
Right now, I have to put on my war face. I have to stand up, (with my cane), and keep climbing this mountain all by myself and knock all the fuckers who don't believe me down. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with these people. I cannot be brought down anymore that I am.
Every day is a battle beyond belief, unless you have lived it. PEOPLE DON'T KNOW. Doctors don't know. I am in a constant battle to get people to believe me and get validation from anyone. For instance, last night my doctor told me to go to the ER for a CT scan to make sure I had not had a stroke. (all part of withdrawals) The doctors at the ER had no idea what I was talking about when I said, "I'm in Benzo Withdrawal". They couldn't wrap their dumbass heads around it. Until finally, a new nurse was sent to my room. The nurse said, "I decided to switch with the other guy because I know about Benzodiazepine Withdrawals." I could not have been more relieved. He knew. Finally! Someone already knew without me having to explain it to them. Then he said, "Out of all the medicines a person can be on for the rest of their life, Benzodiazepines are the worst. If you ever try to get off of them they are more difficult to recover from than ANY OTHER DRUG." THANK YOU! Finally! "They are more difficult to recover from than any other drug". It's the damn truth. And finally, a real person around here knew it.
ugh.
Alright. Calming down. I'm grumpy today. In case you can't tell. It's all part of it. I am just so damn tired. The truth of it is, my own fucking mother doesn't believe me. And that is weighing hard on my emotions right now. She came in and saw me with a cane and almost started laughing at me. 'Snickered with a grin', would be the right description. Out of everything that went down last night, I kept thinking to myself, 'this can't be happening, it can't be right, I must be imagining it with my benzo brain'. Nope. Unfortunately, I had a witness to it all. My daughter. When it was all said and done, my daughter said to me through tears, "I don't know what just happened, but I get it now". I asked her, "what just happened? am I crazy or did my mother really just say all that and was she really being that mean?"
"Yes. I saw it." she said.
Another validation. It's hard. It's really hard. For once, I had someone see it, hear it, and understand. I know my daughter, and I told her to please tell me the truth about what she heard and saw. I told her not to 'take my side' just because I'm her mom. I told her that I really needed to know if it was all real, because it was pretty bad. My 13 year old agreed. She saw the side that I've seen. My daughter was angry and hurt as well. My daughter is the only one that has seen me go through this every step of the way. She keeps me smiling. She's my reason to keep going. I feel so scared and alone but I always have her. I have to keep it all inside, I can't have her knowing the pain I'm in physically and emotionally. She doesn't need the added stress either.
Anyhoo...
I'm not going to keep on with all that nonsense. But here are some links to the latest videos I've posted showing my 'condition' with Benzo Withdrawal. Get the hell off anti-anxiety meds, ya'll.
June 24, 2014 Walking: Day 2 Holding dose at .25mg
June 25, 2014 When the dose wears off, 12 hours later
June 25, 2014 BAD WALK Day 3 of Holding .25mg dose
June 26, 2014 DAILY TASK. PAYING A BILL WITH BENZO BRAIN
Friday, June 27, 2014
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Day 44: Little Note from The Coo Coo's Nest
Day 44.
I haven't written here in a while. I feel pretty lousy, and I don't think I will be getting better any time soon. My brain is a hot mess of thoughts going from anger to confusion, crying to laughing and then straight up inability to speak. So instead of trying to type a long post, I'm just going to copy and paste from my Facebook wall, of some things that have happened since we last spoke.
June 18.
I was just offered the best job, at the best facility, with the best rate of pay ever and I had to turn it down
June 19.
I'm following in the footsteps of others going through Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome by posting this, it is my final plea for those of you that are still in my life. This is information you need to know about the person I am today...
I am not the same person that I was when we met. I'm not the same person I was when you last saw me. I'm not the same person I was the last time you spoke to me. That may be two days ago, two weeks ago, or two years ago. I'm going through a transition, and I honestly do not know when or what the outcome will be. There are days when I cannot understand simple instructions, I cannot understand people when they speak to me, I cannot put simple words together to make a sentence. There are days when I cannot walk without my legs shaking and almost knocking me over. There are days when I cannot eat. On most days I do not sleep. I cannot recognize my own hand in front of me. Pictures on my wall seem to move with a breeze that's not there. Loud noises, telephone rings, my dog barking, my cat's meow in the middle of the night, all these simple sounds put me in a tailspin of psychosis that I cannot understand or explain. My emotions run high and low, I'm more sensitive on some days, and on others I don't care about anything. Every single day for me is a battle to survive. A battle to eat, sleep, keep up with basic personal hygiene and small tasks. I cannot remember the last time I cooked a real meal. I cannot remember the last time I took a shower instead of a shallow bath. I cannot remember the last time I was able to drive my car for more than 20 minutes. I cannot remember the last time I was able to turn up the volume when my favorite song came on the radio. I may look healthy and normal on the outside, but believe me, inside is much different. Some days I can pass for normal, but most days I can't get out of bed. But here are some things that I know, and some things most of you do not know, about me.
I am not mentally ill. I am not a basket case. I am not crazy. I am not seeking attention. I am not a hypochondriac. I am not someone to be afraid of. I am not a drug addict. I am not lazy. I am not a liar. And I am certainly not full of shit and making everything up. For those of you that have completely ignored or disbelieved what I'm going through, please dismiss yourself from my life. I do not need any added stress or insult to injury. I am trying to heal. If you choose to not research benzo withdrawal syndrome, if you choose to not look at a single link that I have posted for you to educate yourself, if you choose to live in your world and judge me, then again please dismiss yourself from my life. It is extremely difficult for me to stay strong and stay positive while feeling the way that I do, and while trying to accept the changes that my body is going through. I have become disabled. I realized that the way I walk, the way I speak, and the way I handle things is a lot like the people I have taken care of in my line of work. These symptoms of withdrawal are not a choice. It is my choice to endure them so I can be healthy once again. If I was an addict I would continue to put poison into my body daily as the doctors have told me to do, just in order to not go through this. I am choosing to do this. It is my choice and I'm sticking by it. You cannot take the symptoms away, but if you want to help me, all you have to do is believe me. Believe the millions of others across the world that are going through the same thing. Join a group, do some research, it is not difficult. I'm tired of trying to explain myself, I'm tired of people thinking I'm crazy or that I'm exaggerating what I'm going through. There is only one person on this earth right now that has seen firsthand what I am personally going through, and if you are not that person then you don't know. I have lost many friends due to this drug, it won't make a difference if I lose more. Please add yourself to the list if you are not supportive and if you do not believe me. The added stress of people talking behind my back does not help me and you are not wanted in my life. I'm doing everything I can to survive. It would be so much easier if I kept taking this pill, it would be so much easier if I filed for disability and never worked again, it would be so much easier if I went to the doctor and got put on another drug to help relieve my withdrawal symptoms. But I will not do that. I post something almost every day about what I'm going through, not to seek attention, but to educate you on the dangers of Benzo drugs. No one told me about it, and I'm spending my time trying to warn all of you. The only people I want in my life are positive and supportive people. I am not asking anyone to hold my hand or to take care of me, I am asking you to believe me. I am asking you to read ONE article about what I'm going through. I am asking you to stop judging me. Just leave me be and let me heal without negativity. If you cannot do that, please dismiss yourself from my life. I am not writing this while angry, I'm not writing this to any specific person, I am writing this for everyone that is living in denial or ignorance about what this drug has done to me and millions of others. Educate yourself before you judge anyone.
June 20.
My original dose of 1mg Klonopin and the dose I tapered down to, .25mg. It's amazing what happens to me if I don't take that little crumb of .25mg
June 20.
Short video on what happens when I don't take my .25mg dose
Get off this shit, ya'll. I am seeing way to many similarities between myself and my patients. I took care of people that are developmentally disabled, have brain injuries, and elderly patients with dementia. It rots your brains on a level that is criminal.
I haven't written here in a while. I feel pretty lousy, and I don't think I will be getting better any time soon. My brain is a hot mess of thoughts going from anger to confusion, crying to laughing and then straight up inability to speak. So instead of trying to type a long post, I'm just going to copy and paste from my Facebook wall, of some things that have happened since we last spoke.
June 18.
I was just offered the best job, at the best facility, with the best rate of pay ever and I had to turn it down
June 19.
I'm following in the footsteps of others going through Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome by posting this, it is my final plea for those of you that are still in my life. This is information you need to know about the person I am today...
I am not the same person that I was when we met. I'm not the same person I was when you last saw me. I'm not the same person I was the last time you spoke to me. That may be two days ago, two weeks ago, or two years ago. I'm going through a transition, and I honestly do not know when or what the outcome will be. There are days when I cannot understand simple instructions, I cannot understand people when they speak to me, I cannot put simple words together to make a sentence. There are days when I cannot walk without my legs shaking and almost knocking me over. There are days when I cannot eat. On most days I do not sleep. I cannot recognize my own hand in front of me. Pictures on my wall seem to move with a breeze that's not there. Loud noises, telephone rings, my dog barking, my cat's meow in the middle of the night, all these simple sounds put me in a tailspin of psychosis that I cannot understand or explain. My emotions run high and low, I'm more sensitive on some days, and on others I don't care about anything. Every single day for me is a battle to survive. A battle to eat, sleep, keep up with basic personal hygiene and small tasks. I cannot remember the last time I cooked a real meal. I cannot remember the last time I took a shower instead of a shallow bath. I cannot remember the last time I was able to drive my car for more than 20 minutes. I cannot remember the last time I was able to turn up the volume when my favorite song came on the radio. I may look healthy and normal on the outside, but believe me, inside is much different. Some days I can pass for normal, but most days I can't get out of bed. But here are some things that I know, and some things most of you do not know, about me.
I am not mentally ill. I am not a basket case. I am not crazy. I am not seeking attention. I am not a hypochondriac. I am not someone to be afraid of. I am not a drug addict. I am not lazy. I am not a liar. And I am certainly not full of shit and making everything up. For those of you that have completely ignored or disbelieved what I'm going through, please dismiss yourself from my life. I do not need any added stress or insult to injury. I am trying to heal. If you choose to not research benzo withdrawal syndrome, if you choose to not look at a single link that I have posted for you to educate yourself, if you choose to live in your world and judge me, then again please dismiss yourself from my life. It is extremely difficult for me to stay strong and stay positive while feeling the way that I do, and while trying to accept the changes that my body is going through. I have become disabled. I realized that the way I walk, the way I speak, and the way I handle things is a lot like the people I have taken care of in my line of work. These symptoms of withdrawal are not a choice. It is my choice to endure them so I can be healthy once again. If I was an addict I would continue to put poison into my body daily as the doctors have told me to do, just in order to not go through this. I am choosing to do this. It is my choice and I'm sticking by it. You cannot take the symptoms away, but if you want to help me, all you have to do is believe me. Believe the millions of others across the world that are going through the same thing. Join a group, do some research, it is not difficult. I'm tired of trying to explain myself, I'm tired of people thinking I'm crazy or that I'm exaggerating what I'm going through. There is only one person on this earth right now that has seen firsthand what I am personally going through, and if you are not that person then you don't know. I have lost many friends due to this drug, it won't make a difference if I lose more. Please add yourself to the list if you are not supportive and if you do not believe me. The added stress of people talking behind my back does not help me and you are not wanted in my life. I'm doing everything I can to survive. It would be so much easier if I kept taking this pill, it would be so much easier if I filed for disability and never worked again, it would be so much easier if I went to the doctor and got put on another drug to help relieve my withdrawal symptoms. But I will not do that. I post something almost every day about what I'm going through, not to seek attention, but to educate you on the dangers of Benzo drugs. No one told me about it, and I'm spending my time trying to warn all of you. The only people I want in my life are positive and supportive people. I am not asking anyone to hold my hand or to take care of me, I am asking you to believe me. I am asking you to read ONE article about what I'm going through. I am asking you to stop judging me. Just leave me be and let me heal without negativity. If you cannot do that, please dismiss yourself from my life. I am not writing this while angry, I'm not writing this to any specific person, I am writing this for everyone that is living in denial or ignorance about what this drug has done to me and millions of others. Educate yourself before you judge anyone.
June 20.
My original dose of 1mg Klonopin and the dose I tapered down to, .25mg. It's amazing what happens to me if I don't take that little crumb of .25mg
June 20.
Short video on what happens when I don't take my .25mg dose
Get off this shit, ya'll. I am seeing way to many similarities between myself and my patients. I took care of people that are developmentally disabled, have brain injuries, and elderly patients with dementia. It rots your brains on a level that is criminal.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Day 40: I am tired.
Day 40. Nice even number.
I'm pretty emotional today. I have been depressed or angry most of the day. The memories from my past that keep coming into my head are very upsetting to me. I know we aren't suppose to "dwell on the past", but I'm just now remembering the past...so... yeah. It sucks. Yes, I am getting off the hellish Benzo drug, Klonopin, but lets not forget that I also have stopped drinking as well. I was not an alcoholic, but I have drank socially since I was 17ish. I have had bouts of 'sobriety' a few times, but I think I was taking an antidepressant or some shit at those times too. Basically, this is the first time in my life that I have been sober, in every way, in many years. I just have waves of memories flood over me out of nowhere all the time. I have had flashbacks and memories from my childhood that I had forgotten, along with realizations of other memories. It's like seeing things from a different point of view. A sober, clean minds point of view. Things that didn't seem like a big deal at the time, I think of it now and it's disturbing and sad. All of this is a normal part of Benzo withdrawal. My brain is healing.
I have not had a terrible life at all. But I have had a pretty rough one, that's for damn sure. Pregnant at 19, father of my child killed at 20, married an abusive man, twice divorced by 27, lost two fiance's, two babies, numerous jobs and dependent on Klonopin by 33. Ehh... that pretty much sums up my adult life so far. I just can't get my shit together. And that's depressing. But as look back now, with my clean brain, I realize that I was on a prescription drug or drinking through all of this.
I was put on my first antidepressant at age 17. Prozac. Yup, some dumbass put me on Prozac at 17. That, of course, made me crazy and made me act in ways I never would have before. So they tried another drug, then another, and another. Til after my first husband, I got off the prescriptions and started to drink on and off.
So yeah. Prescription drugs and alcohol have been a part of my life since I was a teenager. *BOOM* Just put that together in my head. I never, EVER abused the prescription drugs, I was always afraid of them. But I certainly had my fare share of getting my drink on there for a while. So it's the first time in almost 20 years that I am not putting poison in my body. Well, I take that back, technically I still am because I have to take my .25mg of Klonopin a day.
This whole experience has really changed me, and I'm not even finished yet. It's like I have woken up and noticed that someone has just made a mess of my life and I now have to clean it up. I have to start from the beginning. I have to get a new job, new budget, new friends... everything. I have been excited about all of this, but it's also terrifying! I want to be on my own. I don't want help from anyone, I don't want other people to make my choices for me, I want to do it on my own and trust my own instinct... knowing now that I have a clean brain and body. All my life I have been told what to do and how to live, if I didn't do it their way I was cut off and scolded. And when I did do it their way it ruined my life and I was miserable.
I have to live for me now. I am choosing to get off this drug. I am choosing to get a new job. I am choosing what field of work I'm going to do. I am choosing how I spend my money. I am choosing how to save my money. I am choosing how my daughter and I are going to live. And one day, I will choose WHERE my daughter and I will live.
I am tired of living under a thumb. I am tired of being looked at like I'm a screw up. I am tired of knowing that my family is sick and tired of looking at me and that they think that I am a disappointment. I am tired of feeling unloved and unwanted by people that could never have survived what I have been through. I am tired of being judged and put down. I am tired of having to do things YOUR WAY. I'm just plain tired. And I'm ready to get away from all of this, and away from all the negative people. I am leaving this shitty life with people that don't support me and people that ignore me, and I'm entering a life that I create with my own positive emotions and strength.
You are not invited.
I'm pretty emotional today. I have been depressed or angry most of the day. The memories from my past that keep coming into my head are very upsetting to me. I know we aren't suppose to "dwell on the past", but I'm just now remembering the past...so... yeah. It sucks. Yes, I am getting off the hellish Benzo drug, Klonopin, but lets not forget that I also have stopped drinking as well. I was not an alcoholic, but I have drank socially since I was 17ish. I have had bouts of 'sobriety' a few times, but I think I was taking an antidepressant or some shit at those times too. Basically, this is the first time in my life that I have been sober, in every way, in many years. I just have waves of memories flood over me out of nowhere all the time. I have had flashbacks and memories from my childhood that I had forgotten, along with realizations of other memories. It's like seeing things from a different point of view. A sober, clean minds point of view. Things that didn't seem like a big deal at the time, I think of it now and it's disturbing and sad. All of this is a normal part of Benzo withdrawal. My brain is healing.
I have not had a terrible life at all. But I have had a pretty rough one, that's for damn sure. Pregnant at 19, father of my child killed at 20, married an abusive man, twice divorced by 27, lost two fiance's, two babies, numerous jobs and dependent on Klonopin by 33. Ehh... that pretty much sums up my adult life so far. I just can't get my shit together. And that's depressing. But as look back now, with my clean brain, I realize that I was on a prescription drug or drinking through all of this.
I was put on my first antidepressant at age 17. Prozac. Yup, some dumbass put me on Prozac at 17. That, of course, made me crazy and made me act in ways I never would have before. So they tried another drug, then another, and another. Til after my first husband, I got off the prescriptions and started to drink on and off.
So yeah. Prescription drugs and alcohol have been a part of my life since I was a teenager. *BOOM* Just put that together in my head. I never, EVER abused the prescription drugs, I was always afraid of them. But I certainly had my fare share of getting my drink on there for a while. So it's the first time in almost 20 years that I am not putting poison in my body. Well, I take that back, technically I still am because I have to take my .25mg of Klonopin a day.
This whole experience has really changed me, and I'm not even finished yet. It's like I have woken up and noticed that someone has just made a mess of my life and I now have to clean it up. I have to start from the beginning. I have to get a new job, new budget, new friends... everything. I have been excited about all of this, but it's also terrifying! I want to be on my own. I don't want help from anyone, I don't want other people to make my choices for me, I want to do it on my own and trust my own instinct... knowing now that I have a clean brain and body. All my life I have been told what to do and how to live, if I didn't do it their way I was cut off and scolded. And when I did do it their way it ruined my life and I was miserable.
I have to live for me now. I am choosing to get off this drug. I am choosing to get a new job. I am choosing what field of work I'm going to do. I am choosing how I spend my money. I am choosing how to save my money. I am choosing how my daughter and I are going to live. And one day, I will choose WHERE my daughter and I will live.
I am tired of living under a thumb. I am tired of being looked at like I'm a screw up. I am tired of knowing that my family is sick and tired of looking at me and that they think that I am a disappointment. I am tired of feeling unloved and unwanted by people that could never have survived what I have been through. I am tired of being judged and put down. I am tired of having to do things YOUR WAY. I'm just plain tired. And I'm ready to get away from all of this, and away from all the negative people. I am leaving this shitty life with people that don't support me and people that ignore me, and I'm entering a life that I create with my own positive emotions and strength.
You are not invited.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Day 39: Another One Bites the Dust
Day 39. Well, shit.
Here's an update for ya...last we spoke I mentioned that I had become cocky. 'Tis true. I got cocky. I thought I was one in a million that had it good and it was so simple to get off Klonopin in a month or two. I was wrong.
Over the past 39 days I have made it down from 1mg of Klonopin to .25mg of Klonopin. 1/4 of my original dose. Shit gets real around this time.
My last entry was on my 37th day, and I recall mentioning how I was twitching and had some anxiety and an overall feeling of shit. Well, that feeling never ended that day. In fact, it got worse. By 7pm I was shaking. I was freezing and couldn't get warm, I was twitching, my leg was kicking kinda on its own, couldn't breathe and what not...yadda yadda yadda....I had a panic attack. Yes, kids, I had a full blown, bullshit panic attack. I cannot remember the last time I had one.
I tried for over an hour to calm myself down. I told myself that it was just withdrawals from the drug, and that I was ok. But as most of you know, when you are panicking, you are an irrational idiot and you can think of nothing else but your own death and doom.
After an hour, I caved. I was scared, my daughter was scared, so I took half a pill. An hour after that, my body was still clenched like a fist, so I took another .25mg of my pill. All that, plus the .25mg I had taken that morning, equals 1mg. I was back to my original dose.
Que the music: *womp womp waah*
Needless to say, I was none too happy about it. I felt like a failure, and I felt pretty pissed. All the anger towards my doctors and the drug came washing back over me. The reality of the strength and power this drug has over my body hit me like a charging bull. Quite humbling, I'd say. I am not one in a million that has it easy, I'm just like everyone else, and the drug is going to treat me as such.
After I had taken the .75mg, I finally calmed down. And I noticed the drug in me and how it felt. I felt numb. I felt just like I was doing the motions of life. And I realized that is how I have been living life for the past 3 years while on this shit.
The next morning, I woke up with swollen fingers. That's a sensation I haven't felt in a while. I used to wake up like that every day, I figured I had too much salt in my diet. (even though I don't use much salt) NOPE, just a side effect of Klonopin that I never noticed. I also woke up jittery with anxiety, and depressed. Like, super depressed, crying at commercials. Also, my acid reflux/heartburn had returned and I was rude to strangers. Yes, rude to strangers. All too familiar. I cannot believe I have lived like this for so long! No wonder I had to keep taking the damn pill! It made me feel anxious and depressed! No wonder the doctors thought I needed antidepressants and mood stabilizers! This shit caused it all! Assholes. I hate this drug.
So here I am, the day after that. Today I went back to my .25mg I was on before the panic attack. Hopefully it can stay that way. I think that along with the withdrawals, the panic attack was caused because I was on the 5th day of holding the same dose, and because of some stress and drama I had the day before. By the 5th day of holding, more of the drug is getting out of your system and withdrawals hit harder, that combined with the stress and drama just did me in.
Funny thing about this is, just like any illness, you have to rest. But not only do you have to rest your body and stay in bed, you have to rest your mind. Seriously. The last time I had to up my dose was after I had a random bit of stress and drama. You cannot think about shit. You cannot have the slightest bit of nonsense in your life or you will be knocked back on your ass. That's pretty hard to avoid. Especially if you are still working and living in the real world. Lucky for me, I work part time from home and don't get out much.
Moral of the story is..... I'm still here, trying my damnedest to get off this shit. I have had some set backs, some scary moments and some wake up calls, but all in all it's still worth it. I never know what is going to happen and I cannot get cocky or try to over-do it with my body AND my brain. Chill. I must chill. I must relax and breathe easy. But it can be done!! I shall try again. There's nothing else to do but keep going.
Here's an update for ya...last we spoke I mentioned that I had become cocky. 'Tis true. I got cocky. I thought I was one in a million that had it good and it was so simple to get off Klonopin in a month or two. I was wrong.
Over the past 39 days I have made it down from 1mg of Klonopin to .25mg of Klonopin. 1/4 of my original dose. Shit gets real around this time.
My last entry was on my 37th day, and I recall mentioning how I was twitching and had some anxiety and an overall feeling of shit. Well, that feeling never ended that day. In fact, it got worse. By 7pm I was shaking. I was freezing and couldn't get warm, I was twitching, my leg was kicking kinda on its own, couldn't breathe and what not...yadda yadda yadda....I had a panic attack. Yes, kids, I had a full blown, bullshit panic attack. I cannot remember the last time I had one.
I tried for over an hour to calm myself down. I told myself that it was just withdrawals from the drug, and that I was ok. But as most of you know, when you are panicking, you are an irrational idiot and you can think of nothing else but your own death and doom.
After an hour, I caved. I was scared, my daughter was scared, so I took half a pill. An hour after that, my body was still clenched like a fist, so I took another .25mg of my pill. All that, plus the .25mg I had taken that morning, equals 1mg. I was back to my original dose.
Que the music: *womp womp waah*
Needless to say, I was none too happy about it. I felt like a failure, and I felt pretty pissed. All the anger towards my doctors and the drug came washing back over me. The reality of the strength and power this drug has over my body hit me like a charging bull. Quite humbling, I'd say. I am not one in a million that has it easy, I'm just like everyone else, and the drug is going to treat me as such.
After I had taken the .75mg, I finally calmed down. And I noticed the drug in me and how it felt. I felt numb. I felt just like I was doing the motions of life. And I realized that is how I have been living life for the past 3 years while on this shit.
The next morning, I woke up with swollen fingers. That's a sensation I haven't felt in a while. I used to wake up like that every day, I figured I had too much salt in my diet. (even though I don't use much salt) NOPE, just a side effect of Klonopin that I never noticed. I also woke up jittery with anxiety, and depressed. Like, super depressed, crying at commercials. Also, my acid reflux/heartburn had returned and I was rude to strangers. Yes, rude to strangers. All too familiar. I cannot believe I have lived like this for so long! No wonder I had to keep taking the damn pill! It made me feel anxious and depressed! No wonder the doctors thought I needed antidepressants and mood stabilizers! This shit caused it all! Assholes. I hate this drug.
So here I am, the day after that. Today I went back to my .25mg I was on before the panic attack. Hopefully it can stay that way. I think that along with the withdrawals, the panic attack was caused because I was on the 5th day of holding the same dose, and because of some stress and drama I had the day before. By the 5th day of holding, more of the drug is getting out of your system and withdrawals hit harder, that combined with the stress and drama just did me in.
Funny thing about this is, just like any illness, you have to rest. But not only do you have to rest your body and stay in bed, you have to rest your mind. Seriously. The last time I had to up my dose was after I had a random bit of stress and drama. You cannot think about shit. You cannot have the slightest bit of nonsense in your life or you will be knocked back on your ass. That's pretty hard to avoid. Especially if you are still working and living in the real world. Lucky for me, I work part time from home and don't get out much.
Moral of the story is..... I'm still here, trying my damnedest to get off this shit. I have had some set backs, some scary moments and some wake up calls, but all in all it's still worth it. I never know what is going to happen and I cannot get cocky or try to over-do it with my body AND my brain. Chill. I must chill. I must relax and breathe easy. But it can be done!! I shall try again. There's nothing else to do but keep going.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Day 37: Don't get cocky.
Day 37.
I got cocky.
I have been holding my dose of .25mg of Klonopin for what...5 days now? Other than the insomnia, headaches, dizziness and nausea I have been doing very well. So well that I got all cocky and thought I was almost done and this whole thing would be behind me in no time. Well, no. I forgot how no matter what happens you cannot predict what this mess will do to you. *sigh*
So last night I couldn't sleep again, for about the 3rd day. But last night was different because I started to twitch. I have had some twitching before and I think I upped my dose, but I haven't done it this time. I was twitching all night long. I also started having anxiety again. I got short of breath, my chest felt heavy...all the usual signs of increased anxiety and panic. It has been so long since I have felt that feeling and it was not a welcomed one. I then started having irrational thoughts and fears about things that were 'wrong with me'. I started thinking I had fluid on my brain, a tumor, poor circulation, I was going to have a seizure and die from suffocating in my pillow... all those happy thoughts. But alas, I think I finally fell asleep around 3am, and then I was up by 8:30 this morning.
I still am twitching. I am nauseated and dry heaving. I am having anxiety and feel jittery all over. My right leg has started acting up again, it is so sore that it feels odd when I move it. My knee and ankle are almost numb from the pain in my joints. My shoulders and back are so tensed up that I am living with my heating pad on my back again.
This sucks. Part of me wants to go ahead and take my dose for today instead of waiting til this afternoon when I usually take it. Another part of me wants to double my dose, which would only be half a pill, so all of this would go away and I could have a great and active Saturday with my daughter.
Things could be so much easier. And it's hard to not just take my pill and make all this go away. But I KNOW that my pill will not make it disappear. It just causes an illusion. Just like pain pills don't cure your pain, they just mask it for a few hours.
I'm feeling low, yet still hopeful. I'm feeling scared, yet relieved. I'm feeling pain, but I know it's just poison leaving my body. I'm feeling guilty for going through all this around my daughter, but I know I have to do it in order to get our lives back.
I want to run away a lot. Over the past few weeks I have had so many dreams and thoughts and wishes to just sell everything I own and take off. Move to another state and start over. I'm not trying to run away from my problems, I just want to start over with a new life in a new place. I want to look out my window and see beauty, not a fence or another house. I want to look out my window with a sigh or relief and be full of a peace and happiness, instead of grunting and wishing I could leave. Or complaining about the neighbors, or the traffic and raised taxes. I want to be off the grid. Away from fake people, snobs, evil doctors, bratty kids, police sirens, criminals, rumors, gossip and drama. I actually want to be alone for the first time. Get out of town and stay there. So much stress is caused by daily living. We don't realize it until we stop and get away from the daily grind, or focus on getting rid of the stress.
Anyway. I just went into my dream world. I'm trying not to focus on all the pain and sickness I'm feeling right now. I have to suffer through it. It just goes to show that you cannot be sure what will happen with this drug. You never know what will happen or when. You can live a life with it. But you just have to keep going. I have have to keep going. This too, shall pass.
I got cocky.
I have been holding my dose of .25mg of Klonopin for what...5 days now? Other than the insomnia, headaches, dizziness and nausea I have been doing very well. So well that I got all cocky and thought I was almost done and this whole thing would be behind me in no time. Well, no. I forgot how no matter what happens you cannot predict what this mess will do to you. *sigh*
So last night I couldn't sleep again, for about the 3rd day. But last night was different because I started to twitch. I have had some twitching before and I think I upped my dose, but I haven't done it this time. I was twitching all night long. I also started having anxiety again. I got short of breath, my chest felt heavy...all the usual signs of increased anxiety and panic. It has been so long since I have felt that feeling and it was not a welcomed one. I then started having irrational thoughts and fears about things that were 'wrong with me'. I started thinking I had fluid on my brain, a tumor, poor circulation, I was going to have a seizure and die from suffocating in my pillow... all those happy thoughts. But alas, I think I finally fell asleep around 3am, and then I was up by 8:30 this morning.
I still am twitching. I am nauseated and dry heaving. I am having anxiety and feel jittery all over. My right leg has started acting up again, it is so sore that it feels odd when I move it. My knee and ankle are almost numb from the pain in my joints. My shoulders and back are so tensed up that I am living with my heating pad on my back again.
This sucks. Part of me wants to go ahead and take my dose for today instead of waiting til this afternoon when I usually take it. Another part of me wants to double my dose, which would only be half a pill, so all of this would go away and I could have a great and active Saturday with my daughter.
Things could be so much easier. And it's hard to not just take my pill and make all this go away. But I KNOW that my pill will not make it disappear. It just causes an illusion. Just like pain pills don't cure your pain, they just mask it for a few hours.
I'm feeling low, yet still hopeful. I'm feeling scared, yet relieved. I'm feeling pain, but I know it's just poison leaving my body. I'm feeling guilty for going through all this around my daughter, but I know I have to do it in order to get our lives back.
I want to run away a lot. Over the past few weeks I have had so many dreams and thoughts and wishes to just sell everything I own and take off. Move to another state and start over. I'm not trying to run away from my problems, I just want to start over with a new life in a new place. I want to look out my window and see beauty, not a fence or another house. I want to look out my window with a sigh or relief and be full of a peace and happiness, instead of grunting and wishing I could leave. Or complaining about the neighbors, or the traffic and raised taxes. I want to be off the grid. Away from fake people, snobs, evil doctors, bratty kids, police sirens, criminals, rumors, gossip and drama. I actually want to be alone for the first time. Get out of town and stay there. So much stress is caused by daily living. We don't realize it until we stop and get away from the daily grind, or focus on getting rid of the stress.
Anyway. I just went into my dream world. I'm trying not to focus on all the pain and sickness I'm feeling right now. I have to suffer through it. It just goes to show that you cannot be sure what will happen with this drug. You never know what will happen or when. You can live a life with it. But you just have to keep going. I have have to keep going. This too, shall pass.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Day 35: I think I'm almost done.
35 days and counting....
I'm in the home stretch, folks.
Last we spoke, 5 days ago(?), I was having problems with the liquid taper to get off my Klonopin so I was going to have to come up with some other idea.
WELL.
I keep track of my doses, withdrawal symptoms and the time I take my poison every day whether I blog or not. (I have no memory, remember)
After the failed liquid taper, I basically went coo-coo ca choo and ended up taking .5mg (half my original dose) later that evening. That, along with whatever small amount was in my liquid that morning got me feeling somewhat normal again.
To me, I had taken a step back. I didn't know how much medicine I had actually taken into my body because I just don't believe the liquid taper has as much in there as it is suppose to. So, I was a bit upset with myself.
However! The next day, I was fine all day. I didn't take ANY part of my poisonous Klonopin pill. I made it through a day. My skin was almost green it was so pale, I couldn't see, I think I hallucinated a few times, I was grumpy, I was dry heaving...all the fun stuff. But I made it.
So I tried to do it again the next day. Didn't work. I made it til 3pm and then I just had to take something. My vision was so impaired I couldn't see things right in front of me. My hearing was off, my skin went from pale white to red, blotchy and burning. My head was pounding, my ears were throbbing, I couldn't concentrate on anything. So I took 1/4 of my pill, .25mg. Now if you recall, that was the cut I was trying to make in the first place about a week or so ago, but it didn't work out so I tried the liquid.
Well, it's been 3 days now and I'm still going strong on .25mg. Just that tiny little bitty amount of Klonopin will keep me able to function normally for 24 hours. Today my daughter looked at me and said, "Umm Mom, your eyes are swollen". WELP! Must have hit the 24 hour mark! Gotta take my tiny piece of a pill for the day! I have gotten so used to the withdrawal symptoms that I can almost predict them. *knock wood* I know that after I cut my dose down, the first day I will be incredibly tired all day and nauseated and pale. On the second day, my face will get red and blotchy and burn like I've been in the sun way too long, and I will have headaches. On the third day, I will be sore and my eyes will swell up and I will have insomnia. Tomorrow, I predict that I will feel much better. My skin wont be so irritated, I may get some sleep, I will be able to eat a full meal again, and I will probably have a migraine or tingling sensations in my head. It's all signs of this shit getting out of my body and me healing.
I welcome the withdrawal symptoms. Because I know it is just that, WITHDRAWAL. The poison is leaving my body and it's not happy about it. But I am. My memory has continued to get better every day, my anxiety is almost non existent, I laugh more, I feel more, and I have goals again. I can't wait to be healed completely so I can start over. Get a FULL TIME job. Get back to working hard and making money and going on trips with my daughter. Get a manicure and a pedicure. (I REALLY miss that one) Get out of the house and live again. I am so excited about my future now, because before I was just a drone living the same year over and over again. I am getting my life back, and so is my daughter. I can already tell a difference in her as well. She is getting her mom back.
But I tell ya, it sucks getting off this poison. It really does. I am extremely lucky to have been able to do it in a month or two, for a lot of people it takes years. It's the hardest thing I've done, and the scariest. But it's worth it. All of it. It's just like having a child. Pregnancy sucks, it seems to last forever, you feel like shit, then you have labor which is worse... but in the end, you have a new life. And it's worth it. You would do it all over again to get the result.
I am so happy and proud of myself for finally coming to my senses and getting off this drug. The reward is better than anything I can imagine. Please, get off your Benzo drug or anti-depressant. It's not worth your life. There is help on Facebook and right here. You can do it.
I'm in the home stretch, folks.
Last we spoke, 5 days ago(?), I was having problems with the liquid taper to get off my Klonopin so I was going to have to come up with some other idea.
WELL.
I keep track of my doses, withdrawal symptoms and the time I take my poison every day whether I blog or not. (I have no memory, remember)
After the failed liquid taper, I basically went coo-coo ca choo and ended up taking .5mg (half my original dose) later that evening. That, along with whatever small amount was in my liquid that morning got me feeling somewhat normal again.
To me, I had taken a step back. I didn't know how much medicine I had actually taken into my body because I just don't believe the liquid taper has as much in there as it is suppose to. So, I was a bit upset with myself.
However! The next day, I was fine all day. I didn't take ANY part of my poisonous Klonopin pill. I made it through a day. My skin was almost green it was so pale, I couldn't see, I think I hallucinated a few times, I was grumpy, I was dry heaving...all the fun stuff. But I made it.
So I tried to do it again the next day. Didn't work. I made it til 3pm and then I just had to take something. My vision was so impaired I couldn't see things right in front of me. My hearing was off, my skin went from pale white to red, blotchy and burning. My head was pounding, my ears were throbbing, I couldn't concentrate on anything. So I took 1/4 of my pill, .25mg. Now if you recall, that was the cut I was trying to make in the first place about a week or so ago, but it didn't work out so I tried the liquid.
Well, it's been 3 days now and I'm still going strong on .25mg. Just that tiny little bitty amount of Klonopin will keep me able to function normally for 24 hours. Today my daughter looked at me and said, "Umm Mom, your eyes are swollen". WELP! Must have hit the 24 hour mark! Gotta take my tiny piece of a pill for the day! I have gotten so used to the withdrawal symptoms that I can almost predict them. *knock wood* I know that after I cut my dose down, the first day I will be incredibly tired all day and nauseated and pale. On the second day, my face will get red and blotchy and burn like I've been in the sun way too long, and I will have headaches. On the third day, I will be sore and my eyes will swell up and I will have insomnia. Tomorrow, I predict that I will feel much better. My skin wont be so irritated, I may get some sleep, I will be able to eat a full meal again, and I will probably have a migraine or tingling sensations in my head. It's all signs of this shit getting out of my body and me healing.
I welcome the withdrawal symptoms. Because I know it is just that, WITHDRAWAL. The poison is leaving my body and it's not happy about it. But I am. My memory has continued to get better every day, my anxiety is almost non existent, I laugh more, I feel more, and I have goals again. I can't wait to be healed completely so I can start over. Get a FULL TIME job. Get back to working hard and making money and going on trips with my daughter. Get a manicure and a pedicure. (I REALLY miss that one) Get out of the house and live again. I am so excited about my future now, because before I was just a drone living the same year over and over again. I am getting my life back, and so is my daughter. I can already tell a difference in her as well. She is getting her mom back.
But I tell ya, it sucks getting off this poison. It really does. I am extremely lucky to have been able to do it in a month or two, for a lot of people it takes years. It's the hardest thing I've done, and the scariest. But it's worth it. All of it. It's just like having a child. Pregnancy sucks, it seems to last forever, you feel like shit, then you have labor which is worse... but in the end, you have a new life. And it's worth it. You would do it all over again to get the result.
I am so happy and proud of myself for finally coming to my senses and getting off this drug. The reward is better than anything I can imagine. Please, get off your Benzo drug or anti-depressant. It's not worth your life. There is help on Facebook and right here. You can do it.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Day 31: Live and Learn. If you can remember...
ugh. Day 31. I'm over it.
So when I last wrote to you all, I believe that I was feeling incredibly ill and was debating on whether or not I should cut my dose again. I was down to .5mg of Klonopin, from my original dose of 1mg, and I had been holding on to that dose for a little over a week. WELL. Lets see what you've missed shall we?
I decided that I was going to keep going down on my dose. So the next day (day 28) I cut my dose in half. I cut down to .25mg. I took it in the morning and 4 hours later I was shaking and twitching. Yes, TWITCHING. Uncontrollable muscle movements like you wouldn't believe. Then the crazy hit me, I felt like I was going insane. It's like I want to cry, but then again I want to scream and turn into the Wolverine and break things. So, needless to say, that wasn't working and I took the other half of my dose.
So then I was thinking, "what to do, what to do". I can't just stay at .5mg forever, I have to keep tapering off this godforsaken bullshit pill. So it was my brilliant idea to try to do the liquid taper again.
Now, for those of you that haven't heard, a liquid taper is when you dissolve your pill in a certain amount of water and take out 1 milliliter of water a day. It is suppose to be the best way to taper off this medication because it is super slow and has the least amount of side effects and withdrawal symptoms. Yeah, well, whatever. I tried it in the beginning, and it DID NOT work for me. It felt like I just quit cold turkey and I thought I was going to die. But for some reason, I thought it would work well for me this time.
Did I mention that memory loss, confusion and brain damage is a side effect and withdrawal symptom??
So yeah. On day 29, I dissolved my .5mg of Klonopin in 150ml of water, shook it up real good and pulled out 1ml of water with a syringe. Then I drank what was left and that was to be my dose for the day. Oh, and I also decided to do this on a day when I had a friend that was having surgery and I had to be at the hospital most of the day and drive my friend around.
Idiot. What the hell was I thinking?
I went crazy. I was completely exhausted, I was super grumpy and snippy, my face and eyes were swelling up again, my body ached....oh my god it was bad. But I made it through the day and went to sleep without taking another dose. By the end of the day (in my brilliant, non brain damaged mind), I figured I was just tired and grumpy because I had been busy and had to get up early. Yeah, right.
So the next day, day 30, I did the liquid taper again. And this time I took out 2ml of water. Well, I drank my dose at 9am. By 3pm I was having crazy mood swings and was having a hard time talking and understanding people when they spoke. I also was having some anxiety. So at 3pm, I took part of my pill, .25 to be exact. And by 9pm, I was in complete crazy city. I was hallucinating, I couldn't read or see words, noises and sounds were hurting my eyes, ears and head, and I had the psychosis happening. I was nuts. Then I just started crying. I don't know why, it just happened. I wasn't sobbing, I was just leaking tears uncontrollably. So at 9pm, I took the other part of my pill, .25mg again. Then I was fine.
Yeah. The liquid taper DOES NOT WORK FOR ME AT ALL. Bad idea. Today, day 31, I just took my usual .5mg and I've been doing pretty good. I'm sore and tired and my face is still swollen, some burning skin and sore joints...but that's from the shit I put my body through the past 2 days. It's an injury to my body. It really is. We have to take the time to let our brains and bodies heal after this shit.
So tomorrow, I will try again. Maybe cutting, maybe something else. But I will figure it out. When doing this, you HAVE to listen to your body. Everyone is different. It blows peoples minds that the liquid taper doesn't work for me, and that I have come so far so fast. But that's me! Sorry if it's not you. I guess I am lucky to be able to do this so quickly. It takes years for most people. But it can be done and it WILL be done. I just have to find what works for me.
Gotta keep going!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Day 27: Why? Just...WHY.
Day 27. Almost a month of trying to get off this god forsaken Benzo drug called Klonopin.
I haven't been posting daily, as you all can see, because I just don't see the point. Now, I'm doing more of an update thing, so to speak.
So here's the update from the past 6 days.
When I last posted I was on .5mg of Klonopin. That is half of my original dose. Other than the rush of emotions, insomnia, mood swings, sore muscles and stiff joints (just to name a few), I actually have been doing quite well. Until today.
I have been holding at .5mg for 9 days now, I think. The first 3 days after I went down to .5 were pretty rough, as I already knew they would be, and then the withdrawal symptoms lightened up. I have been doing very well for the past 3 or 4 days, other than little things here and there. I'm sitting here thinking I am such a badass and I'm flying through this with no problems, look at me go, I'm hardcore...blah blah blah. Well today is kicking my ass.
I have been so nauseated all day today and had a migraine all morning. And it's one thing to be a little nauseated, but I've been dry heaving as well. Where the hell did this come from?? I have been FINE! But that's Benzos for ya! It's a bully. A big ass mother fucking bully that will leave you alone just long enough for you to get comfortable then sneak up behind you and knock yo ass down! Then steal your money and laugh. Really, that's what it feels like.
And what do I do about it? That's my question for today. I was going to keep holding my dose at .5 for a while before I cut it down again, but now I don't know what to do. I mean, I already feel like shit, why not just cut my dose again? Or just flush all the pills down the damn drain! I mean, shit man! I'm not happy.
I thought I had this done. I thought I was trucking along, kicking Benzos ass, and getting healed. On the contrary. I don't know what's going on in my body. I'm having the tingling sensations in my head again, dizziness, mood swings, headaches, body aches, Benzo belly...all the shit all over again. I don't like it. So, I'm debating on what to do about it. Should I cut again? Or keep holding? I really don't see the point in holding, to tell the truth.
But the thing is, I have a friend that is having surgery this week and I am the caregiver afterwards. Hence, why I was holding in the first place. I didn't want to be going through bad withdrawals before, during or after the surgery. Well of course Benzo isn't going to let me have what I want. The surgery is in 2 days. To cut or not to cut? I think I'm going to try to cut. Tomorrow. Then hopefully the symptoms wont hit me too hard until later.
BUT WHO KNOWS? You can't live with this shit. You can't make plans, you can't control it, you can't even depend on it to do what it's suppose to do! Why did it have to fuck up my day now? Why did it decide to knock me back on my ass now? Why did I even start getting off of it? Why did I even get on it? WHY is it still on the market!? And why is it so freaking hard to get off of it when I am on such a small dose? ugh. It's exhausting.
Just have to keep going. Keep going.
On a good note, people can tell a difference in me. That makes me smile. Because I can tell a difference in me. Now, I've had people tell me that they see a slight difference in just 27 days. It's noticeable to others and that makes me happy. I AM getting my life back, I'm just having a shitty go of it.
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