Saturday, September 6, 2014

Month 2: You're kidding, right?

Well, it has now been two months. In all honesty, I don't have much good news. But I do have some good news, so I guess that us the bright side of things.

One good thing, I can stay by myself now. I have had to have a babysitter with me for the past month, but now it is possible for me to stay a night alone. I don't like doing it, but I can.
I am working full time again. That's good. 
I can go to the grocery store now.
I can drive long distances now, it was scary as hell and I cried a lot, but I did it.
I can take a shower and a long bath in deep water alone and with the door shut. That's a big one for me. 

All of this sounds ridiculous, but that is benzo recovery for you. As soon as I think its over, its not. I am still adjusting, and it is hard and scary as hell. I hate it so much. There are time when I wish I never did this, times I wish I never decided to get off Klonopin. But there is no turning back now. In fact, I cant go back even if I want to. There was a time over the past month when I went nuts and by babysitter told me to take half a klonopin. I didn't want to, but at that point I didn't see another way. It turned on me. I was even more crazy. Serves me right, I guess. I was confused, terrified, and I didn't recognize my own hand. Talk about scary. I will never take that shit again.

The worst part is the brain zaps, as they call them. It feels like electricity going through your head and you cant do a damn thing about it. 

Its not mind over matter. There is nothing you can do to make this process faster. You have to suffer through it. And I do mean suffer. There have been many times that I wanted to give up and quit. But I had a friend to see me through, thank goodness.

This shit sucks and its hard. But once you chose to do it, there is no going back. It will pass, it will just take a while. A long while. Like, a year. Its been 2 months for me. Just have to stay busy, ask for help, and keep going.

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