Well, it has now been two months. In all honesty, I don't have much good news. But I do have some good news, so I guess that us the bright side of things.
One good thing, I can stay by myself now. I have had to have a babysitter with me for the past month, but now it is possible for me to stay a night alone. I don't like doing it, but I can.
I am working full time again. That's good.
I can go to the grocery store now.
I can drive long distances now, it was scary as hell and I cried a lot, but I did it.
I can take a shower and a long bath in deep water alone and with the door shut. That's a big one for me.
All of this sounds ridiculous, but that is benzo recovery for you. As soon as I think its over, its not. I am still adjusting, and it is hard and scary as hell. I hate it so much. There are time when I wish I never did this, times I wish I never decided to get off Klonopin. But there is no turning back now. In fact, I cant go back even if I want to. There was a time over the past month when I went nuts and by babysitter told me to take half a klonopin. I didn't want to, but at that point I didn't see another way. It turned on me. I was even more crazy. Serves me right, I guess. I was confused, terrified, and I didn't recognize my own hand. Talk about scary. I will never take that shit again.
The worst part is the brain zaps, as they call them. It feels like electricity going through your head and you cant do a damn thing about it.
Its not mind over matter. There is nothing you can do to make this process faster. You have to suffer through it. And I do mean suffer. There have been many times that I wanted to give up and quit. But I had a friend to see me through, thank goodness.
This shit sucks and its hard. But once you chose to do it, there is no going back. It will pass, it will just take a while. A long while. Like, a year. Its been 2 months for me. Just have to stay busy, ask for help, and keep going.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Month One: "Nothing Is Over Until We Decide It Is!"
Yup. I did it. I have been Benzo free for one month today. It has been the worst month of my life, by far.
I will try to sum up the past 4 weeks as quickly and as simply as possible.
I was doing the liquid taper method for the last .25mg of Klonopin using almond milk instead of water. It was working just fine, or so I thought. By the 4th day of that liquid taper, I was insane. I was hallucinating, crying hysterically, talking crazy and basically loosing my damn mind. I decided that enough was enough and I admitted myself into the hospital.
They put me in the psych ward and treated me like a common drug addict. When I told them I was only on .25mg of Klonopin they didn't believe me. They said it wasn't possible for me to have such extreme symptoms from such a small dose. They made me feel as though I was insane. They tried to get me to take an antidepressant. They tried to give me more Benzos. I said no to all.
I stayed in the psych unit for 4 days. By choice. I went through withdrawals, oh yes, I did. Finally, I told them that if they cannot help me in any way other than giving me more drugs then there was no point in me being there and I checked myself out and went home.
My first day home was a good one. I had high hopes. I thought it was finally all over. I felt good. I felt safe. I felt healthy. I had been fed 3 meals a day, snacks, and had zero responsibilities for 4 days. It was a nice vacation. I came home and cleaned my house. I did more in a few hours than I had done over the past 2 months. My daughter came home and I told her it was all over. I told her I was ok. I told her I was 'Mom 2.0'. I was wrong.
Within 2 days, I was having panic attacks. I was in the ER almost every day for a week. I couldn't stay home alone. I was afraid to leave my home. I was in a constant state of fear and panic for an entire week. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I barely left my bed. All anyone thought to do was give me more pills. That was not the answer.
I finally decided enough was enough. My daughter was feeding herself every day and I wasn't eating at all. We were running out of food and I couldn't make it to the grocery store. I ended up in the ER one last time at 2am on a Tuesday morning. I sent my daughter to the neighbors and called an ambulance.
When the doctor came in, he was the same doctor that had treated me earlier that week. He sat me down and told me the truth. He told me there was nothing he could do. He told me that the only thing that will help me was taking another Benzo, which I had adamantly said that I would not do. He told me that I have a problem and I need to get help. He told me that I have to take something for the anxiety and that I have to stop coming to the ER. He told me I had been to the ER 6 times in a month, most of which were that same week. I was afraid. They wanted to put me in the psych ward, without my consent. He scared me. Basically made me feel as though if I came back, I would be locked up in one way or another. I was terrified. He gave me no pills. He told me to go home and take a Klonopin. I couldn't go home. It was 2am, I had no car, and everyone I knew was asleep. Plus, I was too ashamed to call my parents to come get me. I was stuck there, in complete panic, with no where to go and no meds.
I called my x-fiance, he showed up. Thank god for him.
He told me he would help. He stayed with me when I got home. He went and got my daughter for breakfast while I slept. He went and got us groceries and cooked dinner. He made me eat. He made me get out of bed. He held my hand. He stayed with us. He has been at my house for 2 weeks. That's what we needed.
He made my daughter laugh again. He MADE me stay away from the hospital and doctors. He took all my pills away. Even the pills for nausea. He made me survive. He talked me through panic attacks every day, until one day he stood by and made me suffer though one alone. So I would learn how to do it when he wasn't around. He stayed. He believed me. He knew what to do. He is the reason I have made it.
Bottom line...
I thought that once I was off of Klonopin all my problems would be over. Oh was I wrong. They were just beginning. My anxiety and panic disorder were still there, and I had to learn to deal with it. I had emotions again, and I had to learn to deal with them. I had agoraphobia and I had to learn to handle it. The hardest part of this entire process has been adjusting to daily life. I had been numb for 3 years. I didn't care for 3 years. I had to learn how to deal with the little stresses of daily life without taking a pill. It has not been easy.
Right now, I am doing better. In fact, I think I will sent him home today and see if I can make it through the night on my own. I have to push myself and learn to do it alone and not be scared. I have to learn to embrace it and not run from it and let it control me.
I never would have made it this far without him and my family.
Listen to your body. Ask for help. Get help if you need it. Let go of your pride and realize that you were put on the meds for a reason and be ready to deal with those symptoms when they come back to you. It can be done. It will be done. And we can do it. You can do it. I can do it. Keep going.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Day 58: Peace
Day 58.
It's been swell.
So it is the end of the 4th of July weekend. And as I believe I stated in my last post, I have increased my dose of Klonopin in order to give my daughter a proper summer holiday weekend.
Since the beginning of summer, May 8th to be exact, I have been tapering off of Klonopin and basically have been bedridden, unable to walk or talk, having migraines, dry heaving, unable to bathe....just plain sick and broken. My daughter missed Memorial day weekend, we haven't been floating in a canoe down the river, we haven't swam, rode bikes...nothing. That sucks. Yeah, it sucks that I've been going through this mess, but it sucks more for her because this is her summer, she is 13, and she has to sit around and do nothing because of me. That's pretty damn lame.
So yeah, I thought about it and decided to updose for the weekend. I had been holding my tapered dose of Klonopin at .25mg down from 1mg for 10 days. I was not stabilizing at all, I wasn't getting better, I was worse. So I decided to go up to .5mg. Basically double my current dose.
Well, that was interesting. The first reaction I noticed about having more of the drug in my system, was not that I could walk and talk again, but that I was angry. I had this feeling of "I'm a badass, don't mess with me", my road rage was back with a vengeance, it was like I took a dose of testosterone. But hey, that's how I get when I drink! Ever notice that? You think you can do anything, every thing is a joke, but even the smallest comment can make you turn into the hulk...yup, that was me! Benzo drugs affect the same receptors in your brain as alcohol. Hmm! Did you know that? I also started craving alcohol! That was weird. I haven't had a drink in 2 months, but all the sudden I wanted one after taking more Klonopin. Seems a bit coincidental, doesn't it? But no, I didn't have one. Also, that night I couldn't sleep. I had the jitters all night long. Ah ha... Increased anxiety. Bottom line, I didn't like it AT ALL. I kept thinking, "this is how I have been for the past three years! This was 'normal' for me! And it's not even the full dose I used to take!" That's crazy.
So the next day, I worked something out. I tried the liquid taper again, but this time I used almond milk. Wudda you know, it works. So I tapered that dose of .5mg down to .325mg. Yeah, it gets confusing. Basically, I WAS taking a 4th of a pill (.25mg) and I added 1/2 of that dose to it, which equals .375mg. Right in the middle of .25mg and .5mg. That dose seems to do the trick. I am 'normal', I can walk and talk and laugh and move. I've been taking that for 3 days now and I am doing quite well. Plus, my daughter and I were able to celebrate the holiday. She had a great time. I may not remember it, but I know she will. It was great. And worth it.
I also decided to take a break from BENZO. For the past 58 days my life, and my daughters, has been all about Benzo drugs and Klonopin Withdrawals. All day, every day. Measuring a dose, symptoms, research, fear, anger, anxiety, recovery groups, save the world..yada yada yada. We needed a break. So not only did my updose make me feel better and give me a break from the 55 days of hell, I also cut back on the recovery group and 'spreading the word'. I just quit thinking about it. I worked out a plan for my recovery, wrote it down and stopped thinking about, and talking about it, every day.
I don't want to be a victim anymore. I don't want to be angry at the doctors anymore. That gets me no where. I have a limited amount of energy to spare every day, and I choose to spend it thinking happy thoughts and enjoying the moments. Constantly thinking about how terrible I feel and being angry at Big Pharma and doctors and drugs and what not, just brings me down. It brings everyone down.
I know I have worked hard, and it's been extremely hard, but I've tried to keep a smile on my face through all of this. It's just something that has to be done. It's a job. And like any job, you choose to do it. So if you're going to bitch the entire time, you need to just quit the job or quit bitching. I choose to quit bitching. I will still spread the word and warn everyone I know, but not with fear and anger. That doesn't work. It doesn't work for the christians, so it's certainly not going to work for me. People will find out in their own time, and I hope they know that I will be here for them when they are ready.
Meanwhile, today is my last day taking .375mg of Klonopin. The holiday is over so I will continue to taper down. I will now use the liquid method with almond milk. Next stop, .3125mg. Yup. Taking 1/2 of .125 out (.0625) and see how that does me for three days. Then down again. Every 3 days. I will keep you posted. And if you or anyone you know is on a Benzo drug and needs help or information, just let me know! I will be happy to help.
It's been swell.
So it is the end of the 4th of July weekend. And as I believe I stated in my last post, I have increased my dose of Klonopin in order to give my daughter a proper summer holiday weekend.
Since the beginning of summer, May 8th to be exact, I have been tapering off of Klonopin and basically have been bedridden, unable to walk or talk, having migraines, dry heaving, unable to bathe....just plain sick and broken. My daughter missed Memorial day weekend, we haven't been floating in a canoe down the river, we haven't swam, rode bikes...nothing. That sucks. Yeah, it sucks that I've been going through this mess, but it sucks more for her because this is her summer, she is 13, and she has to sit around and do nothing because of me. That's pretty damn lame.
So yeah, I thought about it and decided to updose for the weekend. I had been holding my tapered dose of Klonopin at .25mg down from 1mg for 10 days. I was not stabilizing at all, I wasn't getting better, I was worse. So I decided to go up to .5mg. Basically double my current dose.
Well, that was interesting. The first reaction I noticed about having more of the drug in my system, was not that I could walk and talk again, but that I was angry. I had this feeling of "I'm a badass, don't mess with me", my road rage was back with a vengeance, it was like I took a dose of testosterone. But hey, that's how I get when I drink! Ever notice that? You think you can do anything, every thing is a joke, but even the smallest comment can make you turn into the hulk...yup, that was me! Benzo drugs affect the same receptors in your brain as alcohol. Hmm! Did you know that? I also started craving alcohol! That was weird. I haven't had a drink in 2 months, but all the sudden I wanted one after taking more Klonopin. Seems a bit coincidental, doesn't it? But no, I didn't have one. Also, that night I couldn't sleep. I had the jitters all night long. Ah ha... Increased anxiety. Bottom line, I didn't like it AT ALL. I kept thinking, "this is how I have been for the past three years! This was 'normal' for me! And it's not even the full dose I used to take!" That's crazy.
So the next day, I worked something out. I tried the liquid taper again, but this time I used almond milk. Wudda you know, it works. So I tapered that dose of .5mg down to .325mg. Yeah, it gets confusing. Basically, I WAS taking a 4th of a pill (.25mg) and I added 1/2 of that dose to it, which equals .375mg. Right in the middle of .25mg and .5mg. That dose seems to do the trick. I am 'normal', I can walk and talk and laugh and move. I've been taking that for 3 days now and I am doing quite well. Plus, my daughter and I were able to celebrate the holiday. She had a great time. I may not remember it, but I know she will. It was great. And worth it.
I also decided to take a break from BENZO. For the past 58 days my life, and my daughters, has been all about Benzo drugs and Klonopin Withdrawals. All day, every day. Measuring a dose, symptoms, research, fear, anger, anxiety, recovery groups, save the world..yada yada yada. We needed a break. So not only did my updose make me feel better and give me a break from the 55 days of hell, I also cut back on the recovery group and 'spreading the word'. I just quit thinking about it. I worked out a plan for my recovery, wrote it down and stopped thinking about, and talking about it, every day.
I don't want to be a victim anymore. I don't want to be angry at the doctors anymore. That gets me no where. I have a limited amount of energy to spare every day, and I choose to spend it thinking happy thoughts and enjoying the moments. Constantly thinking about how terrible I feel and being angry at Big Pharma and doctors and drugs and what not, just brings me down. It brings everyone down.
I know I have worked hard, and it's been extremely hard, but I've tried to keep a smile on my face through all of this. It's just something that has to be done. It's a job. And like any job, you choose to do it. So if you're going to bitch the entire time, you need to just quit the job or quit bitching. I choose to quit bitching. I will still spread the word and warn everyone I know, but not with fear and anger. That doesn't work. It doesn't work for the christians, so it's certainly not going to work for me. People will find out in their own time, and I hope they know that I will be here for them when they are ready.
Meanwhile, today is my last day taking .375mg of Klonopin. The holiday is over so I will continue to taper down. I will now use the liquid method with almond milk. Next stop, .3125mg. Yup. Taking 1/2 of .125 out (.0625) and see how that does me for three days. Then down again. Every 3 days. I will keep you posted. And if you or anyone you know is on a Benzo drug and needs help or information, just let me know! I will be happy to help.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Day 55: Staying Alive
Day 55. I'm still here.
Trying to get off 1mg of Klonpin after 3 years.
The past five days I have continued to decline. Emotionally, physically, inside and out.
I am bed bound. Yup. All I can do is stay in bed. I woke up the other day unable to move. I thought I was paralyzed. I panicked. I called 911. They gave me oxygen. I survived. The EMT wouldn't let my daughter come with me in the ambulance, later he told me it was because I would probably be admitted to the ICU since I was in withdrawal. But of course, I was taken to a hospital where they knew nothing of Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome. They wanted to cure me by giving me Ativan and Valium (benzos), I refused. So they dismissed me and diagnosed me with Panic Disorder and Depression. Ridiculous.
I am at a loss. My life has revolved around doses and pill cuts and recovery groups and stress and crying and benzo and Klonopin for 55 fucking days now. I am so tired of it.
On a good note, I think my mother believes it now. She saw me at the ER. I think she knows. She saw me refuse the meds, so she knows I am not an addict. If I was an addict, I would have gladly taken them. Even asked for them, but no. I have enough at home. All I have to do to make all this go away is take ONE little pill. But I don't want to.
This weekend is the 4th of July. It's been a shitty summer for me and my poor daughter. No fun for either of us. I have been holding my dose of .25mg for about 10 days now with no improvement. I am not stabilizing. I thought I was, but I'm not.
I have decided to updose. Yeah, yeah, I know...but I can't stay in bed. I am going to go back up to .5mg for about a week, then started to taper down SLOWLY. So now, maybe I will be able to take my daughter to a fireworks show, or even just sit outside with her while she plays. I will be able to go on job interviews and actually bathe. It wont make me perfect, and it will still suck, but I need to function. I'm broke and it's getting worse by the day. It costs a lot of money to lay in bed all day.
I don't know what else to tell you. I am bummed at myself for wanting to updose, but in all honesty, I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for my daughter. She needs some normalcy around here and if I keep doing what I'm doing it's not going to happen any time soon.
Here is a link to the latest video I've posted on my facebook page. Woo hoo.
Update from Bed. Starring me and my cat, Bana
This post has been a little 'bluh', but that's how I feel today. I'm still here, I'm still going. I'm not giving up. But this shit is really really hard. And you have to do it all alone. I have my daughter to help, thank the gods, but I really am alone. No one around me understands, including the doctors. Its frightening, but its still worth it. I am going quickly, I know this. That is why I have had such difficult symptoms. I just want to get the poison out of me. But quickly is not the way to go. Slow and steady is the key, so I have to just be patient or I will never recover. None of us will. We have to beat this. We will beat this. Good luck to you all!
Trying to get off 1mg of Klonpin after 3 years.
The past five days I have continued to decline. Emotionally, physically, inside and out.
I am bed bound. Yup. All I can do is stay in bed. I woke up the other day unable to move. I thought I was paralyzed. I panicked. I called 911. They gave me oxygen. I survived. The EMT wouldn't let my daughter come with me in the ambulance, later he told me it was because I would probably be admitted to the ICU since I was in withdrawal. But of course, I was taken to a hospital where they knew nothing of Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome. They wanted to cure me by giving me Ativan and Valium (benzos), I refused. So they dismissed me and diagnosed me with Panic Disorder and Depression. Ridiculous.
I am at a loss. My life has revolved around doses and pill cuts and recovery groups and stress and crying and benzo and Klonopin for 55 fucking days now. I am so tired of it.
On a good note, I think my mother believes it now. She saw me at the ER. I think she knows. She saw me refuse the meds, so she knows I am not an addict. If I was an addict, I would have gladly taken them. Even asked for them, but no. I have enough at home. All I have to do to make all this go away is take ONE little pill. But I don't want to.
This weekend is the 4th of July. It's been a shitty summer for me and my poor daughter. No fun for either of us. I have been holding my dose of .25mg for about 10 days now with no improvement. I am not stabilizing. I thought I was, but I'm not.
I have decided to updose. Yeah, yeah, I know...but I can't stay in bed. I am going to go back up to .5mg for about a week, then started to taper down SLOWLY. So now, maybe I will be able to take my daughter to a fireworks show, or even just sit outside with her while she plays. I will be able to go on job interviews and actually bathe. It wont make me perfect, and it will still suck, but I need to function. I'm broke and it's getting worse by the day. It costs a lot of money to lay in bed all day.
I don't know what else to tell you. I am bummed at myself for wanting to updose, but in all honesty, I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for my daughter. She needs some normalcy around here and if I keep doing what I'm doing it's not going to happen any time soon.
Here is a link to the latest video I've posted on my facebook page. Woo hoo.
Update from Bed. Starring me and my cat, Bana
This post has been a little 'bluh', but that's how I feel today. I'm still here, I'm still going. I'm not giving up. But this shit is really really hard. And you have to do it all alone. I have my daughter to help, thank the gods, but I really am alone. No one around me understands, including the doctors. Its frightening, but its still worth it. I am going quickly, I know this. That is why I have had such difficult symptoms. I just want to get the poison out of me. But quickly is not the way to go. Slow and steady is the key, so I have to just be patient or I will never recover. None of us will. We have to beat this. We will beat this. Good luck to you all!
Friday, June 27, 2014
DAY 50. Shits getting real.
It is day 50. That's a long ass time.
So yeah, I am again not feeling all that great and haven't written in a while. I have hit a wall in my taper from Klonopin and it is super duper hard to keep going and keep a fucking smile on my face.
The worst part of all this is the 'non-believers'. People that think I am just making all this shit up for funzies. That blows my damn mind. And it hurts like a bitch. What kind of person would do that? What exactly is it that I have to gain from "pretending" to not be able to walk and talk at times? Or not being able to read and write properly? Or not being able to understand or hear things? Or not being able to get out of bed? What do I have to gain? And why would I "pretend" to do it 24/7, even when I'm alone all day? How does a person do that? And why? I mean, really. What do I have to gain from pretending to have these symptoms? I'm not going to get famous by my videos, I don't want to. If that was my plan, I probably would have put a little make up on first, or even bathed. I do my videos for YOU. Yes, YOU. So you people will know what it's really like to go through this. Words don't help. You need to see.
So far, what I have gained from going through this for 50 days is..... nothing. Except an insight to mental and physical disabilities.
I've lost my health
I've lost my strength
I've lost friends
I've lost family
I've lost my savings
I've lost my fucking mind
I'm about to lose my job
I'm about to lose my ability to drive a car
I can't go to the fucking grocery store because I cannot walk that far
I have to use a fucking granny cane to get around
I am stared at constantly every where I go
I can't enjoy the summer with my daughter
I can't go out with friends
I can't dance anymore
I can't cook a full meal
I can't take a fucking shower
I haven't shaved my legs for 50 days. Yup. That's the least of my worries
I can't eat a full meal...
I can't get people to understand what this is, and what I'm going through. I am constantly judged and even laughed at for what I look like and how I have to get around. Yet, all I can do is shut the fuck up, keep a god damn smile on my face and keep going. Keep going through hell so I can come out clean on the other side.
If I break down, my world breaks down with me. It's already crumbling. If I can't laugh at myself when I walk like a fucking zombie, my child will see, and be scared shitless and she will go down. If I can't stay calm and blow all these symptoms off as though it's "Just another day in Benzo Land", my daughter will be terrified and depressed and just as angry at the world as I am inside.
I have to keep my wits about me for my daughters sake, and mine. I have to keep my happy mask on, when in reality I am crying like a sick baby inside and scared for my life.
Right now, I have to put on my war face. I have to stand up, (with my cane), and keep climbing this mountain all by myself and knock all the fuckers who don't believe me down. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with these people. I cannot be brought down anymore that I am.
Every day is a battle beyond belief, unless you have lived it. PEOPLE DON'T KNOW. Doctors don't know. I am in a constant battle to get people to believe me and get validation from anyone. For instance, last night my doctor told me to go to the ER for a CT scan to make sure I had not had a stroke. (all part of withdrawals) The doctors at the ER had no idea what I was talking about when I said, "I'm in Benzo Withdrawal". They couldn't wrap their dumbass heads around it. Until finally, a new nurse was sent to my room. The nurse said, "I decided to switch with the other guy because I know about Benzodiazepine Withdrawals." I could not have been more relieved. He knew. Finally! Someone already knew without me having to explain it to them. Then he said, "Out of all the medicines a person can be on for the rest of their life, Benzodiazepines are the worst. If you ever try to get off of them they are more difficult to recover from than ANY OTHER DRUG." THANK YOU! Finally! "They are more difficult to recover from than any other drug". It's the damn truth. And finally, a real person around here knew it.
ugh.
Alright. Calming down. I'm grumpy today. In case you can't tell. It's all part of it. I am just so damn tired. The truth of it is, my own fucking mother doesn't believe me. And that is weighing hard on my emotions right now. She came in and saw me with a cane and almost started laughing at me. 'Snickered with a grin', would be the right description. Out of everything that went down last night, I kept thinking to myself, 'this can't be happening, it can't be right, I must be imagining it with my benzo brain'. Nope. Unfortunately, I had a witness to it all. My daughter. When it was all said and done, my daughter said to me through tears, "I don't know what just happened, but I get it now". I asked her, "what just happened? am I crazy or did my mother really just say all that and was she really being that mean?"
"Yes. I saw it." she said.
Another validation. It's hard. It's really hard. For once, I had someone see it, hear it, and understand. I know my daughter, and I told her to please tell me the truth about what she heard and saw. I told her not to 'take my side' just because I'm her mom. I told her that I really needed to know if it was all real, because it was pretty bad. My 13 year old agreed. She saw the side that I've seen. My daughter was angry and hurt as well. My daughter is the only one that has seen me go through this every step of the way. She keeps me smiling. She's my reason to keep going. I feel so scared and alone but I always have her. I have to keep it all inside, I can't have her knowing the pain I'm in physically and emotionally. She doesn't need the added stress either.
Anyhoo...
I'm not going to keep on with all that nonsense. But here are some links to the latest videos I've posted showing my 'condition' with Benzo Withdrawal. Get the hell off anti-anxiety meds, ya'll.
June 24, 2014 Walking: Day 2 Holding dose at .25mg
June 25, 2014 When the dose wears off, 12 hours later
June 25, 2014 BAD WALK Day 3 of Holding .25mg dose
June 26, 2014 DAILY TASK. PAYING A BILL WITH BENZO BRAIN
So yeah, I am again not feeling all that great and haven't written in a while. I have hit a wall in my taper from Klonopin and it is super duper hard to keep going and keep a fucking smile on my face.
The worst part of all this is the 'non-believers'. People that think I am just making all this shit up for funzies. That blows my damn mind. And it hurts like a bitch. What kind of person would do that? What exactly is it that I have to gain from "pretending" to not be able to walk and talk at times? Or not being able to read and write properly? Or not being able to understand or hear things? Or not being able to get out of bed? What do I have to gain? And why would I "pretend" to do it 24/7, even when I'm alone all day? How does a person do that? And why? I mean, really. What do I have to gain from pretending to have these symptoms? I'm not going to get famous by my videos, I don't want to. If that was my plan, I probably would have put a little make up on first, or even bathed. I do my videos for YOU. Yes, YOU. So you people will know what it's really like to go through this. Words don't help. You need to see.
So far, what I have gained from going through this for 50 days is..... nothing. Except an insight to mental and physical disabilities.
I've lost my health
I've lost my strength
I've lost friends
I've lost family
I've lost my savings
I've lost my fucking mind
I'm about to lose my job
I'm about to lose my ability to drive a car
I can't go to the fucking grocery store because I cannot walk that far
I have to use a fucking granny cane to get around
I am stared at constantly every where I go
I can't enjoy the summer with my daughter
I can't go out with friends
I can't dance anymore
I can't cook a full meal
I can't take a fucking shower
I haven't shaved my legs for 50 days. Yup. That's the least of my worries
I can't eat a full meal...
I can't get people to understand what this is, and what I'm going through. I am constantly judged and even laughed at for what I look like and how I have to get around. Yet, all I can do is shut the fuck up, keep a god damn smile on my face and keep going. Keep going through hell so I can come out clean on the other side.
If I break down, my world breaks down with me. It's already crumbling. If I can't laugh at myself when I walk like a fucking zombie, my child will see, and be scared shitless and she will go down. If I can't stay calm and blow all these symptoms off as though it's "Just another day in Benzo Land", my daughter will be terrified and depressed and just as angry at the world as I am inside.
I have to keep my wits about me for my daughters sake, and mine. I have to keep my happy mask on, when in reality I am crying like a sick baby inside and scared for my life.
Right now, I have to put on my war face. I have to stand up, (with my cane), and keep climbing this mountain all by myself and knock all the fuckers who don't believe me down. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with these people. I cannot be brought down anymore that I am.
Every day is a battle beyond belief, unless you have lived it. PEOPLE DON'T KNOW. Doctors don't know. I am in a constant battle to get people to believe me and get validation from anyone. For instance, last night my doctor told me to go to the ER for a CT scan to make sure I had not had a stroke. (all part of withdrawals) The doctors at the ER had no idea what I was talking about when I said, "I'm in Benzo Withdrawal". They couldn't wrap their dumbass heads around it. Until finally, a new nurse was sent to my room. The nurse said, "I decided to switch with the other guy because I know about Benzodiazepine Withdrawals." I could not have been more relieved. He knew. Finally! Someone already knew without me having to explain it to them. Then he said, "Out of all the medicines a person can be on for the rest of their life, Benzodiazepines are the worst. If you ever try to get off of them they are more difficult to recover from than ANY OTHER DRUG." THANK YOU! Finally! "They are more difficult to recover from than any other drug". It's the damn truth. And finally, a real person around here knew it.
ugh.
Alright. Calming down. I'm grumpy today. In case you can't tell. It's all part of it. I am just so damn tired. The truth of it is, my own fucking mother doesn't believe me. And that is weighing hard on my emotions right now. She came in and saw me with a cane and almost started laughing at me. 'Snickered with a grin', would be the right description. Out of everything that went down last night, I kept thinking to myself, 'this can't be happening, it can't be right, I must be imagining it with my benzo brain'. Nope. Unfortunately, I had a witness to it all. My daughter. When it was all said and done, my daughter said to me through tears, "I don't know what just happened, but I get it now". I asked her, "what just happened? am I crazy or did my mother really just say all that and was she really being that mean?"
"Yes. I saw it." she said.
Another validation. It's hard. It's really hard. For once, I had someone see it, hear it, and understand. I know my daughter, and I told her to please tell me the truth about what she heard and saw. I told her not to 'take my side' just because I'm her mom. I told her that I really needed to know if it was all real, because it was pretty bad. My 13 year old agreed. She saw the side that I've seen. My daughter was angry and hurt as well. My daughter is the only one that has seen me go through this every step of the way. She keeps me smiling. She's my reason to keep going. I feel so scared and alone but I always have her. I have to keep it all inside, I can't have her knowing the pain I'm in physically and emotionally. She doesn't need the added stress either.
Anyhoo...
I'm not going to keep on with all that nonsense. But here are some links to the latest videos I've posted showing my 'condition' with Benzo Withdrawal. Get the hell off anti-anxiety meds, ya'll.
June 24, 2014 Walking: Day 2 Holding dose at .25mg
June 25, 2014 When the dose wears off, 12 hours later
June 25, 2014 BAD WALK Day 3 of Holding .25mg dose
June 26, 2014 DAILY TASK. PAYING A BILL WITH BENZO BRAIN
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Day 44: Little Note from The Coo Coo's Nest
Day 44.
I haven't written here in a while. I feel pretty lousy, and I don't think I will be getting better any time soon. My brain is a hot mess of thoughts going from anger to confusion, crying to laughing and then straight up inability to speak. So instead of trying to type a long post, I'm just going to copy and paste from my Facebook wall, of some things that have happened since we last spoke.
June 18.
I was just offered the best job, at the best facility, with the best rate of pay ever and I had to turn it down
June 19.
I'm following in the footsteps of others going through Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome by posting this, it is my final plea for those of you that are still in my life. This is information you need to know about the person I am today...
I am not the same person that I was when we met. I'm not the same person I was when you last saw me. I'm not the same person I was the last time you spoke to me. That may be two days ago, two weeks ago, or two years ago. I'm going through a transition, and I honestly do not know when or what the outcome will be. There are days when I cannot understand simple instructions, I cannot understand people when they speak to me, I cannot put simple words together to make a sentence. There are days when I cannot walk without my legs shaking and almost knocking me over. There are days when I cannot eat. On most days I do not sleep. I cannot recognize my own hand in front of me. Pictures on my wall seem to move with a breeze that's not there. Loud noises, telephone rings, my dog barking, my cat's meow in the middle of the night, all these simple sounds put me in a tailspin of psychosis that I cannot understand or explain. My emotions run high and low, I'm more sensitive on some days, and on others I don't care about anything. Every single day for me is a battle to survive. A battle to eat, sleep, keep up with basic personal hygiene and small tasks. I cannot remember the last time I cooked a real meal. I cannot remember the last time I took a shower instead of a shallow bath. I cannot remember the last time I was able to drive my car for more than 20 minutes. I cannot remember the last time I was able to turn up the volume when my favorite song came on the radio. I may look healthy and normal on the outside, but believe me, inside is much different. Some days I can pass for normal, but most days I can't get out of bed. But here are some things that I know, and some things most of you do not know, about me.
I am not mentally ill. I am not a basket case. I am not crazy. I am not seeking attention. I am not a hypochondriac. I am not someone to be afraid of. I am not a drug addict. I am not lazy. I am not a liar. And I am certainly not full of shit and making everything up. For those of you that have completely ignored or disbelieved what I'm going through, please dismiss yourself from my life. I do not need any added stress or insult to injury. I am trying to heal. If you choose to not research benzo withdrawal syndrome, if you choose to not look at a single link that I have posted for you to educate yourself, if you choose to live in your world and judge me, then again please dismiss yourself from my life. It is extremely difficult for me to stay strong and stay positive while feeling the way that I do, and while trying to accept the changes that my body is going through. I have become disabled. I realized that the way I walk, the way I speak, and the way I handle things is a lot like the people I have taken care of in my line of work. These symptoms of withdrawal are not a choice. It is my choice to endure them so I can be healthy once again. If I was an addict I would continue to put poison into my body daily as the doctors have told me to do, just in order to not go through this. I am choosing to do this. It is my choice and I'm sticking by it. You cannot take the symptoms away, but if you want to help me, all you have to do is believe me. Believe the millions of others across the world that are going through the same thing. Join a group, do some research, it is not difficult. I'm tired of trying to explain myself, I'm tired of people thinking I'm crazy or that I'm exaggerating what I'm going through. There is only one person on this earth right now that has seen firsthand what I am personally going through, and if you are not that person then you don't know. I have lost many friends due to this drug, it won't make a difference if I lose more. Please add yourself to the list if you are not supportive and if you do not believe me. The added stress of people talking behind my back does not help me and you are not wanted in my life. I'm doing everything I can to survive. It would be so much easier if I kept taking this pill, it would be so much easier if I filed for disability and never worked again, it would be so much easier if I went to the doctor and got put on another drug to help relieve my withdrawal symptoms. But I will not do that. I post something almost every day about what I'm going through, not to seek attention, but to educate you on the dangers of Benzo drugs. No one told me about it, and I'm spending my time trying to warn all of you. The only people I want in my life are positive and supportive people. I am not asking anyone to hold my hand or to take care of me, I am asking you to believe me. I am asking you to read ONE article about what I'm going through. I am asking you to stop judging me. Just leave me be and let me heal without negativity. If you cannot do that, please dismiss yourself from my life. I am not writing this while angry, I'm not writing this to any specific person, I am writing this for everyone that is living in denial or ignorance about what this drug has done to me and millions of others. Educate yourself before you judge anyone.
June 20.
My original dose of 1mg Klonopin and the dose I tapered down to, .25mg. It's amazing what happens to me if I don't take that little crumb of .25mg
June 20.
Short video on what happens when I don't take my .25mg dose
Get off this shit, ya'll. I am seeing way to many similarities between myself and my patients. I took care of people that are developmentally disabled, have brain injuries, and elderly patients with dementia. It rots your brains on a level that is criminal.
I haven't written here in a while. I feel pretty lousy, and I don't think I will be getting better any time soon. My brain is a hot mess of thoughts going from anger to confusion, crying to laughing and then straight up inability to speak. So instead of trying to type a long post, I'm just going to copy and paste from my Facebook wall, of some things that have happened since we last spoke.
June 18.
I was just offered the best job, at the best facility, with the best rate of pay ever and I had to turn it down
June 19.
I'm following in the footsteps of others going through Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome by posting this, it is my final plea for those of you that are still in my life. This is information you need to know about the person I am today...
I am not the same person that I was when we met. I'm not the same person I was when you last saw me. I'm not the same person I was the last time you spoke to me. That may be two days ago, two weeks ago, or two years ago. I'm going through a transition, and I honestly do not know when or what the outcome will be. There are days when I cannot understand simple instructions, I cannot understand people when they speak to me, I cannot put simple words together to make a sentence. There are days when I cannot walk without my legs shaking and almost knocking me over. There are days when I cannot eat. On most days I do not sleep. I cannot recognize my own hand in front of me. Pictures on my wall seem to move with a breeze that's not there. Loud noises, telephone rings, my dog barking, my cat's meow in the middle of the night, all these simple sounds put me in a tailspin of psychosis that I cannot understand or explain. My emotions run high and low, I'm more sensitive on some days, and on others I don't care about anything. Every single day for me is a battle to survive. A battle to eat, sleep, keep up with basic personal hygiene and small tasks. I cannot remember the last time I cooked a real meal. I cannot remember the last time I took a shower instead of a shallow bath. I cannot remember the last time I was able to drive my car for more than 20 minutes. I cannot remember the last time I was able to turn up the volume when my favorite song came on the radio. I may look healthy and normal on the outside, but believe me, inside is much different. Some days I can pass for normal, but most days I can't get out of bed. But here are some things that I know, and some things most of you do not know, about me.
I am not mentally ill. I am not a basket case. I am not crazy. I am not seeking attention. I am not a hypochondriac. I am not someone to be afraid of. I am not a drug addict. I am not lazy. I am not a liar. And I am certainly not full of shit and making everything up. For those of you that have completely ignored or disbelieved what I'm going through, please dismiss yourself from my life. I do not need any added stress or insult to injury. I am trying to heal. If you choose to not research benzo withdrawal syndrome, if you choose to not look at a single link that I have posted for you to educate yourself, if you choose to live in your world and judge me, then again please dismiss yourself from my life. It is extremely difficult for me to stay strong and stay positive while feeling the way that I do, and while trying to accept the changes that my body is going through. I have become disabled. I realized that the way I walk, the way I speak, and the way I handle things is a lot like the people I have taken care of in my line of work. These symptoms of withdrawal are not a choice. It is my choice to endure them so I can be healthy once again. If I was an addict I would continue to put poison into my body daily as the doctors have told me to do, just in order to not go through this. I am choosing to do this. It is my choice and I'm sticking by it. You cannot take the symptoms away, but if you want to help me, all you have to do is believe me. Believe the millions of others across the world that are going through the same thing. Join a group, do some research, it is not difficult. I'm tired of trying to explain myself, I'm tired of people thinking I'm crazy or that I'm exaggerating what I'm going through. There is only one person on this earth right now that has seen firsthand what I am personally going through, and if you are not that person then you don't know. I have lost many friends due to this drug, it won't make a difference if I lose more. Please add yourself to the list if you are not supportive and if you do not believe me. The added stress of people talking behind my back does not help me and you are not wanted in my life. I'm doing everything I can to survive. It would be so much easier if I kept taking this pill, it would be so much easier if I filed for disability and never worked again, it would be so much easier if I went to the doctor and got put on another drug to help relieve my withdrawal symptoms. But I will not do that. I post something almost every day about what I'm going through, not to seek attention, but to educate you on the dangers of Benzo drugs. No one told me about it, and I'm spending my time trying to warn all of you. The only people I want in my life are positive and supportive people. I am not asking anyone to hold my hand or to take care of me, I am asking you to believe me. I am asking you to read ONE article about what I'm going through. I am asking you to stop judging me. Just leave me be and let me heal without negativity. If you cannot do that, please dismiss yourself from my life. I am not writing this while angry, I'm not writing this to any specific person, I am writing this for everyone that is living in denial or ignorance about what this drug has done to me and millions of others. Educate yourself before you judge anyone.
June 20.
My original dose of 1mg Klonopin and the dose I tapered down to, .25mg. It's amazing what happens to me if I don't take that little crumb of .25mg
June 20.
Short video on what happens when I don't take my .25mg dose
Get off this shit, ya'll. I am seeing way to many similarities between myself and my patients. I took care of people that are developmentally disabled, have brain injuries, and elderly patients with dementia. It rots your brains on a level that is criminal.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Day 40: I am tired.
Day 40. Nice even number.
I'm pretty emotional today. I have been depressed or angry most of the day. The memories from my past that keep coming into my head are very upsetting to me. I know we aren't suppose to "dwell on the past", but I'm just now remembering the past...so... yeah. It sucks. Yes, I am getting off the hellish Benzo drug, Klonopin, but lets not forget that I also have stopped drinking as well. I was not an alcoholic, but I have drank socially since I was 17ish. I have had bouts of 'sobriety' a few times, but I think I was taking an antidepressant or some shit at those times too. Basically, this is the first time in my life that I have been sober, in every way, in many years. I just have waves of memories flood over me out of nowhere all the time. I have had flashbacks and memories from my childhood that I had forgotten, along with realizations of other memories. It's like seeing things from a different point of view. A sober, clean minds point of view. Things that didn't seem like a big deal at the time, I think of it now and it's disturbing and sad. All of this is a normal part of Benzo withdrawal. My brain is healing.
I have not had a terrible life at all. But I have had a pretty rough one, that's for damn sure. Pregnant at 19, father of my child killed at 20, married an abusive man, twice divorced by 27, lost two fiance's, two babies, numerous jobs and dependent on Klonopin by 33. Ehh... that pretty much sums up my adult life so far. I just can't get my shit together. And that's depressing. But as look back now, with my clean brain, I realize that I was on a prescription drug or drinking through all of this.
I was put on my first antidepressant at age 17. Prozac. Yup, some dumbass put me on Prozac at 17. That, of course, made me crazy and made me act in ways I never would have before. So they tried another drug, then another, and another. Til after my first husband, I got off the prescriptions and started to drink on and off.
So yeah. Prescription drugs and alcohol have been a part of my life since I was a teenager. *BOOM* Just put that together in my head. I never, EVER abused the prescription drugs, I was always afraid of them. But I certainly had my fare share of getting my drink on there for a while. So it's the first time in almost 20 years that I am not putting poison in my body. Well, I take that back, technically I still am because I have to take my .25mg of Klonopin a day.
This whole experience has really changed me, and I'm not even finished yet. It's like I have woken up and noticed that someone has just made a mess of my life and I now have to clean it up. I have to start from the beginning. I have to get a new job, new budget, new friends... everything. I have been excited about all of this, but it's also terrifying! I want to be on my own. I don't want help from anyone, I don't want other people to make my choices for me, I want to do it on my own and trust my own instinct... knowing now that I have a clean brain and body. All my life I have been told what to do and how to live, if I didn't do it their way I was cut off and scolded. And when I did do it their way it ruined my life and I was miserable.
I have to live for me now. I am choosing to get off this drug. I am choosing to get a new job. I am choosing what field of work I'm going to do. I am choosing how I spend my money. I am choosing how to save my money. I am choosing how my daughter and I are going to live. And one day, I will choose WHERE my daughter and I will live.
I am tired of living under a thumb. I am tired of being looked at like I'm a screw up. I am tired of knowing that my family is sick and tired of looking at me and that they think that I am a disappointment. I am tired of feeling unloved and unwanted by people that could never have survived what I have been through. I am tired of being judged and put down. I am tired of having to do things YOUR WAY. I'm just plain tired. And I'm ready to get away from all of this, and away from all the negative people. I am leaving this shitty life with people that don't support me and people that ignore me, and I'm entering a life that I create with my own positive emotions and strength.
You are not invited.
I'm pretty emotional today. I have been depressed or angry most of the day. The memories from my past that keep coming into my head are very upsetting to me. I know we aren't suppose to "dwell on the past", but I'm just now remembering the past...so... yeah. It sucks. Yes, I am getting off the hellish Benzo drug, Klonopin, but lets not forget that I also have stopped drinking as well. I was not an alcoholic, but I have drank socially since I was 17ish. I have had bouts of 'sobriety' a few times, but I think I was taking an antidepressant or some shit at those times too. Basically, this is the first time in my life that I have been sober, in every way, in many years. I just have waves of memories flood over me out of nowhere all the time. I have had flashbacks and memories from my childhood that I had forgotten, along with realizations of other memories. It's like seeing things from a different point of view. A sober, clean minds point of view. Things that didn't seem like a big deal at the time, I think of it now and it's disturbing and sad. All of this is a normal part of Benzo withdrawal. My brain is healing.
I have not had a terrible life at all. But I have had a pretty rough one, that's for damn sure. Pregnant at 19, father of my child killed at 20, married an abusive man, twice divorced by 27, lost two fiance's, two babies, numerous jobs and dependent on Klonopin by 33. Ehh... that pretty much sums up my adult life so far. I just can't get my shit together. And that's depressing. But as look back now, with my clean brain, I realize that I was on a prescription drug or drinking through all of this.
I was put on my first antidepressant at age 17. Prozac. Yup, some dumbass put me on Prozac at 17. That, of course, made me crazy and made me act in ways I never would have before. So they tried another drug, then another, and another. Til after my first husband, I got off the prescriptions and started to drink on and off.
So yeah. Prescription drugs and alcohol have been a part of my life since I was a teenager. *BOOM* Just put that together in my head. I never, EVER abused the prescription drugs, I was always afraid of them. But I certainly had my fare share of getting my drink on there for a while. So it's the first time in almost 20 years that I am not putting poison in my body. Well, I take that back, technically I still am because I have to take my .25mg of Klonopin a day.
This whole experience has really changed me, and I'm not even finished yet. It's like I have woken up and noticed that someone has just made a mess of my life and I now have to clean it up. I have to start from the beginning. I have to get a new job, new budget, new friends... everything. I have been excited about all of this, but it's also terrifying! I want to be on my own. I don't want help from anyone, I don't want other people to make my choices for me, I want to do it on my own and trust my own instinct... knowing now that I have a clean brain and body. All my life I have been told what to do and how to live, if I didn't do it their way I was cut off and scolded. And when I did do it their way it ruined my life and I was miserable.
I have to live for me now. I am choosing to get off this drug. I am choosing to get a new job. I am choosing what field of work I'm going to do. I am choosing how I spend my money. I am choosing how to save my money. I am choosing how my daughter and I are going to live. And one day, I will choose WHERE my daughter and I will live.
I am tired of living under a thumb. I am tired of being looked at like I'm a screw up. I am tired of knowing that my family is sick and tired of looking at me and that they think that I am a disappointment. I am tired of feeling unloved and unwanted by people that could never have survived what I have been through. I am tired of being judged and put down. I am tired of having to do things YOUR WAY. I'm just plain tired. And I'm ready to get away from all of this, and away from all the negative people. I am leaving this shitty life with people that don't support me and people that ignore me, and I'm entering a life that I create with my own positive emotions and strength.
You are not invited.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Day 39: Another One Bites the Dust
Day 39. Well, shit.
Here's an update for ya...last we spoke I mentioned that I had become cocky. 'Tis true. I got cocky. I thought I was one in a million that had it good and it was so simple to get off Klonopin in a month or two. I was wrong.
Over the past 39 days I have made it down from 1mg of Klonopin to .25mg of Klonopin. 1/4 of my original dose. Shit gets real around this time.
My last entry was on my 37th day, and I recall mentioning how I was twitching and had some anxiety and an overall feeling of shit. Well, that feeling never ended that day. In fact, it got worse. By 7pm I was shaking. I was freezing and couldn't get warm, I was twitching, my leg was kicking kinda on its own, couldn't breathe and what not...yadda yadda yadda....I had a panic attack. Yes, kids, I had a full blown, bullshit panic attack. I cannot remember the last time I had one.
I tried for over an hour to calm myself down. I told myself that it was just withdrawals from the drug, and that I was ok. But as most of you know, when you are panicking, you are an irrational idiot and you can think of nothing else but your own death and doom.
After an hour, I caved. I was scared, my daughter was scared, so I took half a pill. An hour after that, my body was still clenched like a fist, so I took another .25mg of my pill. All that, plus the .25mg I had taken that morning, equals 1mg. I was back to my original dose.
Que the music: *womp womp waah*
Needless to say, I was none too happy about it. I felt like a failure, and I felt pretty pissed. All the anger towards my doctors and the drug came washing back over me. The reality of the strength and power this drug has over my body hit me like a charging bull. Quite humbling, I'd say. I am not one in a million that has it easy, I'm just like everyone else, and the drug is going to treat me as such.
After I had taken the .75mg, I finally calmed down. And I noticed the drug in me and how it felt. I felt numb. I felt just like I was doing the motions of life. And I realized that is how I have been living life for the past 3 years while on this shit.
The next morning, I woke up with swollen fingers. That's a sensation I haven't felt in a while. I used to wake up like that every day, I figured I had too much salt in my diet. (even though I don't use much salt) NOPE, just a side effect of Klonopin that I never noticed. I also woke up jittery with anxiety, and depressed. Like, super depressed, crying at commercials. Also, my acid reflux/heartburn had returned and I was rude to strangers. Yes, rude to strangers. All too familiar. I cannot believe I have lived like this for so long! No wonder I had to keep taking the damn pill! It made me feel anxious and depressed! No wonder the doctors thought I needed antidepressants and mood stabilizers! This shit caused it all! Assholes. I hate this drug.
So here I am, the day after that. Today I went back to my .25mg I was on before the panic attack. Hopefully it can stay that way. I think that along with the withdrawals, the panic attack was caused because I was on the 5th day of holding the same dose, and because of some stress and drama I had the day before. By the 5th day of holding, more of the drug is getting out of your system and withdrawals hit harder, that combined with the stress and drama just did me in.
Funny thing about this is, just like any illness, you have to rest. But not only do you have to rest your body and stay in bed, you have to rest your mind. Seriously. The last time I had to up my dose was after I had a random bit of stress and drama. You cannot think about shit. You cannot have the slightest bit of nonsense in your life or you will be knocked back on your ass. That's pretty hard to avoid. Especially if you are still working and living in the real world. Lucky for me, I work part time from home and don't get out much.
Moral of the story is..... I'm still here, trying my damnedest to get off this shit. I have had some set backs, some scary moments and some wake up calls, but all in all it's still worth it. I never know what is going to happen and I cannot get cocky or try to over-do it with my body AND my brain. Chill. I must chill. I must relax and breathe easy. But it can be done!! I shall try again. There's nothing else to do but keep going.
Here's an update for ya...last we spoke I mentioned that I had become cocky. 'Tis true. I got cocky. I thought I was one in a million that had it good and it was so simple to get off Klonopin in a month or two. I was wrong.
Over the past 39 days I have made it down from 1mg of Klonopin to .25mg of Klonopin. 1/4 of my original dose. Shit gets real around this time.
My last entry was on my 37th day, and I recall mentioning how I was twitching and had some anxiety and an overall feeling of shit. Well, that feeling never ended that day. In fact, it got worse. By 7pm I was shaking. I was freezing and couldn't get warm, I was twitching, my leg was kicking kinda on its own, couldn't breathe and what not...yadda yadda yadda....I had a panic attack. Yes, kids, I had a full blown, bullshit panic attack. I cannot remember the last time I had one.
I tried for over an hour to calm myself down. I told myself that it was just withdrawals from the drug, and that I was ok. But as most of you know, when you are panicking, you are an irrational idiot and you can think of nothing else but your own death and doom.
After an hour, I caved. I was scared, my daughter was scared, so I took half a pill. An hour after that, my body was still clenched like a fist, so I took another .25mg of my pill. All that, plus the .25mg I had taken that morning, equals 1mg. I was back to my original dose.
Que the music: *womp womp waah*
Needless to say, I was none too happy about it. I felt like a failure, and I felt pretty pissed. All the anger towards my doctors and the drug came washing back over me. The reality of the strength and power this drug has over my body hit me like a charging bull. Quite humbling, I'd say. I am not one in a million that has it easy, I'm just like everyone else, and the drug is going to treat me as such.
After I had taken the .75mg, I finally calmed down. And I noticed the drug in me and how it felt. I felt numb. I felt just like I was doing the motions of life. And I realized that is how I have been living life for the past 3 years while on this shit.
The next morning, I woke up with swollen fingers. That's a sensation I haven't felt in a while. I used to wake up like that every day, I figured I had too much salt in my diet. (even though I don't use much salt) NOPE, just a side effect of Klonopin that I never noticed. I also woke up jittery with anxiety, and depressed. Like, super depressed, crying at commercials. Also, my acid reflux/heartburn had returned and I was rude to strangers. Yes, rude to strangers. All too familiar. I cannot believe I have lived like this for so long! No wonder I had to keep taking the damn pill! It made me feel anxious and depressed! No wonder the doctors thought I needed antidepressants and mood stabilizers! This shit caused it all! Assholes. I hate this drug.
So here I am, the day after that. Today I went back to my .25mg I was on before the panic attack. Hopefully it can stay that way. I think that along with the withdrawals, the panic attack was caused because I was on the 5th day of holding the same dose, and because of some stress and drama I had the day before. By the 5th day of holding, more of the drug is getting out of your system and withdrawals hit harder, that combined with the stress and drama just did me in.
Funny thing about this is, just like any illness, you have to rest. But not only do you have to rest your body and stay in bed, you have to rest your mind. Seriously. The last time I had to up my dose was after I had a random bit of stress and drama. You cannot think about shit. You cannot have the slightest bit of nonsense in your life or you will be knocked back on your ass. That's pretty hard to avoid. Especially if you are still working and living in the real world. Lucky for me, I work part time from home and don't get out much.
Moral of the story is..... I'm still here, trying my damnedest to get off this shit. I have had some set backs, some scary moments and some wake up calls, but all in all it's still worth it. I never know what is going to happen and I cannot get cocky or try to over-do it with my body AND my brain. Chill. I must chill. I must relax and breathe easy. But it can be done!! I shall try again. There's nothing else to do but keep going.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Day 37: Don't get cocky.
Day 37.
I got cocky.
I have been holding my dose of .25mg of Klonopin for what...5 days now? Other than the insomnia, headaches, dizziness and nausea I have been doing very well. So well that I got all cocky and thought I was almost done and this whole thing would be behind me in no time. Well, no. I forgot how no matter what happens you cannot predict what this mess will do to you. *sigh*
So last night I couldn't sleep again, for about the 3rd day. But last night was different because I started to twitch. I have had some twitching before and I think I upped my dose, but I haven't done it this time. I was twitching all night long. I also started having anxiety again. I got short of breath, my chest felt heavy...all the usual signs of increased anxiety and panic. It has been so long since I have felt that feeling and it was not a welcomed one. I then started having irrational thoughts and fears about things that were 'wrong with me'. I started thinking I had fluid on my brain, a tumor, poor circulation, I was going to have a seizure and die from suffocating in my pillow... all those happy thoughts. But alas, I think I finally fell asleep around 3am, and then I was up by 8:30 this morning.
I still am twitching. I am nauseated and dry heaving. I am having anxiety and feel jittery all over. My right leg has started acting up again, it is so sore that it feels odd when I move it. My knee and ankle are almost numb from the pain in my joints. My shoulders and back are so tensed up that I am living with my heating pad on my back again.
This sucks. Part of me wants to go ahead and take my dose for today instead of waiting til this afternoon when I usually take it. Another part of me wants to double my dose, which would only be half a pill, so all of this would go away and I could have a great and active Saturday with my daughter.
Things could be so much easier. And it's hard to not just take my pill and make all this go away. But I KNOW that my pill will not make it disappear. It just causes an illusion. Just like pain pills don't cure your pain, they just mask it for a few hours.
I'm feeling low, yet still hopeful. I'm feeling scared, yet relieved. I'm feeling pain, but I know it's just poison leaving my body. I'm feeling guilty for going through all this around my daughter, but I know I have to do it in order to get our lives back.
I want to run away a lot. Over the past few weeks I have had so many dreams and thoughts and wishes to just sell everything I own and take off. Move to another state and start over. I'm not trying to run away from my problems, I just want to start over with a new life in a new place. I want to look out my window and see beauty, not a fence or another house. I want to look out my window with a sigh or relief and be full of a peace and happiness, instead of grunting and wishing I could leave. Or complaining about the neighbors, or the traffic and raised taxes. I want to be off the grid. Away from fake people, snobs, evil doctors, bratty kids, police sirens, criminals, rumors, gossip and drama. I actually want to be alone for the first time. Get out of town and stay there. So much stress is caused by daily living. We don't realize it until we stop and get away from the daily grind, or focus on getting rid of the stress.
Anyway. I just went into my dream world. I'm trying not to focus on all the pain and sickness I'm feeling right now. I have to suffer through it. It just goes to show that you cannot be sure what will happen with this drug. You never know what will happen or when. You can live a life with it. But you just have to keep going. I have have to keep going. This too, shall pass.
I got cocky.
I have been holding my dose of .25mg of Klonopin for what...5 days now? Other than the insomnia, headaches, dizziness and nausea I have been doing very well. So well that I got all cocky and thought I was almost done and this whole thing would be behind me in no time. Well, no. I forgot how no matter what happens you cannot predict what this mess will do to you. *sigh*
So last night I couldn't sleep again, for about the 3rd day. But last night was different because I started to twitch. I have had some twitching before and I think I upped my dose, but I haven't done it this time. I was twitching all night long. I also started having anxiety again. I got short of breath, my chest felt heavy...all the usual signs of increased anxiety and panic. It has been so long since I have felt that feeling and it was not a welcomed one. I then started having irrational thoughts and fears about things that were 'wrong with me'. I started thinking I had fluid on my brain, a tumor, poor circulation, I was going to have a seizure and die from suffocating in my pillow... all those happy thoughts. But alas, I think I finally fell asleep around 3am, and then I was up by 8:30 this morning.
I still am twitching. I am nauseated and dry heaving. I am having anxiety and feel jittery all over. My right leg has started acting up again, it is so sore that it feels odd when I move it. My knee and ankle are almost numb from the pain in my joints. My shoulders and back are so tensed up that I am living with my heating pad on my back again.
This sucks. Part of me wants to go ahead and take my dose for today instead of waiting til this afternoon when I usually take it. Another part of me wants to double my dose, which would only be half a pill, so all of this would go away and I could have a great and active Saturday with my daughter.
Things could be so much easier. And it's hard to not just take my pill and make all this go away. But I KNOW that my pill will not make it disappear. It just causes an illusion. Just like pain pills don't cure your pain, they just mask it for a few hours.
I'm feeling low, yet still hopeful. I'm feeling scared, yet relieved. I'm feeling pain, but I know it's just poison leaving my body. I'm feeling guilty for going through all this around my daughter, but I know I have to do it in order to get our lives back.
I want to run away a lot. Over the past few weeks I have had so many dreams and thoughts and wishes to just sell everything I own and take off. Move to another state and start over. I'm not trying to run away from my problems, I just want to start over with a new life in a new place. I want to look out my window and see beauty, not a fence or another house. I want to look out my window with a sigh or relief and be full of a peace and happiness, instead of grunting and wishing I could leave. Or complaining about the neighbors, or the traffic and raised taxes. I want to be off the grid. Away from fake people, snobs, evil doctors, bratty kids, police sirens, criminals, rumors, gossip and drama. I actually want to be alone for the first time. Get out of town and stay there. So much stress is caused by daily living. We don't realize it until we stop and get away from the daily grind, or focus on getting rid of the stress.
Anyway. I just went into my dream world. I'm trying not to focus on all the pain and sickness I'm feeling right now. I have to suffer through it. It just goes to show that you cannot be sure what will happen with this drug. You never know what will happen or when. You can live a life with it. But you just have to keep going. I have have to keep going. This too, shall pass.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Day 35: I think I'm almost done.
35 days and counting....
I'm in the home stretch, folks.
Last we spoke, 5 days ago(?), I was having problems with the liquid taper to get off my Klonopin so I was going to have to come up with some other idea.
WELL.
I keep track of my doses, withdrawal symptoms and the time I take my poison every day whether I blog or not. (I have no memory, remember)
After the failed liquid taper, I basically went coo-coo ca choo and ended up taking .5mg (half my original dose) later that evening. That, along with whatever small amount was in my liquid that morning got me feeling somewhat normal again.
To me, I had taken a step back. I didn't know how much medicine I had actually taken into my body because I just don't believe the liquid taper has as much in there as it is suppose to. So, I was a bit upset with myself.
However! The next day, I was fine all day. I didn't take ANY part of my poisonous Klonopin pill. I made it through a day. My skin was almost green it was so pale, I couldn't see, I think I hallucinated a few times, I was grumpy, I was dry heaving...all the fun stuff. But I made it.
So I tried to do it again the next day. Didn't work. I made it til 3pm and then I just had to take something. My vision was so impaired I couldn't see things right in front of me. My hearing was off, my skin went from pale white to red, blotchy and burning. My head was pounding, my ears were throbbing, I couldn't concentrate on anything. So I took 1/4 of my pill, .25mg. Now if you recall, that was the cut I was trying to make in the first place about a week or so ago, but it didn't work out so I tried the liquid.
Well, it's been 3 days now and I'm still going strong on .25mg. Just that tiny little bitty amount of Klonopin will keep me able to function normally for 24 hours. Today my daughter looked at me and said, "Umm Mom, your eyes are swollen". WELP! Must have hit the 24 hour mark! Gotta take my tiny piece of a pill for the day! I have gotten so used to the withdrawal symptoms that I can almost predict them. *knock wood* I know that after I cut my dose down, the first day I will be incredibly tired all day and nauseated and pale. On the second day, my face will get red and blotchy and burn like I've been in the sun way too long, and I will have headaches. On the third day, I will be sore and my eyes will swell up and I will have insomnia. Tomorrow, I predict that I will feel much better. My skin wont be so irritated, I may get some sleep, I will be able to eat a full meal again, and I will probably have a migraine or tingling sensations in my head. It's all signs of this shit getting out of my body and me healing.
I welcome the withdrawal symptoms. Because I know it is just that, WITHDRAWAL. The poison is leaving my body and it's not happy about it. But I am. My memory has continued to get better every day, my anxiety is almost non existent, I laugh more, I feel more, and I have goals again. I can't wait to be healed completely so I can start over. Get a FULL TIME job. Get back to working hard and making money and going on trips with my daughter. Get a manicure and a pedicure. (I REALLY miss that one) Get out of the house and live again. I am so excited about my future now, because before I was just a drone living the same year over and over again. I am getting my life back, and so is my daughter. I can already tell a difference in her as well. She is getting her mom back.
But I tell ya, it sucks getting off this poison. It really does. I am extremely lucky to have been able to do it in a month or two, for a lot of people it takes years. It's the hardest thing I've done, and the scariest. But it's worth it. All of it. It's just like having a child. Pregnancy sucks, it seems to last forever, you feel like shit, then you have labor which is worse... but in the end, you have a new life. And it's worth it. You would do it all over again to get the result.
I am so happy and proud of myself for finally coming to my senses and getting off this drug. The reward is better than anything I can imagine. Please, get off your Benzo drug or anti-depressant. It's not worth your life. There is help on Facebook and right here. You can do it.
I'm in the home stretch, folks.
Last we spoke, 5 days ago(?), I was having problems with the liquid taper to get off my Klonopin so I was going to have to come up with some other idea.
WELL.
I keep track of my doses, withdrawal symptoms and the time I take my poison every day whether I blog or not. (I have no memory, remember)
After the failed liquid taper, I basically went coo-coo ca choo and ended up taking .5mg (half my original dose) later that evening. That, along with whatever small amount was in my liquid that morning got me feeling somewhat normal again.
To me, I had taken a step back. I didn't know how much medicine I had actually taken into my body because I just don't believe the liquid taper has as much in there as it is suppose to. So, I was a bit upset with myself.
However! The next day, I was fine all day. I didn't take ANY part of my poisonous Klonopin pill. I made it through a day. My skin was almost green it was so pale, I couldn't see, I think I hallucinated a few times, I was grumpy, I was dry heaving...all the fun stuff. But I made it.
So I tried to do it again the next day. Didn't work. I made it til 3pm and then I just had to take something. My vision was so impaired I couldn't see things right in front of me. My hearing was off, my skin went from pale white to red, blotchy and burning. My head was pounding, my ears were throbbing, I couldn't concentrate on anything. So I took 1/4 of my pill, .25mg. Now if you recall, that was the cut I was trying to make in the first place about a week or so ago, but it didn't work out so I tried the liquid.
Well, it's been 3 days now and I'm still going strong on .25mg. Just that tiny little bitty amount of Klonopin will keep me able to function normally for 24 hours. Today my daughter looked at me and said, "Umm Mom, your eyes are swollen". WELP! Must have hit the 24 hour mark! Gotta take my tiny piece of a pill for the day! I have gotten so used to the withdrawal symptoms that I can almost predict them. *knock wood* I know that after I cut my dose down, the first day I will be incredibly tired all day and nauseated and pale. On the second day, my face will get red and blotchy and burn like I've been in the sun way too long, and I will have headaches. On the third day, I will be sore and my eyes will swell up and I will have insomnia. Tomorrow, I predict that I will feel much better. My skin wont be so irritated, I may get some sleep, I will be able to eat a full meal again, and I will probably have a migraine or tingling sensations in my head. It's all signs of this shit getting out of my body and me healing.
I welcome the withdrawal symptoms. Because I know it is just that, WITHDRAWAL. The poison is leaving my body and it's not happy about it. But I am. My memory has continued to get better every day, my anxiety is almost non existent, I laugh more, I feel more, and I have goals again. I can't wait to be healed completely so I can start over. Get a FULL TIME job. Get back to working hard and making money and going on trips with my daughter. Get a manicure and a pedicure. (I REALLY miss that one) Get out of the house and live again. I am so excited about my future now, because before I was just a drone living the same year over and over again. I am getting my life back, and so is my daughter. I can already tell a difference in her as well. She is getting her mom back.
But I tell ya, it sucks getting off this poison. It really does. I am extremely lucky to have been able to do it in a month or two, for a lot of people it takes years. It's the hardest thing I've done, and the scariest. But it's worth it. All of it. It's just like having a child. Pregnancy sucks, it seems to last forever, you feel like shit, then you have labor which is worse... but in the end, you have a new life. And it's worth it. You would do it all over again to get the result.
I am so happy and proud of myself for finally coming to my senses and getting off this drug. The reward is better than anything I can imagine. Please, get off your Benzo drug or anti-depressant. It's not worth your life. There is help on Facebook and right here. You can do it.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Day 31: Live and Learn. If you can remember...
ugh. Day 31. I'm over it.
So when I last wrote to you all, I believe that I was feeling incredibly ill and was debating on whether or not I should cut my dose again. I was down to .5mg of Klonopin, from my original dose of 1mg, and I had been holding on to that dose for a little over a week. WELL. Lets see what you've missed shall we?
I decided that I was going to keep going down on my dose. So the next day (day 28) I cut my dose in half. I cut down to .25mg. I took it in the morning and 4 hours later I was shaking and twitching. Yes, TWITCHING. Uncontrollable muscle movements like you wouldn't believe. Then the crazy hit me, I felt like I was going insane. It's like I want to cry, but then again I want to scream and turn into the Wolverine and break things. So, needless to say, that wasn't working and I took the other half of my dose.
So then I was thinking, "what to do, what to do". I can't just stay at .5mg forever, I have to keep tapering off this godforsaken bullshit pill. So it was my brilliant idea to try to do the liquid taper again.
Now, for those of you that haven't heard, a liquid taper is when you dissolve your pill in a certain amount of water and take out 1 milliliter of water a day. It is suppose to be the best way to taper off this medication because it is super slow and has the least amount of side effects and withdrawal symptoms. Yeah, well, whatever. I tried it in the beginning, and it DID NOT work for me. It felt like I just quit cold turkey and I thought I was going to die. But for some reason, I thought it would work well for me this time.
Did I mention that memory loss, confusion and brain damage is a side effect and withdrawal symptom??
So yeah. On day 29, I dissolved my .5mg of Klonopin in 150ml of water, shook it up real good and pulled out 1ml of water with a syringe. Then I drank what was left and that was to be my dose for the day. Oh, and I also decided to do this on a day when I had a friend that was having surgery and I had to be at the hospital most of the day and drive my friend around.
Idiot. What the hell was I thinking?
I went crazy. I was completely exhausted, I was super grumpy and snippy, my face and eyes were swelling up again, my body ached....oh my god it was bad. But I made it through the day and went to sleep without taking another dose. By the end of the day (in my brilliant, non brain damaged mind), I figured I was just tired and grumpy because I had been busy and had to get up early. Yeah, right.
So the next day, day 30, I did the liquid taper again. And this time I took out 2ml of water. Well, I drank my dose at 9am. By 3pm I was having crazy mood swings and was having a hard time talking and understanding people when they spoke. I also was having some anxiety. So at 3pm, I took part of my pill, .25 to be exact. And by 9pm, I was in complete crazy city. I was hallucinating, I couldn't read or see words, noises and sounds were hurting my eyes, ears and head, and I had the psychosis happening. I was nuts. Then I just started crying. I don't know why, it just happened. I wasn't sobbing, I was just leaking tears uncontrollably. So at 9pm, I took the other part of my pill, .25mg again. Then I was fine.
Yeah. The liquid taper DOES NOT WORK FOR ME AT ALL. Bad idea. Today, day 31, I just took my usual .5mg and I've been doing pretty good. I'm sore and tired and my face is still swollen, some burning skin and sore joints...but that's from the shit I put my body through the past 2 days. It's an injury to my body. It really is. We have to take the time to let our brains and bodies heal after this shit.
So tomorrow, I will try again. Maybe cutting, maybe something else. But I will figure it out. When doing this, you HAVE to listen to your body. Everyone is different. It blows peoples minds that the liquid taper doesn't work for me, and that I have come so far so fast. But that's me! Sorry if it's not you. I guess I am lucky to be able to do this so quickly. It takes years for most people. But it can be done and it WILL be done. I just have to find what works for me.
Gotta keep going!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Day 27: Why? Just...WHY.
Day 27. Almost a month of trying to get off this god forsaken Benzo drug called Klonopin.
I haven't been posting daily, as you all can see, because I just don't see the point. Now, I'm doing more of an update thing, so to speak.
So here's the update from the past 6 days.
When I last posted I was on .5mg of Klonopin. That is half of my original dose. Other than the rush of emotions, insomnia, mood swings, sore muscles and stiff joints (just to name a few), I actually have been doing quite well. Until today.
I have been holding at .5mg for 9 days now, I think. The first 3 days after I went down to .5 were pretty rough, as I already knew they would be, and then the withdrawal symptoms lightened up. I have been doing very well for the past 3 or 4 days, other than little things here and there. I'm sitting here thinking I am such a badass and I'm flying through this with no problems, look at me go, I'm hardcore...blah blah blah. Well today is kicking my ass.
I have been so nauseated all day today and had a migraine all morning. And it's one thing to be a little nauseated, but I've been dry heaving as well. Where the hell did this come from?? I have been FINE! But that's Benzos for ya! It's a bully. A big ass mother fucking bully that will leave you alone just long enough for you to get comfortable then sneak up behind you and knock yo ass down! Then steal your money and laugh. Really, that's what it feels like.
And what do I do about it? That's my question for today. I was going to keep holding my dose at .5 for a while before I cut it down again, but now I don't know what to do. I mean, I already feel like shit, why not just cut my dose again? Or just flush all the pills down the damn drain! I mean, shit man! I'm not happy.
I thought I had this done. I thought I was trucking along, kicking Benzos ass, and getting healed. On the contrary. I don't know what's going on in my body. I'm having the tingling sensations in my head again, dizziness, mood swings, headaches, body aches, Benzo belly...all the shit all over again. I don't like it. So, I'm debating on what to do about it. Should I cut again? Or keep holding? I really don't see the point in holding, to tell the truth.
But the thing is, I have a friend that is having surgery this week and I am the caregiver afterwards. Hence, why I was holding in the first place. I didn't want to be going through bad withdrawals before, during or after the surgery. Well of course Benzo isn't going to let me have what I want. The surgery is in 2 days. To cut or not to cut? I think I'm going to try to cut. Tomorrow. Then hopefully the symptoms wont hit me too hard until later.
BUT WHO KNOWS? You can't live with this shit. You can't make plans, you can't control it, you can't even depend on it to do what it's suppose to do! Why did it have to fuck up my day now? Why did it decide to knock me back on my ass now? Why did I even start getting off of it? Why did I even get on it? WHY is it still on the market!? And why is it so freaking hard to get off of it when I am on such a small dose? ugh. It's exhausting.
Just have to keep going. Keep going.
On a good note, people can tell a difference in me. That makes me smile. Because I can tell a difference in me. Now, I've had people tell me that they see a slight difference in just 27 days. It's noticeable to others and that makes me happy. I AM getting my life back, I'm just having a shitty go of it.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Day 21: Memories..? I did what? To whom? When?
My 21st day of tapering off 1mg of Klonopin
Yeah, I skipped a few days again. It's getting a bit difficult to remember and focus and stare at a screen for a long amount of time. But I am doing well. SO WELL, in fact, that yesterday I cut my dose again. I am now down to 50% of my original dose. So, half a pill.
I have been told that I am going too fast. I have been told that I'm cutting too much of a dose at a time. I've been told I'm doing it wrong. I've been told that I'm eating the wrong diet. Well, shut your holes folks, because I'm getting this shit DONE. I'm listening to my body, and I'm rolling with the punches.
Moving on...
I had been on .75mg of my 1mg for about 5 days (I think) and I started feeling normal again. For the most part, as normal as I can be. Yeah, I still had some nausea and headaches, but all in all I was ok. So I decided to cut my dose again. I want to get this over with and if I can handle it, I'm going to do it.
So I cut my dose .25mg again, and I'm on .5 or 50% of my original dose. Now I knew when I cut it that the withdrawal symptoms where going to come over me again like a wildfire and I was going to have a rough week. Bring it.
Of course, here they came. Yesterday, I was dizzy, nauseated, blurry vision, migraine and all that fun stuff all over again with a vengeance. I also had inflamed joints like you wouldn't believe, burning skin, rash, and sore muscles all over. And of course I didn't sleep last night. But I can handle it.
But the most common withdrawal symptom that I have actually found to be quite interesting is the emotional and memory problems. First off, I have emotions now! Sometimes too many. I FEEL everything! I am super sensitive some days and get my feelings hurt really easily, others days I am normal. But I have feelings!! I didn't realize that I have been numb for the past 3 years.
I also have memory problems and I am having flashbacks. Flashbacks + Emotions = Feeling everything all over again.
I am suddenly remember events that happened over the past 3 years that I had either forgotten, or never remembered in the first place. Most of these flashbacks are from my relationships. I have had 2 major (ish) relationships in the past 3 years. One of them ended after I got ON the Klonopin, and the other ended just a few months ago. I am remembering the break ups, the fights, the good times, the bad times....all of it (I think) from both relationships. Which means, I am reliving the pain of the break ups. But the interesting thing is, with both break ups, I had no emotion. I wasn't upset about either of them at the time, but now I'm sad about it! It's a strange sensation. I can remember being hurt and angry, but not sad. I just didn't care about it all. And then I tried to think about other events since I got on the drug, and I cannot remember being sad about anything. I just remember always getting angry or hurt and lashing out. So it makes me wonder if all those times I got upset were legitimate. All girls hear from guys that we are over-reacting, but maybe they were correct! (just this once) Now, some things went on where I KNOW I was not over-reacting, and I know that I had the correct emotions, but others I'm not so sure. I mean, I was suppose to get married in 3 days. Yup. I was engaged and my wedding date is in 3 days. I can't remember crying when that relationship ended. I just remember being exhausted and angry. But I should have been devastated, wouldn't you think?? Just goes to show how messed up my brain was/is. Granted, he had his issues too, but still. I'm not saying I regret the break ups, I am just remembering them with a new, cleaner mind.
I don't want to ramble on about old relationships and all, but its odd to FEEL again. Last night I cried for at least 10 minutes because my cat left the room. Seriously. That just got me thinking about how emotional we can be during the withdrawal of Klonopin. And how the drug took our emotions away and we never even knew it.
And as for the memories... Once upon a time, I worked A LOT. Like, 16 hours a day, at a nursing home. I had one patient in particular that had severe dementia. There were days when she didn't know where she was, how old she was, who I was, who her kids were... she was confused and had a lot of memory loss. That's dementia. That always fascinated me. I wanted to know what it was like to live a day in her shoes. Well, with this withdrawal syndrome, I have pretty much done it. That is a silver lining for me. When I first cut my dose of Klonopin, I had terrible confusion and memory loss. It's just part of it. I remember when I took my first shower after cutting my dose. When I got out of the shower and saw myself in the mirror, I was confused. I didn't recognize myself. I saw all these piercings and tattoos, my hair was curly, I had bangs, I was thinner... I didn't know what I was seeing. I just stared at myself and my body like I was having an acid trip. Really. That's what it's like. And it reminded me of the time my patient saw her face and didn't recognize herself, she stared at her hands with confusion because she thought she was a 17 year old girl and her hands were wrinkled.
It's like waking up from a coma. It's like I have been sleeping for 3 years and someone else has been living my life for me. I am waking up. I am remembering how I have acted, things I have done, and I finally feel the pain from it. I finally feel the embarrassment and the shame.
There was no happiness in my life over the past 3 years on this drug. It was just an illusion. It was a prank, a trick, played on me by my psychiatrist. I'm not laughing. No one is laughing. These drugs are horrible. They stole my life and many others. Yes, it was my choice to take them, but I was never told this would happen. None of us were. Please, do research and get off these drugs. Get your life back. I can do it, so can you.
I have attached a link for Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome. Please read it so you can understand what myself and others are going through. Also so you can learn all the names of the Benzo drugs so you can help others that may be on them.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Day 18: What day is this?
Day.....18?
Update on my Klonopin taper/withdrawals/living hell/TEST OF STRENGTH.
I've been a bit out of it the past few days, but I'm still here. I have been getting my days and nights mixed up and forgetting what day it is quite a bit. Just realized it's been 4 days since my last post. Oops.
Anyhoo....
I am still hanging on at .75mg of my original 1mg Klonopin dose. After trying different methods and listening to my body, this is where I am and this is where I shall stay for a while. I keep getting comments about how I cut my dose too fast, and yeah, they are probably right. When I first cut down to .75, I started by taking .5 in the morning and .25 at night. Well, that didn't work, so I ended up taking it all at once and I'm rolling with it.
Don't get me wrong, this shit ain't easy. The first few days were HELL. A living hell. I was sick to my stomach, didn't eat, migraines, insomnia, mood swings, bloating or "yeast die off" in my guts (yeah, it's a thing and it sucks), and the usual dizziness and blurred vision. Fun! But I've kept with it and I'm starting to get use to it.
I still am having some insomnia, nausea and headaches. I have good days and bad days. That's the thing with this crap, you never know what is going to happen or how you are going to feel day to day. It certainly keeps you on your toes.
Overall, I'm feeling pretty good. I think my body is healing a little bit. I am having new emotions and epiphanies about my life and the way I live it. About my job, my child, my love life (or lack there of), just an overall life and personality *POOF* of being mind blown. I'm rethinking a lot of the things I do, or have done. I'm rethinking my friends and family. I'm rethinking what is best for ME and MY CHILD. The shitty part of this is that I don't know if this is me finally coming to my senses because this drug is getting out of my system, or if it's just the brain damage. To me, they seem like great ideas! But I've learned not to make quick moves on these things. We shall see how this all plays out.
I'm also having nightmares every single time I FINALLY sleep, which is maybe 3 hours a night. And it's kinda crazy that every time I dream or have a nightmare it's always about the same 2 things. Moving to a new house, and my mother. Hmmm.... that's something to talk to a psychiatrist about, but wuda ya know, I fired that dumb bitch 3 weeks ago. I'm having to rely on myself. I have to fix myself. The strength it takes to go through all this is unbelievable and no one can do it but me. And I have a long way to go!
Some people in my recovery group have said that they think they are better ON these drugs than they are off. Simply because life is easier and they don't have to deal with being scared or having panic attacks all the time. They don't feel sick, they don't feel tired, and they can just keep on going as if they don't know anything about the dangers. UUUGGGHHHH. No. You are just giving up. It's kind of like a friend of mine that came up to me the other day and said she knows what I'm going through because she was once on Klonopin. But now she is on Ativan and she is much better. IT'S THE SAME THING YA'LL! I realize that I have become a big anti-drug person like overnight and I'm trying not to shove it in peoples faces like religious folk do, but MAN. It's hard not to. I can already tell a difference in my body in just a week of tapering off this shitty ass drug. It's worth the work. It's hard, but it is worth it. The bad days are bad, but the good days are good. And now I can remember the good days! I have lost so many memories because of this drug, I wont let it steal any more.
Keep going everyone, if I can do it, you can do it.
Update on my Klonopin taper/withdrawals/living hell/TEST OF STRENGTH.
I've been a bit out of it the past few days, but I'm still here. I have been getting my days and nights mixed up and forgetting what day it is quite a bit. Just realized it's been 4 days since my last post. Oops.
Anyhoo....
I am still hanging on at .75mg of my original 1mg Klonopin dose. After trying different methods and listening to my body, this is where I am and this is where I shall stay for a while. I keep getting comments about how I cut my dose too fast, and yeah, they are probably right. When I first cut down to .75, I started by taking .5 in the morning and .25 at night. Well, that didn't work, so I ended up taking it all at once and I'm rolling with it.
Don't get me wrong, this shit ain't easy. The first few days were HELL. A living hell. I was sick to my stomach, didn't eat, migraines, insomnia, mood swings, bloating or "yeast die off" in my guts (yeah, it's a thing and it sucks), and the usual dizziness and blurred vision. Fun! But I've kept with it and I'm starting to get use to it.
I still am having some insomnia, nausea and headaches. I have good days and bad days. That's the thing with this crap, you never know what is going to happen or how you are going to feel day to day. It certainly keeps you on your toes.
Overall, I'm feeling pretty good. I think my body is healing a little bit. I am having new emotions and epiphanies about my life and the way I live it. About my job, my child, my love life (or lack there of), just an overall life and personality *POOF* of being mind blown. I'm rethinking a lot of the things I do, or have done. I'm rethinking my friends and family. I'm rethinking what is best for ME and MY CHILD. The shitty part of this is that I don't know if this is me finally coming to my senses because this drug is getting out of my system, or if it's just the brain damage. To me, they seem like great ideas! But I've learned not to make quick moves on these things. We shall see how this all plays out.
I'm also having nightmares every single time I FINALLY sleep, which is maybe 3 hours a night. And it's kinda crazy that every time I dream or have a nightmare it's always about the same 2 things. Moving to a new house, and my mother. Hmmm.... that's something to talk to a psychiatrist about, but wuda ya know, I fired that dumb bitch 3 weeks ago. I'm having to rely on myself. I have to fix myself. The strength it takes to go through all this is unbelievable and no one can do it but me. And I have a long way to go!
Some people in my recovery group have said that they think they are better ON these drugs than they are off. Simply because life is easier and they don't have to deal with being scared or having panic attacks all the time. They don't feel sick, they don't feel tired, and they can just keep on going as if they don't know anything about the dangers. UUUGGGHHHH. No. You are just giving up. It's kind of like a friend of mine that came up to me the other day and said she knows what I'm going through because she was once on Klonopin. But now she is on Ativan and she is much better. IT'S THE SAME THING YA'LL! I realize that I have become a big anti-drug person like overnight and I'm trying not to shove it in peoples faces like religious folk do, but MAN. It's hard not to. I can already tell a difference in my body in just a week of tapering off this shitty ass drug. It's worth the work. It's hard, but it is worth it. The bad days are bad, but the good days are good. And now I can remember the good days! I have lost so many memories because of this drug, I wont let it steal any more.
Keep going everyone, if I can do it, you can do it.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Day 14: SUPPORT.
Day 14. Yeah, I skipped day 13.
So I'm back to square one. Had to take a full dose today. Screw it. I can't do this anymore. I have gone 4 nights without sleep and today had just too much damn drama and stress. Those things, combined with my taper/withdrawal symptoms from Klonopin. just put me over the top. I lost it. I couldn't take it anymore. The irrational fear of death came rushing over me again with that same adrenaline and pain in my chest that I remember oh so well. It doesn't matter how many times it has happened over the years, or how well I know what is really happening to my body, it still scares the hell out of me. I'm over it. Which reminds me, FUCK THE DOCTORS ORDERS. Telling me to cut my pill in half... are you serious? Idiot. Don't do it folks. BAD. Very BAD.
But lets get to my point for today.... SUPPORT. I tell ya, I have never in my life needed the support of my family and friends more than I do right now. I want to quit. I want to give up. The withdrawal is too much, the pain is too much, the physical and mental sickness is too much. But who do I have to keep me going?? Not my family, but strangers in a recovery group on Facebook. And thank the gods for them. Tonight, when I lost it and started to panic, not knowing what was happening to me, I posted in my group and they were right there talking me through it within seconds. They understand.
Talking with the group over these past 2 weeks, I've come to discover that we are all in the same boat. Not just with the god awful life of Benzo dependency and withdrawals, but because our families are all the same. They're gone! They don't get it. They don't get us. And they don't want to.
I can only assume to know why, I mean, if I ask I will be ignored. Anytime I bring up the subject of what's happening, I'm literally ignored or they just sigh and change the subject. Personally, I think they are just tired of it. We are tired of it, so why can't they be tired as well? They haven't been feeling what we have been feeling over the years, but they certainly have had to hear about it. They're over it. They don't get it, they don't care, they have their own shit to deal with. I get it.
But now that I'm actually getting off of this shit, it's like the boy that cried wolf. I thought I was going to die every day with panic disorder, but now I'm sicker than I EVER was. My brain is sick. Literally. When the shit wears off and I'm in withdrawal mode, I am dumb. I cannot follow simple instructions. I cannot drive long distances (as in, more than 20 minutes). I cannot focus on anything. I get distracted and confused very easily. I cannot understand people when they speak to me. I can't remember what I say or do right after doing it most of the time. Now would be a good time to give a shit about your friend or family member going through detox and Benzo withdrawal. We aren't asking people to come hold our hand the whole time, or cook our meals and wait on us hand and foot. How about just a phone call? An email? A text? Just a simple, "how's the taper going?" So what if you have to listen to us cry or talk for a few minutes, or even an hour. Do you REALLY not have that much time to spare? We are ALONE in this. And there is nothing worse than being sick and terrified and alone. And then add in the fact that most of us are jobless, homeless, broke, going broke, on our last thread and barely hanging on... It's amazing what a little kind word can do to lift the spirits of a person going through a tough time. Who gives a shit if you don't understand it? I don't understand a lot of things people go through, but I still am right there to listen and offer a comforting word. Like those people that keep breaking up and getting back together, wtf is that about? But I still listen!? I still ask how they are doing! That's what you gotta do!!
It's called caring. I am actually amazed and touched by the very few people that have come out of the woodwork to support me and offer a kind word. But unfortunately it is not my family or closest friends. But it's good to know that I'm not the only one. It's just another side effect of Benzo drugs, you lose everything. Including your family and friends.
But we will go on, without you. And one day, when we finally get our lives back, we will remember. (Hopefully. That is, if the brain damage isn't too bad) HA!
G'night ya'll
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Day 12: Do what the Doctor orders
Day 12
Sunday. Always a lazy day.
Since I have hit the insomnia stage (yippy FN skippy) I 'slept' late, really I just laid in bed til after 10am. And as some of you may know, I take my daily taper dose of the poison that is Klonopin every day around the same time, but I try to wait a hour later every day.
This morning I was home alone, it's kinda cloudy and gloomy outside, it's just a laid back day. I had my coffee and just stayed in bed watching TV for a while. My medicine time was 11:30am. Well, lucky me, that time came and went. Whhhaaaaat?? But I was doing so bad last night!? Yeah, last night was rough as far as withdrawal symptoms, so I figured that this morning would be horrific. But no. Go figure. Maybe my body finally got use to the 95%.
Anyhoo... I decided to do a little experiment. When I told my doctor that I wanted to stop taking this drug (months ago) she told me to go down to half a pill. Just straight to 50%. You have GOT to be kidding me. But around 1pm today, I started to get a little anxiety, but not too bad. I was getting a little tired and dizzy and all that fun stuff. So I thought, I will try her 50% plan. So I took half a pill. I didn't dissolve it in water, I didn't do the taper, I just cut my pill in half. An hour later, I was feeling pretty good. Considering... It's amazing how even though I have a headache, I'm dizzy, nauseated and exhausted, that's still feeling good these days. But my eyes were puffing up again. That is always my first withdrawal symptom. My eyes get SO puffed up it's just gross.
But I decided to roll with it. Like I've said, I don't WANT to take this medicine, I have to. But if I can get away without taking as much, bet your ass I'm going to try!!
By 6pm I was still doing pretty good. I was having withdrawal symptoms, but since it's a lazy day, I handled it. My chest pain was worse than normal, felt like my heart was pounding out of my chest. I got confused easily, forgot simple things right after doing them, my mind drifted off in to lala land many times and I had to be brought back to reality. My joints swelled up like an old lady and HURT like a bitch. My leg went numb a few times, I tripped a few times, my face got hot and red and itchy... Ehh.... no biggie. All normal things. Just the brain damage kicking in, I can handle that.
By 8:30pm I was losing the battle. Full panic was coming on. I was sweating, had a hard time looking at lights, the noises from the TV was getting to me, my leg started spontaneously moving around, I just couldn't sit still and started to get scared. Then my EARS. Oh my god the ears! I had so much pressure in my ears I seriously thought they were going to burst and bleed. I have never felt that shit before. It's like they need to pop, but not really. Oooh it was bad. That freaked me out, I asked my support group, and can you guess what the answer was? NORMAL! Figures. I should have known. It was bad. But I just kept thinking, 'It's already 8:30! Why can't I just forget it and go to bed?!!' Oh yeah, I'm in the insomnia stage. But it's better than the extremely exhausted stage, I guess. So yada yada yada, I decided to take half of the other half of my pill. Which means I made it through the day at 75%. Woo hoo! That last 25% took the edge off just enough for me to be still. But not enough to sleep. Bummer.
Tomorrow I will try to do the 75% again. 50% in the morning, 25% at night. We shall see. But the less you take, the sooner it wears off. I know I need to pick a percentage and stay there, but I want to get off this shit so bad!!! I'm normally a patient person, but not with this.
But I made it through another day. I have good days and bad, I always try to find a silver lining. Day by day. I'm almost to 2 weeks folks. That's good. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
Sunday. Always a lazy day.
Since I have hit the insomnia stage (yippy FN skippy) I 'slept' late, really I just laid in bed til after 10am. And as some of you may know, I take my daily taper dose of the poison that is Klonopin every day around the same time, but I try to wait a hour later every day.
This morning I was home alone, it's kinda cloudy and gloomy outside, it's just a laid back day. I had my coffee and just stayed in bed watching TV for a while. My medicine time was 11:30am. Well, lucky me, that time came and went. Whhhaaaaat?? But I was doing so bad last night!? Yeah, last night was rough as far as withdrawal symptoms, so I figured that this morning would be horrific. But no. Go figure. Maybe my body finally got use to the 95%.
Anyhoo... I decided to do a little experiment. When I told my doctor that I wanted to stop taking this drug (months ago) she told me to go down to half a pill. Just straight to 50%. You have GOT to be kidding me. But around 1pm today, I started to get a little anxiety, but not too bad. I was getting a little tired and dizzy and all that fun stuff. So I thought, I will try her 50% plan. So I took half a pill. I didn't dissolve it in water, I didn't do the taper, I just cut my pill in half. An hour later, I was feeling pretty good. Considering... It's amazing how even though I have a headache, I'm dizzy, nauseated and exhausted, that's still feeling good these days. But my eyes were puffing up again. That is always my first withdrawal symptom. My eyes get SO puffed up it's just gross.
But I decided to roll with it. Like I've said, I don't WANT to take this medicine, I have to. But if I can get away without taking as much, bet your ass I'm going to try!!
By 6pm I was still doing pretty good. I was having withdrawal symptoms, but since it's a lazy day, I handled it. My chest pain was worse than normal, felt like my heart was pounding out of my chest. I got confused easily, forgot simple things right after doing them, my mind drifted off in to lala land many times and I had to be brought back to reality. My joints swelled up like an old lady and HURT like a bitch. My leg went numb a few times, I tripped a few times, my face got hot and red and itchy... Ehh.... no biggie. All normal things. Just the brain damage kicking in, I can handle that.
By 8:30pm I was losing the battle. Full panic was coming on. I was sweating, had a hard time looking at lights, the noises from the TV was getting to me, my leg started spontaneously moving around, I just couldn't sit still and started to get scared. Then my EARS. Oh my god the ears! I had so much pressure in my ears I seriously thought they were going to burst and bleed. I have never felt that shit before. It's like they need to pop, but not really. Oooh it was bad. That freaked me out, I asked my support group, and can you guess what the answer was? NORMAL! Figures. I should have known. It was bad. But I just kept thinking, 'It's already 8:30! Why can't I just forget it and go to bed?!!' Oh yeah, I'm in the insomnia stage. But it's better than the extremely exhausted stage, I guess. So yada yada yada, I decided to take half of the other half of my pill. Which means I made it through the day at 75%. Woo hoo! That last 25% took the edge off just enough for me to be still. But not enough to sleep. Bummer.
Tomorrow I will try to do the 75% again. 50% in the morning, 25% at night. We shall see. But the less you take, the sooner it wears off. I know I need to pick a percentage and stay there, but I want to get off this shit so bad!!! I'm normally a patient person, but not with this.
But I made it through another day. I have good days and bad, I always try to find a silver lining. Day by day. I'm almost to 2 weeks folks. That's good. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
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